Is it just me? (need advice from folks with kids)

[ragrat64]

I don't know how many people on here are middle aged with kids, this question is for you...

What do you expect from your kids? I have a 17 year old Step-daughter who excels in school, however, Every day I come home from work for lunch, or at the end of the day, she is in front of the television. She will only do the occasional dinner dishes, let the dogs out and feed them, clean her room, if asked, she will do nothing unless asked to do it. She wants rides to town to go to the library, or to hang with friends, we have to juggle schedules and make extra trips. My wife says that my opinion that she should do more to help out with routine chores is out of line, stating she is "just a kid" and thats the way all kids are.

When I was brought up, I got my ass beat if I truly F**ked up. If I wanted something, I had the Lawn to mow and various other light chores to justify it.

So I guess that is my question. Is it wrong for me to ask that stuff gets done, you know, " I help you, you help me" attitude, or am I just losing my mind?

[Juan.Camaney]

I agree with you. Do chores get any easier with time? No. Yeah, she IS a kid...and yeah she IS enjoying her kid time...at school and when she has spare time to hang with her friends. But she is 17...ie only a kid a few more months!

I think it might have more to do with her being your step daughter and your wife not liking you bossing her around.

Look, I come from a very male centric background. Where I'm from, woman chores are woman chores regardless of what they did all day (work or school). I'm not 100% like that, but we all know that both women and men have their regular roles. That is regardless of who the breadwinner is, you can't expect a woman to do heavy lifting etc. Yes, they are fully capable of doing it in most domestic cases. But do you really want your women getting rough hands and straining their bodies to where they can damage their bodies? No! If there are dishes to be done and a lot of branches and other gardening waste that needs to be taken down and you have a couple who are married, its a no brainer that the man do the heavy work and the woman do the dishes....why? Because that's just the way it is.

If your daughter is doing well in school, that's great....congratulations. But having to ask her to clean her room, and to help out around the house is just stupid. Its not like you want her doing chores 24-7, right? Just want her to put in her little bit of help so she can be more responsible.

Definitely nothing wrong with your point of view. I would definitely talk to your wife about her undermining your authority. A step dad is as much a regular dad if you are helping in raising her.

[Juan.Camaney]

Also forgot to add, limit her TV watching time! Unless she is watching documentaries and other information that's relevant, turn that fucking MTV off!

[ragrat64]

No she watches ABC Family, Gilmore girls, stuff like that.
We have what we call Family Dinner one night a week, a night we put all other things aside and have a good meal. My wife wants to know why I never speak at these dinners. I tell her that when the 3 of us sit down to eat, The TOTAL conversation revolves around which one of the Step-daughters friends broke up with who, who is a slut and who is a a-hole. Not one time does the conversation ever turn and say, Hey Rob, how was your day? I mean this just drives me batty, I do not ask for much in return for the cell phones, rides to school everyday so she does not have to ride the bus, getting her up for school every morning because she can't wake up half the time using an Alarm clock.
I thought about just saying, " OK, you can't think for yourself to help out around here, then how about I just quit doing things for you? "

Then the wife and Mother-in Law step in, give her what she wants, and my piont never gets made. I told my wife one time about the dinner no conversation thing, the next time at dinner, everyone made it a point to ask me about my day, then the next week, it went right back to the same old crap. My wife seems to think I would be happier alone, however I think I will be happier when all the kids are out of the house and gone, doing there own thing washing their own dishes and wondering maybe Rob was right...

[macho biscuit]

i'm 40, my daughter is now 19. when she was 17 she wouldn't do shit, no matter how much we told her, asked her, nagged her. i tried that family dinner thing, it never happened. i feel your pain and frustration.

the only thing i can tell you is, when she went off to college and lived on her own, she became pretty responsible. i think her defiance is part of the "separating from mom and dad" thing kids go through, the assertion of independence.

if the kid isn't getting pregnant, and you don't have to worry about visits from the police, or bailing her out of jail, you are doing a great job, and be happy with it. your role as a parent is to get them safely to an age where they can go out into the world as prepared as they can be, so they can fuck up and make their own mistakes and learn.

yeah, its frustrating, but in a few more years, it will all work out. it always does.

[ragrat64]

Macho, I think you hit it on the head. She is a good kid, I just look at things much different. ( must be the age) I see my Wife struggling with trying to balance 3-4 things a once, AFTER she puts in a full day at work, I'm just the type to think "What can I do for you to help you get your stuff done so we can all take a break, watch a Movie or whatnot.

The other Stepdaughter left for college last year, comes back for summer, comes and goes as she pleases, totally trashes the spare bedroom and just up and leaves again. She was lazy like the younger one, and still has a lot to learn, I just pity the day she needs me to fix her car........

[Juan.Camaney]

Whoa, rat man, I got to hand it to you, you sound like a great father. My hat tips off to you, sir, for stepping up to do what someone else couldn't or wasn't able or didn't want to do.

I'm 30, unmarried, and no kids, BTW, so my advice on this is about as good as tits on a dog.

Sounds to me like you are outnumbered. 3 women to 1.

There's a great saying I like that says "if you wan't someone to notice what you do, stop doing it." or something to that effect.

In essence, if you do all these things for her and them, and they won't even bother asking you how your day was, then spend more time for yourself. Forgo the whole driving her anywhere and make her take public transportation, or have her friends come over and pick her up! Or take control of the conversation at dinner by starting off something you are interested in and diverting those convos about who is a slut and who is an a-hole...after all, are those really convos to be having at the dinner table?