clipse

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....And you don't know if you love her back?

My GF said this to me the night before she went back to Spain (I will be seeing her there in about 2 weeks as I live there most of the time)

She did say it a couple of minutes after we'd finished 'doing it' and this is the only time she has said it.

I didn't say anything in reply, but if she says it again, what do you reckon is the best thing to do?

A) Lie and tell her I love her too?
B) Say nothing/ change the subject?
C) Tell her I dont or don't yet?

I may love her one day, but I don't yet (We have known eachother for about 3 months now).

What should I do?

Thanks

jShizz

You just answered your own question. The LAST thing you want to do is tell a girl you love her when you don't, it will create problems down the road. It will mean she is putting more physically and emotionally into the relationship than you (and under false pretenses), which isn't what love is about.

It is a good thing you didn't say anything back because it puts you in control of the conversation that now must be had, but you need to bring it up before it happens again. Just have a talk with her and let her know that you recognized what she said, but that aren't ready to take that next step (because it is a "step"). Hopefully, she will understand and respect that you are trying to be honest. And if she flips out, I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship with her altogether.

kulotsalot

I'm stumped. I can't see a good way of getting out of this one. Whatever you do, she is likely going to be upset. How "real" is her L-bomb, do you think? Was it a fit-of-passion sort of thing or did it feel more like the real deal?

If it feels real enough I would say be honest and tell her how you feel (or in this case, how you don't feel) because it is only fair for her to know that you are basically wanting to date people casually, whereas she seems to be more LTR-inclined. At that point she can re-evaluate and make the decision about whether she wants a relationship on your terms, or look for something more compatible with her expectations.

Juan.©amaney

well, here goes...and this is gonna sound fucked up.

1. Pretend you didnt hear it.
2. If she doesn't get the "hint" and keeps saying it, kiss her immediately after she does it; kind of telling her without so many words you feel strongly for her.
3. If she STILL doesn't get it and keeps pressing the issue, tell her something iffy like, "I love parts about our relationship and would like to keep seeing you exclusively and see where it takes us..."
4. If she is angered by this, no problem, you don't need the drama, run!

Only do this if you seriously want to keep seeing the girl. If you just want to keep fucking her, tell her you want to slow down because you don't know where this is going and don't want to hurt her. That shit will just make her try harder.

How old are ya, guy?

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CD

My gf back in the day surprised me one night with those exact words. When I didn't respond, she asked me what I thought and I told her that I cared for her deeply, but at that exact moment, I didn't love her, and didn't want to say it if I didn't mean it.

Two to three weeks later, I told her and she was glad to hear it, because she knew I meant it.

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jeffc574

Tell her the truth. If you don't love her, tell her that. You may end up having a discussion, but it is better than the screaming that goes with 'you said you love me, but you don't...'

skycatcher

Agreed. Option C is the best answer.

Sure, she'll have her feelings hurt when you say that you don't love her yet, but if you can explain to her that she means a lot and that you can see yourself loving her in the future then it will probably go out smoothe.

Just explain to her that people throw the phrase "I love you" around way too much these days and, while you're glad to hear it from her, you just can't bring yourself to say it until you really mean it. If she's really in love with you then she'll understand and be even more happy when you do actually say it and mean it down the road.

yoursdeepus

Honesty demands that u bite the bullet.

Lazer

I've done this.
Girl: I think I love you!"
Me: "Shut up! hahaha" and punch her in the arm.
Seriously, she started laughing and said she knew I would do something like that.

fmb

Listen to what most of the folks have offered; have a talk with her and let her know how you feel. There might be some hurt for her, but I think she'll move beyond that and realize you're being truthful with her.

If it goes to hell in a handbasket, at least you'll know about what kind of relationship you may have had in the future.

yammy

I'd let it blow over for now. She said it. She knows she said it, but you didn't reciprocate.

So long as you don't have an answer, let your silence do the talking. If she presses the point, then you gotta express yourself, but until then... Your silence may make her rethink her own comment.

The reason I say to take this route is that putting pressure on a relationship too early can burn out something that is still evolving.

On the other hand, if you truly don't love her and don't see it going anywhere, you owe it to her as a real man and gentleman to express to her where you are. You should also look in the mirror and ask yourself why your in the relationship. If its just for the sex and she's in it for the love, the right thing is to grow up and treat her like a human being.

Always think through your relationships with women in the context of how you'd want some guy you don't really know to treat your sister(s) or some other loved family female relative. If it'd piss you off to see some guy do it to your sister, you know the answer.

Oh, and how long have you been dating? If its more than 6 months, you ought to have a pretty dang good idea by now.

clipse

Well I was with her for about 3 months when she told me... 3 weeks later I told her the same thing & that I meant it. (At first I told her I cared for her a lot, but didn't yet love her, she cried, but was OK with it).

A week after I told her, she found out her work permit could not be renewed by her employer, and she would have to go back to her home country (Brazil) and reapply for her visa (She is quite likely to get it for another 2 years at this stage, but we didn't know this until about 2 weeks ago)... At first she thought it was game over for her in Spain... She cried a lot, and had a kind of 'panic attack' one night where she was physically sick she was so worried about it all.

I then had to travel on business to Israel for 2 weeks, so could not see her. She got prescribed sleeping pills and got very stressed about it all. Since I've come back from Israel, I've returned to the UK (Where I live), and she came with me to stay... At this point it emerged that she is now more likely to get her documents, but she will not come back to Europe until September, and she was happier... She was even happier when I booked a flight for me to go to Brazil in June/July for 3 weeks.

She hasn't taken the tablets any more, and she has been sleeping well. She says it's mainly becuase I am there now too (ahh). She stayed with me in the UK for 13 days, and we celebrated my 25th birthday together (with my family too) on Friday.. It was such a strange occasion.. happy and sad at the same time.. She was supposed to stay with me until tomorrow, but I got called off on urgent business to Brussels (and left this morning), so she returned to Spain this morning to pack her things to leave for Brazil on Thursday.

Now, she wants to continue to live in Spain if she can, as the weather, culture, lifestyle are more suited to her, and she has a number of friends there (far more than she has in the UK- which basically consists of me, shitty weather, and a couple of her friends living up in London), which I understand, and I am going to try and get back to Spain to work from September so I can be there with her too, but does this kind of relationship sound like it is sustainable?

I am not going to see her for 3 months now, then we will have 3 weeks, then a 6 week gap, then if my work in Spain happens, a few more months... Does it sound like too much too-ing and fro-ing and complicated visas and distances?

If it all goes well in Spain, do you think I should expect her to move to the UK? as basically, I don't want to live there, she likes it, but doesn't like the weather much (She prefers Spain overall), ad I don't want to live in Spain, and neither of us want to live in Brazil!... I do love her, but sometimes wonder if at 25 I should be in something a bit less... I don't know... complicated.... I think the up-coming dry spell will tell me :/

clipse

Well I was with her for about 3 months when she told me... 3 weeks later I told her the same thing & that I meant it. (At first I told her I cared for her a lot, but didn't yet love her, she cried, but was OK with it).

A week after I told her, she found out her work permit could not be renewed by her employer, and she would have to go back to her home country (Brazil) and reapply for her visa (She is quite likely to get it for another 2 years at this stage, but we didn't know this until about 2 weeks ago)... At first she thought it was game over for her in Spain... She cried a lot, and had a kind of 'panic attack' one night where she was physically sick she was so worried about it all.

I then had to travel on business to Israel for 2 weeks, so could not see her. She got prescribed sleeping pills and got very stressed about it all. Since I've come back from Israel, I've returned to the UK (Where I live), and she came with me to stay... At this point it emerged that she is now more likely to get her documents, but she will not come back to Europe until September, and she was happier... She was even happier when I booked a flight for me to go to Brazil in June/July for 3 weeks.

She hasn't taken the tablets any more, and she has been sleeping well. She says it's mainly becuase I am there now too (ahh). She stayed with me in the UK for 13 days, and we celebrated my 25th birthday together (with my family too) on Friday.. It was such a strange occasion.. happy and sad at the same time.. She was supposed to stay with me until tomorrow, but I got called off on urgent business to Brussels (and left this morning), so she returned to Spain this morning to pack her things to leave for Brazil on Thursday.

Now, she wants to continue to live in Spain if she can, as the weather, culture, lifestyle are more suited to her, and she has a number of friends there (far more than she has in the UK- which basically consists of me, shitty weather, and a couple of her friends living up in London), which I understand, and I am going to try and get back to Spain to work from September so I can be there with her too, but does this kind of relationship sound like it is sustainable?

I am not going to see her for 3 months now, then we will have 3 weeks, then a 6 week gap, then if my work in Spain happens, a few more months... Does it sound like too much too-ing and fro-ing and complicated visas and distances?

If it all goes well in Spain, do you think I should expect her to move to the UK? as basically, I don't want to live there, she likes it, but doesn't like the weather much (She prefers Spain overall), ad I don't want to live in Spain, and neither of us want to live in Brazil!... I do love her, but sometimes wonder if at 25 I should be in something a bit less... I don't know... complicated.... I think the up-coming dry spell will tell me :/

CD

Thanks for the update. I'm unsure of what your next move should be, so I'll let the others here guide you.

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