nlatt

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Ok, this is obviously a common problem. But, I need some advice anyway. We will be married for 2 years this coming January and have been together over 5. She rarely initiates sex and often complains of "not feeling good, or being tired." I honestly can't remember the last time she said, "I feel great!" I will also add that she admits to being depressed. This is something that I deal with every day. Honestly, in the past week, it has started to affect me. I've always been an incredibly optimistic and outgoing guy. I just started a great new job last month that gives me a lot more time for us to spend together.

If I'm lucky, we'll have sex MAYBE once a week. Many of you married guys probably think thats not too terrible. But, I also feel like I do all the work. I lick her pussy (because I enjoy it) and I kiss and massage her all over. She despises giving blowjobs (which I have slowly begun to accept) and really dosen't seem to be too intereted in sex. In fact, I think she feels that me having sex at all is more than enough to satisfy my desires. Well, simply put, it isn't. I will also add that she has told me that "when I mention how often we do it, it makes her want to do it less." I have tried to breach this conversation and have no officially given up.

Obviously our relationship is much more complex than these two paragraphs, but I need some advice. I love her to death, but am afraid the next 50 years of my life will be sexless. I have lots of fantasies that I imagined she would care that I want to try (anal etc.). But, at this point, that seems a REALLY long shot. PLEASE HELP!!!

zxxsevenxxz

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devi

Well, i'm not married but i think i can still help. My advice: take her to a doctor. Depression decreases sex drive, among other things. Treating her depression may help her (and you) with sex.

Devone16

I agree.... I've been with my wife for about 9 years, and we have had good sex periods and almost 6 month droughts. There r alot of factors to deal with when considering a womans libido. She could feel inadequate or "unsexy". Sometimes talkin to her about it help, but you really have to sugar coat it and be willing to ask questions and listen to her. I know how you feel man.. hang in there, I know sometimes you feel like a rapist in your own house trying to PERSUADE you wife to have sex. Also you may have to accept the fact that she may not be a sexual person like you are. Either way, try some counseling if she is depressed. Find some really good books on bettering coulples sex. By the way how old is your wife???

jeffc574

Depression needs to be treated. It does not get better by it's self. She can start by talking with any doctor, they can steer her in the right direction. My company provides a free confidential conseling service. Maybe hers does as well.

Don't push the issue to hard, it will only make things worse.

linthat22

Talking is key, at least for my wife and I. Sometimes there could be another underlying problem that hasn't manifested yet. My suggestion, if ya'll don't have any kids. Clear off the dining room table, whip out a puzzle, get a bottle of wine, put on some soothing music, and just talk.

I noticed with the music going and the hands and eyes focused on a puzzle, it's not so "interrogating" and more relaxed.

That works for us. Good luck and I hope everything works out.

TJones

Good advice, so far...AND, definitely don't make it about YOU. Depression makes a person feel really crappy about themselves and very "un-sexy" ...a situation that is almost guaranteed to make her feel like it's all about you and your desires when you bring up sex.

Bottom line is you both aren't happy...and, the reasons are very related. Talk, talk, talk. Communication is key to a relationship. Have a night (or day) where she is the queen. Take her to dinner...go to a movie...get her a massage...whatever it takes to make her feel like you want to spoil the hell out of her...WITHOUT any strings attached...that is, at the end of the night, go jerk off if necessary, but don't force sex into it. If you can work some conversation about how she feels into the night, great...hear her out and encourage her to talk about how she feels **so you can figure out some strategies to help her.** DEFINITELY don't make it an issue where you want to help her so you can have sex, again.

It might be a long road and it might be a bumpy road...but, she needs your help as much (probably more) than you need hers, at this point. If your relationship is, or ever was healthy, you are probably the best person to help her.

btlook1

I feel for you dude, I have been married 16yrs. and my sex life couldn't be better. It's probably better now than it was when we were 25. I would definatly check on the depression thing. Could be she just doesn't like sex, I'm sure there are women out there that do not...although I haven't met many of them considering I'm married. Good luck!!!

mntlfngrs

I'm married 8 years, together 12. (OMFG!!!) and I would say 1 a week is quite poor. But I was in that boat for a while. Wife had thyroid problems and was tired and feeling not so good. Not to mention she had quite a few extra pounds after our child. Not feeling good and not feeling sexy is a killer in the bedroom. Turned out that she has quit taking the thyroid meds and feels much better.

Once piece of advice I have for all guys in a relationship. You may reconize it as a quote from the "THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG by Robert Anson Heinlein". I love Heinlien and think these are very true.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
Rub her feet.
Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers.

Not advise but a favorite of mine:
Darling, a true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires.

Anyway, when I started telling her how much she turns me on and how sexy I thought she was, she started to feel sexy. And that made all the difference in the world. She is still pretty vanilla when it comes to sex but were getting there. We usually have sex 5-7 times a week and while she doesn't "initiate" she throws her signals clearly. That to her mind is initiating but whatever, I'm not complaining!

BillaBong6

As already said, make sure ur wife knows (or at least thinks) that she is sexy. Self-esteem is a major part of having sex, especially for a depressed person. Have you ever tried the idea of watching pr0n together? It may be hard to talk about it, but my girl was actually very turned on by it and it allowed us to 'act out' somethings we were watching.

One a week is not enough. If it continues for awhile, and after having talked to her seriously about it, I would consult a sex therapist, because sex is a healthy part and should be an enjoyable part of marriage.

Also, try having sex at different times of the day. Sometimes women are 'hornier' in the morning for example. Also when ur visiting her cat, pay attention to her level of vaginal lubrication, as this is a major indicator of arousal.

If nothing works, give her a few drinks and see if that will take her edge off.

However, I would really talk to her about whats really on her mind, as it really seems like a psychological problem with her.

weasel_ugs

Oh man not what I wanted to hear,I just got a vasectomy so she can go off the pill. We both hoped this would help her drive. Im in the same boat with the original poster except Im lucky if its every other month and Ive been married 16 yrs.

TMack23

While I agree that having her work with a doctor on her depression is paramount, you could also try running or working out with her if she will. Running is one of those activities that will get your blood pumping (endorphines too, which give you a good feeling) as well as put you back into shape increasing both of your physical attractiveness and maybe bring back that spark.