shut up and sit down

[jShizz]

Report: Some Kid's Head Cracked Open In Gym This Morning | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

NAPERVILLE, IL—-In an event that everyone at James Madison Junior High is calling really freaking gross, some kid's head got cracked open Wednesday during third-period gym class.



Custodians quickly sealed off the gym, preventing students from seeing the humongous dent where the kid (inset) blasted his head on the floor.

The unnamed student, whom eyewitnesses described as some spaz from Mrs. Calloway's homeroom, reportedly attempted to rebound a basketball, lost his balance, and fell backward, slamming his head super-hard against the floor.

Although the extent of the injury has not yet been determined, seventh-grade sources said that it was totally gushing blood and would probably need like 400 stitches.

"It was nuts," 12-year-old Brian Swanson said. "He fell straight back."

"There was tons of blood dripping all over the place," added Swanson, who told reporters that the sound of the kid breaking his head on the floor could seriously be heard all the way to the boys' bathroom.

A majority of those surveyed believe that blood is still pouring out of the crack in the kid's head.

As of press time, it has not been established whether or not the student's parents have been contacted, but many agreed they will flip out when they see their child's head split open like that.

Sources reported that gym teacher Mr. Jenkins was majorly pissed when he found out about the accident, telling the whole class to "shut up and sit down" when everyone started freaking out. Moreover, numerous kids in the class corroborated allegations that Mr. Jenkins totally swore by saying "Fuck" upon seeing the cracked-open head.

According to several students who definitely saw the incident happen with their own eyes, Mr. Jenkins had to actually carry the kid to the school nurse, because he was bawling so hard. Others verified early reports that snot was hanging out of the kid's nose from all the crying.

The entire class, however, disputed 13-year-old Rick Everson's claim that he himself had cracked his own head open this one time.

"No way," said Heather Blake, adding that Everson was such a liar. "If that happened, you'd either be dead or in the Special Ed classes."

Eighth-graders Brian Grabowski and Tim Steinmetz both provided accounts that several students who witnessed the accident puked everywhere, which they knew because the hallway outside the gymnasium reeked of barf.

Expressing regret that he was not in the class at the time, Grabowski told reporters it would have been hilarious to see students blowing chunks all over the place.

"I totally bet you that Stephanie Hulbert was puking," Grabowksi said. "She throws up like every day."

According to Ben Vandenberg's uncle, there was a worse incident 15 years ago, in which an eighth-grader fell while running down the hallway and accidentally stabbed a compass almost totally through his frigging hand. The kid reportedly had to be taken away in an ambulance with the compass still hanging out and everything.

During a brief fact-finding mission before fourth period, members of Mrs. Griebe's geography class were unable to prove speculations that the kid's hair had chunks of brain in it.

[fmb]

Direct pressure. See the nurse. Call mommy and go home for the day.

[joerockhead]

When cleaning up the blood and brains, do the janitors use the same stuff they use to clean up puke???

[CD]

Do gallons of blood stain tile floors?

[fmb]

Originally Posted by CD

Do gallons of blood stain tile floors?

No, not if (prior to the blood letting) the tile floor received an appropriate sealer and coat of wax.

The only thing I've ever seen stain a sealed and waxed tile floor is the silver nitrate used in the burn center. The stuff fixed wounds and the silver killed germs and prevented infection in the burn patients. The tiles received a brown stain wherever the solution was spilled or dropped.

[joerockhead]

Originally Posted by fmb

No, not if (prior to the blood letting) the tile floor received an appropriate sealer and coat of wax.

The only thing I've ever seen stain a sealed and waxed tile floor is the silver nitrate used in the burn center. The stuff fixed wounds and the silver killed germs and prevented infection in the burn patients. The tiles received a brown stain wherever the solution was spilled or dropped.

Kinda like some shit stains

[YaMon]

Fucking used to love the Onion. Kind of slowed then stopped checking in on it after they killed off Herbert Kornfeld.


Herbert Kornfeld | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[macho biscuit]

i always wanted the "area man" t-shirt.