nismo55

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Okay, I've been browsing this forum a lot and it seems the perfect place for me to get some feedback from...

Background - Known this girl for about a year know (we're both in college). She's had a really rough past with her ex and he continues to bother her. Anyway, we've been "good" friends for the past year and I knew the moment I saw her that she was the perfect one for me. We have a lot of classes together and basically study/do all of our work together as well. Now of course study time doesn't always mean study time so we often talk about life etc and she constantly seems to bring up her views on relationships in general and how she doesn't trust guys anymore and thinks they're all players. Everything about her fills the criteria that I seek in a girl - ranging from her beauty, personality, and innocence.
We have a lot of mutual friends and she's always asking me if I'm friends with people she doesn't happen to like, especially other guys who are close with her ex. Basically she's scared for her life at times because he's a psychotic sunvabitch.
Now this year has been interesting because shes given me slight hints but nothing great enough for me to act upon. I know she trusts me more than any other guy on campus because I'm always there for her when she needs help with school etc...
I don't know what to make of the situation... does her having a psychotic ex make the chances better for me, since she could be looking for someone to protect her etc... or does it play against me because he treated her like shit and now she has a completely fucked up view on relationships?
I'm just so confused because I really really really like her and cannot stop thinking about her but for some reason I don't want to come on too strong and quick; she's just too damn innocent. My gameplan was to get on her good side and then make the move, and I think I've done a great job of getting on her good side but I'm having trouble making the move for some reason. Should I just ask her out to a movie one night and gradually confess my feelings towards her or what?

Btw - her ex is the only BF she's ever had.... and I've been in one serious relationship (2+yrs) in my life so maybe that can also work in my favor because I'm not known for hooking up with girls left and right.

I feel like I'm in the perfect position now but I want to get the bright green signal from her first....

I don't consider myself to be friendzoned because I made sure this doesn't happen. For example, the only time we really end up talking and getting together is when we're "studying" And I don't call her or talk to her on the phone until 3am or anything like that. In fact, I make sure she's the one who calls me, and not the other way around, when we're supposed to meet up. I guess you can say I've kinda made myself appear as a mysterious man because I've been careful not to give too much out about myself yet.

Also, I know her ex and he knows me and what I'm capable of. I also know that if I end up getting this girl that I will make his life hell until he gets on his knees and apologizes (he's known to be a bitch when confronted by other guys his size...)

Any suggestions or advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

fmb

This shit will blow up in your face. Think long and hard before you commit yourself to this path you want. Why? You list the reasons in your question. First, she has had a hell of an ordeal with her ex. Physically or mentally abusive you don't state, but can be assumed (yes, I know the thing about assumptions). She will have some mental issues to deal with and it will take a strong person to stand by her while she faces these things. In general, bad relationships like this don't "just happen".

Second, she appears (to me, based on your report) to have a thing or two about who knows about where she is and what (or who) she's doing things with.

You say you're not worried about the other guy, that you know him. Yes, assholes like him generally do run from those who turn to face them; after all, these guys are just older versions of the playground bully. Show them you will not put up with their stuff and you generally don't have further problems. Watch out. Sometimes the people you think you know or have figured out do things you never thought they would.

Keep your eyes open, don't let your guard down, and don't feel so bad if your heart gets pulled through the mud when it's over. This has the potential to be a very volatile relationship. I've been there, bought this t-shirt, video, and have the tattoo. Listen to your gut and don't let our heart override anything your gut tells you to watch out for.

nismo55

Honestly, I'm not worried about her mental state because I'm pretty confident I can change her world - so to speak. Consider me a patient guy; if it takes time for her to fully accept me and forget about the past, I'm all for it and am willing to battle through it.

About her past... he cheated on her BIGTIME, fucked with her head and I also assume he was abusive (although she hasn't mentioned any such thing)

I don't know what it is man but I've never felt such strong attraction to anyone, not even my ex whom I thought was the most amazing person I ever met. Maybe it's her innocence that gets the best of me...

And I'm not superstitious or anything but it just seems as if she was handmade for me. I can almost sense when I'm going to run into her during the day and 9/10 times it happens. She just appears before my eyes and I wonder if it really was meant to be... i dunno it's a crazy feeling or maybe just coincidence.


Thanks for your input.

Echolalia

I'm no expert on this sort of thing, but if you really like her that much, give it a go.

However, it does sound like a bad situation. Be careful about the ex-boyfriend. It always surprises me how unpredictable and crazy people are.

Even if he isn't a problem, watch out for her too. It sounds strange that you wouldn't be in the "friends zone" considering the way you described your relationship with her. Has she given you any real indicators that she is interested in you "that way"? She may not be, but who knows. Could you be making too much out of her hints?
She may also be trouble because she goes on and on about how much trouble men are (why would she say that to a guy? Especially one she would be interested in? That sounds off). This is just me, but it sounds like she is looking for the protector figure. It may turn into a relationship, sure, but it could also just be that weird static crush-friend kind of thing.
Also, the fact that you keep describing her as "innocent" (what does that mean, exactly?) and the fact that she hasn't gotten rid of her boyfriend yet all sound like trouble to me.

Since you know the situation better than anyone here, it is kind of all up to you. But a lot doesn't sound right (that is just my gut reaction), so I would just say that you should be careful.

yellowfish

i think you are on the friends ladder http://forums.webrats.com/showthrea...=friends+ladder
sorry but i think if you try hit it you will ruin it all
but please take this with a pinch of salt because i havent walked a mile in your shoes

nismo55

Thanks again to everyone who has responded.

I consider her innocent because that's just what I see when I look into her eyes; she has that sweet/innocent look, and her personality certainly backs it up. She's basically new to relationships and I'm sure that faggot never took her out on a real date.

I'm pretty sure she hasn't placed me on the friend ladder yet, but if she has then oh well - I think I can jump to the other one.

This week I'm going to start making some more obvious moves to test the waters. I'll keep you guys updated.

Peace.

fmb

Okay Nismo man:

Thanks for taking my comments seriously, as I am coming out of a hideous relationship that had many similarities to your description of the events surrounding your desires for this woman. This had some influence on my comments.

If this is your choice, go ahead; however, remember this: don't go into this assuming you can rescue her from the bullshit she has experienced. If this is the path you choose, try to keep an open mind about things and assess the relationship to confirm it is meeting your expectations.

Please keep us posted. I truly hope things work out for you and for her. Peace to you and your potential relationship!

Raymond Babbit

fmb's right. Be really careful about this, dude. I was in a similar situation this summer. I'd known this girl for a year, and had been friends with her and shit. When her and I first started talking, she'd just gotten out of a really bad, abusive, three-year long relationship. She was down on men in general, except me. She's pretty much a man-hater, really. Finally we decided to start dating, and I thought I could prove to her that not all guys are bad. Well, there ended up being other issues involved too (such as distance and the fact that she's bi-polar), but a main one, even before we'd officially started dating, was that she'd almost kinda blame me for what her ex had done. Not literally, but like...........if I said or did something that reminded her of him, she would automatically assume I did it for the same reasons, and didn't seem to understand the concept that, you know..................I'm not him.

Another potential problem, at least from my experience is that..........her previous experience had made her somewhat cold and distant, emotionally. She doesn't like commitments anymore, because she views them as holding her down. Not that she's a slut or anything, she also has issues with sex because of it. But her experience made her extremely selfish when it came to matters of the heart and emotional issues.

Frankly, the fact that you said you thought you could change her world also should be a point of concern. I've learned from experience that you never, ever get into a relationship with someone because you want to change them, or their opinions on relationships. More often than not, that won't happen, and you'll end up getting burned. Especially if it was one of the few major relationships she's ever had, I can guarantee it'll be pretty ingrained in her.

Not saying any of this will happen to you, since, as I said, there were lots of other things involved in my situation. If you really think it could work, go for it, but just make sure you keep in mind the possible negatives before making your decision.

Having said all that, good luck, and I hope it works out for you.

kulotsalot

My general experience of people who got "fucked over" in a previous relationship say that they want to break the cycle, but do things that ensure the cycle gets repeated. People who think they can help break the cycle (people wanting to be "good" bfs/gfs thinking they can change his/her world) are left dealing with the aftermath of it all thinking, WTF just happened?

Remember that when you say that she is innocent, you are in fact saying that "you consider her to be" innocent. BIG difference. Her brain has been affected by her experiences, and whether you like it or not this will affect her on some level.

yammy

I don't see a problem of going after what you want. In the end, good things only come to those who pursue what they want.

One thing that does concern me is, what do you two have in common other than study habits? You sound a bit all over her in a vacuum...

travcook

Number one: This situation is volatile, so you gotta be careful or that shit'll blow up in yo face!
Number two: Even though you think you aren't in the "friend zone", you gotta be damn sure of that because chicks are friggin' impossible to read. However, it sounds like she's been dropping you some hints? So you could try to make a move, just don't come on too strong. If you do, your friendship could become awkward because you've laid it all out there and she may not be interested.

Good luck bro

jasefm

Go for it, you only life once... however... I was best friends with a girl in college for three years. We both had several relationships, but I LOVED her to no bounds. We flerted constantly, and one time when she had a bad time with her boy friend and was crying in my arms we started kissing. It lasted a week. It seemed like it felt like she was kissing her brother. She was never very passionate (or maybe that was just how she really was...) When she broke it off she became a total bitch rubbed it in my face. I was 24 and it fucked me up for years. I loved her but she did not love me. I'm still glad I did it. I learned so much from it, it just took time to see it.
It takes two to tango. Give it a shot and see if it works, but if it does not move on and don 't beat yourself up.

CD

I doubt she's as innocent as you think.


Why? If you want to use a traffic analogy, how about I ask you what green light you'll see if it's just a 4 way stop sign and no traffic light? Dude, if you want to make a move don't wait for her to tell you to make one.

With that aside, I'd also like to STRONGLY caution you on this potential relationship. Smart money is on the fact that she's gonna have some issues that you aren't able to fix (time works better in these cases), and it will strain your friendship to the breaking point. I wouldn't in this case cause I've seen the damage that a cheating ex-bf causes, and if he really was her first, you are up shit creek without a paddle.

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tarun_sharma

awesome post. I went through something somewhat similar, except that in my case the girl and I were together for 3-4 years..and yet it seemed like she only was very into the relationship for a period of 6-7 months, and afterwards it was always me in love and she kept having crushes on others too..when it finally ended, left me scarred for a longg time during which I never got into a serious relationship for fear of getting too attached to the other person.

but then again, it was a great learning experience and i'll never be that stupid again. so, go for it and remember, never have any regrets..if you've never tried it, you may well wonder years later as to how it could have been. at least if you try it out, you'll know the answer. best luck !