cm8

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I have been faithful to my unfaithful husband and I was wondering if it is ever ok to do the same back to him. NOT just because he hurt and betrayed me but because I'm not getting what I need from him and he doesn't seem to care about my needs any way only his own. I have thought about stepping out on him and lord knows I could have a long time back when he did was he did, but now he's saying that he would never forgive me if I did to him what he did to me. I can't believed he even said that after all he has put me through. On top of that he always seem pissed at me and have not done anything to him. My best friends say that I should just leave him, but my heart loves him so much. I know that forgiveness is an act of compassion, but how do you over come the betrayal part? I've always believed that you needed to forgive in order to move forward. I know it is easier to forgive anyone that has wronged you, but it is most hardest to forgive and forget what the person you love with all of your heart has done. I find it to be the most heartache and pain that can hurt you physically as well as mentally. So why does the one who was cheated on become the one who has the problems?

kulotsalot

No good reasons. Divorce and then fuck as many people as you want to, is kind of my take on things.

Nifty

That's rough. The simple fact that he has done this (Im guessing several times) and yet can't even imagine that you would ever dare do the same shows that he thinks little of you and that he thinks you belong on a leash. As much as you love him, you might just be feeling a comfortable situation, and not really love. And, the idea of leaving him scares you, maybe. Life is way too short to live your life the way you are describing it. He obviously isn't making you happy, so maybe it's time just time to move on.

umpire00

I would say to be the better person, leave him and then do what you please.

rustyb

Do you have children? If so, don't listen to these other selfish responses. You need to consider the kids first.

Also, it sounds like you may be more afraid of living without this person than you truly are in love with him.

Nifty

Because its fair to the children to watch their parents possibly fight a lot, and maybe if their lucky they'll get to see daddy plugging the next door neighbor. There's too many variables here. We merely made suggestions, as you have. Don't take pot shots at us because you don't agree with our point of view.

rustyb

Very true. Until we have all the details its impossible to make a good suggestion. I agree that it sounds like she is more afraid to be without him than she is truly in love with him.

siopawman

don't ask for reasons if you're really consider doing it.
"we" can't "justify" what you want to do. but to answer your question, i don't really know, but i think there is none. cheating is not a good act, so its hard to make justifications for it. and besides, you're always at the losing end, coz if you do what he does, then others might see you as a "slut" (sorry for the term), use and abuse you.

if he cheated, and you hate him so much, leave him. if you can't leave him, then let him know how damaging his actions has caused your relationship. some things happen, its part of life. but its up to you how you would choose to live it. be it so full of anger or be content, happy and forgiving.

skanky

Never any reason.

Juan.©amaney

The replies so far have been kind of hit and miss.

The truth is there really is no answer. Its case by case. Depending on how you see marriage, as either a contractual obligation or a spiritual (religious or otherwise) pact.

Legally, no, there is no reason for it. Once it happens, its a breach of contract, and the affected party has the right to leave.

I have a feeling you aren't asking that kind of question, so here goes.

I've never been married, but have been the other man more often than I would like to admit. The reason people cheat vary. People often lose interest, as your man has, sometimes when people got married they didn't know what they were getting in to and other times, the cheaters are just cheaters by nature.

I read a few months ago an article on some woman who received a blow to the head causing her to be a nymphomaniac, needing sex 10 times a day or something like that. The husband couldn't control her cheating, but understood it was a mental condition. Thus they work through it.

On your side, it just happened to be that your husband was an asshole. This isn't to say that he isn't a good father, provider, mate. He just did what he did, unless it was an ongoing affair or he had a second wife.

Payback wont change anything. In fact, it would probably make things worse. Nothing he does or say can ever take back what he did and no matter how hard you try to put it behind you, those feelings will always come back and the slightest thing can trigger it/them.

What you have to do now is ask yourself if its worth living with a 600 lbs gorilla in the room that wont go home.

Sad to say, love isn't always everything. You can love a person to death, but not trusting them will drive you nucking futs and I have a very good idea that is what's bugging you, coupled with the whole vengeance thing.

You wont find an answer here. You will find that in your heart/head. The problem is, not to let either take more control. Simply speaking, don't do what your heart tells you if your head is warning you that its headed for more disaster.

Also, if there are children involved you both have to be adult enough to not let them know what happened.

Finally, you have to live with the fact that the old saying, once a cheater always a cheater is true. Specially if after all these years you have gained weight, let your physique drop down a few notches and you are constantly bitching about this whole ordeal.

I could tell you what I would do in your situation, but there is no need to confuse you further.

___________________________________________

ltfan

Assuming you don't have any kids, you should try leaving him and then if he begs you to come back, spell out exactly what needs to happen before you come home. It could be that he is taking you for granted to the extreme, and the shock of your leaving could set him straight. Sometimes people don't realize what they have until they lose it, and then they'll move heaven and earth to get it back.

There's no guarantee that will work, and it all depends on what kind of man your husband is. Even though his behavior as you described is deplorable if he is a good man at heart he might wake up and see the light. However if he is an asshole to the core, then leaving won't make any difference, and you need to just cut your losses. If his selfish behavior has been a constant throughout your marriage, then you married a bad man. If it hasn't been then there might be some hope for this working.

Another thing that might help is did any of your friends, parents, or relatives try to warn you that he was a bad choice for a husband? If so you might want to consider their advice now, and remember that they see him without the hinderance of the rose colored glasses that you saw him with in the beginning.

In the end though, it's your decision and it's better to just divorce him and move on, than try to get even and then patch the marriage back together. Even though his hypocrisy is shining brightly, chances are he does mean it when he says he won't forgive you.

fmb

Never any good reasons to cheat. If this relationship isn't satisfying you, leave before doing anything with anyone. Period. (Just my thoughts!) Good luck.

CWB

good points have been raised , i agree with some of them .


discounting extenuating circumstances (eg : blow to the head = nymphomaniac with a contractual amendment/rider) ...

two wrongs do not make a right .
morally speaking , it is not about what others think , do and say , it is about what i think , do and say .
from what you have written (i will not go into the co-dependency issues) the fact is that your husband has indeed broken the "rules" ... period . forget all the twisted "rationalizations and justifications" .

cheating on him would be a case of "i'll show you , i'll hurt me" and removing yet another piece if your dignity and honor . if you are looking for a "way out" this would be a rather sad and ignoble example of turning away from the truths .
the old adage "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" is not such a great idea at times ... especially if it involves an oven .

fmb

fmb has gotta go with CWB on this one. That's the best way I've heard this subject explained.