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Team USA denies swimmer fish-farm after Flipper Phelps blunder

BEIJING. The record-breaking achievements of American swimmers in Beijing are being reassessed after shocking evidence emerged today of baby swimmers being mass-produced in fish-farm conditions in the United States. The inhumane practice came to light after journalists secretly observed superstar swimmer Michael Phelps being fed liquidised raw herring through a tube.

Darius Kebab of the Persian Press Agency said he and a colleague had gone in search of the men's toilets outside the famous Water Cube yesterday, but had become disoriented.

He said they quickly found themselves in an industrial area outside the Olympic Village.

"It was mostly livestock holding-pens and chemical warehouses, but at one point the buildings sort of opened out and there was this pond," said Kebab. "It was filthy and stank of fish and cheap aftershave."

That was when they saw Phelps and the rest of the American swimming team.

"They were all just kind of cruising around in the pond, back and forth, bumping up against each other, or blowing out air through the scum on the surface.

"Phelps tried to get out a couple of times, but a little man ran up both times and forced him back into the pool with an electric cattle prod."

The man has subsequently been identified as the US swimming team coach, Angus McBane.

However the journalists say there were "stunned and nauseated" when they heard Phelps try to protest.

"He doesn't seem to be able to form human language," said Kebab. "He was clearly pleading to be let out, but it was all through a series of clicks, trills, squeaks and low moans."

He said that after Phelps had "trilled and clicked for a few minutes", clapping his hands together and kicking his legs out, the man seemed to become less agitated and produced a bucked of liquidised herring.

Kebab said that Phelps had looked "pitifully grateful", but that he had "become extremely aggressive" when fellow swimmers had tried to barge him off the hosepipe through which the herring was being pushed.

"It looked like he bit Jason Lezak in the head. There was quite a lot of blood."

The revelations have sparked outrage amongst human rights watch groups in the United States who have long suspected US sports administrators of abducting babies and moulding them into Olympic champions, often in brutal conditions.

Nancy Babber, the head of Say No To Fishbabies, an NGO committed to rescuing infants and children from predatory swimming coaches, says the Beijing incident confirms many of their worst fears.

She described "vast holding tanks" in Nevada, in which tens of thousands of babies are left to "sink or swim, but mostly to sink".

"It's horrific," she said. "Imagine forty or fifty fetid Olympic-sized swimming pools, covered in all the stuff babies excrete, clogged with used diapers, and packed solid with babies, all desperately doing backstroke to stay alive."

"Every week they dangle a herring off a high-diving board, and whichever baby gets closest to it is singled out as a future Olympian."

She said that the rest were either "turned into high school swimming coaches, or into cat food".

She added that Phelps's rudimentary language skills were not a surprise.

"We've known that he's been lip-synching for years. None of the US swimmers can speak at all because they've had their larynxes removed to allow for greater lung capacity."

The US Olympic governing body was unavailable for comment.

Anibal

"We've known that he's been lip-synching for years. None of the US swimmers can speak at all because they've had their larynxes removed to allow for greater lung capacity."



The kid is just too good, like that Usain Bolt dude that broke the world record in 100mts and he begun celebrating like 20 - 30 meters before the race ended.

I met Ed Moses last winter (winter for you guys) and he speaks fine so i guess not all olympic swimmers have their larynxes removed jajajajjajaja

i had never wasted 2 minutes reading something more idiotic than this and that deserves some rep

PurpleButton

I always knew phelps was a fish. Now to just find out where he got his human costume from...