@man2girlz

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Hey everyone, this is my first real post on this forum although I've been browsing for a while now. Its kind of odd to start off with this but here goes...

For quite some time now I've been coming around to a realization (or I think what is a realization) of the fact that I just dont know how to .. talk to people. Its not that I can't carry a conversation when it has to do with a specific subject, but rather that when I'm in a social situation I just can't converse.

Its been bugging me a long time now, because I'm not quite sure what Im doing wrong. There's definitely aspects of my personality I'd like to change, but whenever I try to focus on being considerate of others' opinions, and trying to listen and talk TO people instead of AT them (as I've heard it called) I just can't seem to find a comfortable 'neutral' ground. Whenever I say something I either feel like I'm being too nice/overbearing? and I see what appear to be like the 'social signals' from the people I'm speaking with, that they dont like the way that I'm talking to them.. plus I feel like I'm coming off as a pussy, which leads to the other opposite. Which is when i just ignore what I'm trying to maintain in my conversation, and come off like an asshole...

I realize that this is what I'm seeing through my eyes/interpretations, but I definitely have had trouble for some time with meeting friends, girls or even getting along in a working day without feeling like someone's pissed at me for saying something, or thinks that I said something stupid... goddamn that sounds paranoid, but i guess theres no way around that.

What i was wondering is, does anyone know a way or some kind of "method" that i could use to bring myself back to a happy medium? and before you say just "do what you feel is right" , I would like to mention that when I think back to being a kid and acting just how I felt like it, it still (now that i think about it) was assholish behavior.. which is probably why I never learned to properly interact with others.

But back to the original question, does anyone have any advice? Cause im trying to grow up, but just can't find a way how...

in a nutshell- me now:




what i want to be:

thanks for listening

kulotsalot

Hmm.

There is a way of talking where you sound like an asshole, but you're a funny asshole and chicks LOVE that. If you can master that, you are golden.

I'm pretty sarcastic so I like 'verbal sparring' with people who can dish it back at me no holds barred BUT if I'm thinking of someone as an actual friend and not just a high-level acquaintance, I'd like to know that that person would be sensitive enough to know when to turn off the sarcastic asshole mode for those "my dog died" moments.

Something that really jumps out at me is that you "try to focus on being considerate of others' opinions." Considerate? Sounds a bit condescending, doesn't it? Why do you feel the need to be considerate of other's opinions? If you don't agree that's OK, because the conversation gets boring when you always agree with each other, but if you disagree, you don't have to get emotional and defensive about it.

siopawman

you're like someone from Naruto manga, i remember Sai, he's a character there who can't communicate well with other people because he is too vocal about what he thinks about other people. Sai even read books on how to properly socialize because he wants to have a good rapport with his team mates. Sakura, the girl in his team, got angry with him because he called her ugly, so he was slapped and beaten. So, he had this idea that he needs to call other persons their exact opposites. Ino is another female ninja not part of his team, he called her beautiful, which made Sakura angry again the beat him up. (ofcourse, beating him up is a comical way of protesting).

unlike you, Sai is not a sociable person. the reason why he is having a hard time communicating with others is because he was trained for a long time to suppress his emotions to carry high level tasks.

agreeing and disagreeing happens in an argument. just don't be personal about your comments, try not to point about their personal life when you are just trying to refute their opinions. needless to say, harsh words do not often come up unless you have something personal against your mate. which i guess you don't have any...

listening is good, especially if you know you don't have something important to contribute to the discussion, point something that you know, but don't boast. ask what they think about things, then give what you know (not what they want to hear). you cannot please everyone... but you always have the option to say whats on your mind and you should always give a buffer to how others might react or feel. it really is part of growing up, and there's no ideal way, only accepted ones...

@man2girlz

thanks for the replies, they have given me some things to think of

i still dont understand how is it that some people can joke and talk shit to each other, and it be funny and not offensive, but when I try that it comes off as me being a dick...

i really just dont get it... makes me confused

kulotsalot

You have to have a history with that group of people, enough to know where their limits are (e.g. it's ok to say your momma jokes, but not fat jokes because she is trying to lose weight). You generally start with a few light burns, and if they're getting a chilly reception then you know you need to try a different approach.

There are different ways to talk to people, depending on the group. You can joke around with buddies, not as much with colleagues or superiors at work. It's all about knowing how to adapt.

@man2girlz

thanks again for the responses, what really helped me was your comment about sounding condescending, kulotsalot. i kinda realized that the feeling of awkwardness in conversation was stemming from a (subconscious?) knowledge that I was speaking/acting condescendingly towards others and I havebeen trying to focus on getting that figured out.

thanks again!

fmb

I think you have 95% of this issues beaten. You have recognized something you'd like to change. And you're trying to work on it! Hell, that's the majority of the problem taken off the table there!!

I think what you're doing will work, it'll take some time. And practice. Lots of practice! Go meet some new folks; talk with them; evaluate how it went; and go practice some more!

Suggestion: what about signing up for a public speaking course, or joining a Toastmasters group? You'll learn about speaking, body language (yours and the audience!), and maybe learn some tips on how to start conversations.

Anyway, get out there and continue what you're doing!

jasefm

FMB is on to something. Body language can be 90% of human comminication. It's kind of like stressing one word in a sentance can change the meaning of the sentance. Talking with a new group is differant that talking to people you know. With a new group you need to establish a base line. They need to get to know little by little. The people that know me well already know I'm an asshole, but that I don't take myself seriously.

jasefm

The people that know me well already know I'm an ASSHOLE, but that I don't take myself seriously.

jasefm

The people that know MEEEE well already know I'm an asshole, but that I don't take myself seriously.

@man2girlz

Hey its been a while but I thought I would just drop in and say thanks to everyone who gave me advice, and that an interesting side-effect of trying to speak with people on the level for me, has been to notice (and i mean actually NOTICE consciously, which i never have before) others' feelings and emotions(?) while Im talking with them. Im going to keep trying, and maybe go out for one of those classes if I can overcome my hermit-ness lol.

fmb

Glad to see you've noticed something and have found the newly learned item potentially useful. Keep on trying; trying is a real indicator of your desire!

tsmo

This is an interesting subject to me. I’ve always been one to speak my mind in 90% of the situations, but can reel it back in as Kulots referenced those “my dog just died” moments.. but I actually find it amusing and somewhat of a challenge to talk to my superiors and those in upper management if you will.. to see if I can break them from that “managerial” mode. Stiffness, to the book etc.. If I can bring them down to my level.. ( that sounds bad ) but If I can get them to open up then I consider it a win. Its actually amazing at the level of comfort you can bring people to when you have good conversation. I’m probably more verbal than A LOT of people would like,. and I say things to people that everyone else is thinking.. yeah. I’m that guy. I am an asshole – but a funny one ( I think anyway )

So try not to dwell too much on how you are talking to people, just do it,. be you,. be real.. that’s all you can do.

___________________________________________
I'm a terminal non-achiever

pooping90002003

Whats crazy is that im the exact same way.