pphillips

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Ok so heres my story. I'm 23 never had a serious gf b/c well basically I never felt that I wanted one. But now I do and I have 0 confidence in myself and my looks. I'm a big guy with a good personality and very outgoing. Every girl in my life is just "friends" and I love the girls in my life too. Theres one particular though that I absolutely would do anything for and we always flirt and we talk constantly we go out and drink together and everything. I wanna ask her out but I dont want 2 things to happen to me. 1 her to rejct me. and 2 i dont want her to think of me differently if i ask her out. I dotn know what to do and its killin me. Ive been working my @ss off the last 5mnths to lose weight to build my confidence I've dropped 64LBS just to try and boost my confidence and its working somewhat. I just dont know what to do with myself.

All advice is welcomed and appreciated thanks.

mar480

Ultimately man you got to go in for the plunge... the only way this is ever going to happen is for one of you to turn around to the other and initiate something to take your friendship to the next level and that's a bitch (I happen to be going through something similar myself).

As I see it you've got three problems:

1. You've never had a serious girlfriend before:

But everyone has to have a first sometime! Communication is what is key here: you have to be able to talk to your partner comfortably about this even if it makes you feel about 1 foot tall and as manly as Dale Winton. But you're getting ahead of yourself here because:

2: You're scared of being rejected.

Well absolutely! It's fucking horrible when it happens. But it does happen and you have to be able to deal with this. If you are worried about being rejected generally (and you'll want to take a good hard look at yourself before you answer that one) then go out to a bar or a singles night or anything where communication is encouraged (i.e. avoid clubs) and just strike up conversations with people. Not girls, notice: people. Set yourself a goal with each person you talk to: maybe aim to find out their favourite movie or get a phone number. It doesn't really matter because we're still working up to the main event, right?! Or if that doesn't work for you then go to a bookshop, hit the self-help section and look at any of those confidence building books. They all have good stuff in them to help you break that self-loathing down. Feel the fear, as they say, and do it anyway!

Specifically though, maybe there are other ways to work this problem out from a more microcosmic scheme. Are you close to any of her friends? Could you talk to them about this? Can they tell you if she is looking for someone, or what she is looking for ostensibly? I don't intend for you to approach this coyly; I'm suggesting that you can have an open conversation with a close friend of hers that she doesn't need to know about. That is, of course, entirely dependent on whether or not you have this kind of relationship with one of her friends.

3. You're scared she'll see you differently after you try to initiate something:

Well, technically that is what you want: you just want her to see you as boyfriend material rather than "oh my god why did he do that please never leave me in a room alone with him again because it will be incredibly awkward" material.

But to help you with this one I'll wax anecdotal:

A couple of years ago I met a girl at a bar: a friend of a friend. We chat in a group and I think nothing of her and don't expect to ever see her again. But I do because we end up working together. Turns out she lives five minutes away from me too so I end up walking her home a lot of the time. Anyway, she's always griping about some too dumb to know he's got a great girlfriend guy she's seeing and after a few months something clicks and I start getting really attracted to her. And I mean pretty seriously heads-over-heels kind of feelings. And one day I tell her.

And she freaks out! She stops talking to me, refuses to return any method of communication I attempt to contact her with and, are you reeady for this one, tells everyone we work with. So that's relatively awkward and we don't see each other for a little while. But after a little time has passed, we do see each other again. And yes it's tense and nervy and awkward but we move on with our lives. We're still friends to this day actually.

The point of which is that even if it all goes to pot, hopefully she'll be mature enough to take it as a compliment and not like the moron I fell for (even though we worked it out in the end).

Your self-confidence is harder for anyone to do anything about other than you. You seem to be preoccupied with the physical part of yourself but don't only focus on that. Look at yourself holistically and say one thing about you which you really like. Then three. Then five. Write those down and put them in your wallet. That way when you're out somewhere and you start doubting yourself you can take a private moment to look at them and remember what you think is good about yourself and not one other people think. They don't have to be anything big or arrogant but little things work just as well. For example, one of mine is that I can hold my own in most conversations irrelevant of whom I'm talking to. Another is that I really like Woody Allen films. One of those is a good social skill, the other entirely a personal preference. but I like that I like Woody Allen! And that makes it OK!

You seem to have a pretty good relationship with this girl. When you make a move (and you may want to hold on for a couple of weeks or so despite that feeling I know you have to just ring her up or run to her door and give one of those end-of-a-romantic-comedy monologues that always get true love's kiss) you need to tell her that the friends part of your relationship is amazing and that you value it so much. That tells her that even if she says no that you're OK with that (even if you're not) and you can go on being friends no harm and no foul.

But dude, ultimately it is down to you. Take a deep breath and take the chance. Society instructs us to focus on the negatives but this could happen for you and it could be amazing. But if you just sit here on Webrats (fine institution that it is) and worry then she is going to go out and find someone to do the job that you should be doing.

I really hope this thing works out for you. You sound like a nice guy and whilst it seems that nice guys finish last most of the time, well... who knows? Maybe you'll prove the exception to the rule!

Keep me posted!

mar480

msub

Just go for it.

If you want her to think of you as more than a friend, you have to treat her like she's more than a friend. Tell her how you feel.

I don't have lots of experience with different girls. But I can definitely say that after looking back, I'd rather have taken deep blows to the ego than hesitate indefinitely the way I did. And you're definitely hesitating, by the sounds of it.

CD

Brilliant reply. Repped.

Here's my take. I've been there before with a girl that was a friend that I wanted to take it to another level. I found that it wasn't to be, but there is no way in the world that knowing that would be worse than not knowing and always wondering "what if".

Also, if I can go from dating and being physical with girls, to just being friends, I think it's only weird if you let it get weird. If she backs off, then it's her loss. In fact, I kind of like to get to know who I'm interested in before I actually make my move. I find that there's a reason you start to get those feelings, so why not act on them? On the flip side though, getting experience like just going up and talking to people (mar480's suggestion), is also good if it leads to dates and such. It will give you a little bit more knowledge into the vastly different mindsets of females you come in contact with. Some will be crazy (ok, all will be crazy), but it also makes you appreciate the good ones all the more. If you can try the dates to get experience and then go with the friends to something more approach, you'll probably be happier down the road.

/my $0.02

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jShizz

The short answer is, you will never know until you try. There is no breaking the female psyche, so chances are you will never be able to "guess" how she might respond.

Just go for it. Good luck.