Advice for my situation...
 

This past weekend the woman I had been dating decided it was better for us to become friends. Yes, sounds very cliche, but I got the "I love you but not in love with you" line. The thing is we never told each other we loved each other.

Throughout the course of the relationship I always questioned it, if it was the right thing for me, if it was out of convenience, and moved very slowly and cautiously. We finally hit the "boyfriend/girlfriend" title phase after a few months of dating.

The relationship moved along fine, until our first argument. It then transformed into the talk about the relationship, and how it wasn't what she wanted, and we broke it off. She only saw me as a friend and did not want to lead me on anymore.

It wasn't a messy break up. I got all my things back, I got the money that she owed me when she got into a rent problem with her landlord, and deep down inside, it was the absolute right thing to do. I would not want to be lead on more, and on top of that, we had a vacation planned that was going to cost us a pretty penny.

There lies the problem. I feel like I'm depressed. Every time I think of something or see something that I did with/reminds me of her I feel like shit. My friends are wonderful, have taken me out, taken me to strip clubs, but for some reason, I keep thinking about her. Was it love? Or am I just stuck in the typical "break up mode" what I've had in my life before?

Any replies, suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I know this thread seems like a cookie cutter "what should i do" etc etc, but this break up is so much different from my other ones. I just need other people's advice and points of views, please.

Thank you very much webrats.

Re: Advice for my situation...
 

Don't be "friends", at least not for a while till you've been able to process & get past it; besides being her "friend" is just letting her dictate the terms & no man needs that from any woman. Just be "unavailable" for a while; give yourself enough time of not talking to/dealing with/seeing her & you will be fine.

At least you didn't have a lot emotionally/financially invested.

Stay frosty & MAYBE be friends some time way down the line, if you feel like it, and when YOU are ready. Never give up your control of the situation because that is when you are open to being taken advantage of.

Re: Advice for my situation...
 

Well being lead on really sucks, its lesson in how to protect yourself from getting hurt. I dont think strip clubs/alcohol are gonna help you get it over it. Usually occupying yourself with something productive that makes you feel good work. I took up fire spinning and it brought me to a whole new level with myself.

But if she wants to be friends and told you shes leading you on theres no chance. So out of sight out of mind.
If you want to remain friends and see her often its most likely gonna make it harder for you.

Re: Advice for my situation...
 

you're asking if you're in-love. i think you are, which makes things not good on your part, because you're bound to hurt yourself. there are no shortcuts to things that you're experiencing right now. but believe me, whatever you'll experience will make you decide better the next time it happens. thinking about it would make you feel bad. but it can't be helped.

by the time you realized that you're really over her, thats the only time you can look back at things neutrally. i can't say how long that might take, so don't wait for it to happen, coz it will happen. for the mean time, do things that you neglected or should've done had you had the time doing it. or find new things to do.

if those doesn't work, talk to her. if she doesn't want to see you anymore, then take her word. try to find where you should be.

good luck.

Re: Advice for my situation...
 

don't call her or try to be where she will be. If this means hanging with different friends for a while, then so be it. Regardless of whether or not you loved her, she doesn't feel that way. There isn't one good thing that could happen from further conversation with her until you can view the situation objectively, at which point you'll decide there are too many fish in the sea to worry about the one that got away. I feel like I've had the most growth and made the most improvements to myself during the aftermath of failed relationships. I'm not a pyschologis, but I believe that you can either let your actions determine your feelings or your feelings dictate your actions. And when you let your feelings dictate your actions, that's called being a pussy (in my book anyway). Symptoms usually include moping, getting fat, depression, and calling her on impulse. Indulging in these things leads down the path of emasculation. Make sure you stay physically active and always keep your mind occupied with something constructive (not too much video games or any of that bullshit). I know it sounds machismo and prescriptive in a movie-esque manner, but it's the way it should be. Most men never recognize, and therefore never utilize a key tool that we have at our disposal: We can take any and every feeling that we experience in our entire lifetimes and transform that feeling into energy WITHOUT EVER ACTUALLY HAVING TO CONSCIOUSLY IDENTIFY THAT FEELING. This energy can be used for an array of activities including sex, working-out/athletics, and other forms of legal violence. It's very simple. here are some scenarios.

Feeling: I am sad.
Response: I work-out like a fucking maniac for an hour and half. Now I'm PUMPED! Hell YEAH!

Feeling: I am frustrated with relationship situation.
Response: I learn to play the bass guitar and melt your face next time you see me! ROCK!

Feeling: I am happy.
Response: Time to hit the town everybody. Make sure you bring your camera so that you can forever cherish the memories of the things you won't remember tomorrow.

Feeling: I'm conflicted cause ex-girlfiend called and gives some half-ass reason that she needs/wants to see me.
Response: Tell her no. Then go do something with another girl that you always used to do with her. Hell yes that feels good.


I know it sounds obsurd, but it's more true than most people would like to believe. Don't try to identify the feelings. Just burn them all up. They go away fastest like that, and you end up benefiting from them. Hell, sometimes I wish I was going through a devestating breakup every couple of months just to keep me on my feet. I know it sounds like i'm joking, but i've found it all to be true.

Re: Advice for my situation...
 

hmmm ...

she pulled the pin on the relationship ... that certainly does not make you a bad guy in this .
financial and material issues were squared away in an mutually honorable/satisfactory manner ... as it should be , certainly nothing wrong there .
if you didn't have some real feelings for her , you wouldn't be having the case of the black-ass that you are experiencing ... better than being angry as hell .
whooping it up with your friends is only a momentary distraction from what is bugging you ... come the morning , the real issues are still there .
it is going to take some time and space to accept and digest what has happened . you have to allow yourself to do that .

if you feel that you honestly said or done anything during that "argument" (and possibly afterwards) that was said/done out of anger or spite then write her a letter of amends and send it to her or have a mutual friend deliver it ... it is up to her to accept or reject it . as was mentioned , minimalize the contact with her .
the important part is to clean up your side of the street .
after all , she was at least honest enough with you to say what she felt and not string you along , surely that must have been done with some amount of respect on her part .


ps ... a feeling is just that . it don't mean that it's real or true , good or bad ... it's what you do with it that matters .

Re: Advice for my situation...
 

Its natural for you to feel like that. You are gonna have feelings for her for a little while and be a little down, its only normal.

Now as for being friends thing, not a good idea. I know its hard but your best bet is to just try and stay away from her. She doesnt see you as more then a friend and as long as your around her thats not going to change, but if you keep staying around her your not gonna get rid of the feelings and your just setting yourself up for more hurt.

Also dont go on the vacation. Just keep yourself surrounded by friends and you will find another girl before you know it :)

Re: Advice for my situation...
 

It's only natural to feel that way. I think you gave more of yourself then she gave to you. That is always the hardest part. The sone "the way that I love you" comes to mind. It's be Ashanti, and her meaning for the song was that she was in love with some one that did not love her the same and she ended up killing him " )......you should listen to the words of the song, I think that it explains what you are feeling. I'm not suggesting you go and kill her either, I'm just saying.......God bless

Re: Advice for my situation...
 

i'd have to agree with all that was said...my girlfriend broke up with when she was going through very tough times in her life, yeah at first I moped and didn't understand what happened and all that does is make you look even more unattractive to her that you can't deal with it. I got over that and did exactly what ulysses said, I worked out like a mother, seriously everyday I was in that gym for 2 hours. The last time I saw her she had a new boyfriend but I came in full of confidence and she was blown away, we talked and I told her straight up I wasn't going to call her and then I left...almost 2 months later she called me and her boyfriend ended up being crazy, treated her like shit, and I feel like shes got some remorse for breaking up with me, but thats up to her to decide. Once you fill your life with more activity and doing what you want, it all comes together, hang in there, it'll all work out, and whatever is meant to be will find its way, just have faith