Considering testing the boundaries of the friend zone

[subucni]

So the situation is that I have an extremely close friend, who in the past year I have come to appreciate and care about even more. We met over six years ago back in college and are both entering our mid twenties.

I've been asked a number of times before by people if we were dating, and been asked "why not" when I reply no. It's happened when we have been together too and we have both just laughed it off. But recently I've wondered if these people are on to something.

Neither of us have had much in the way of serious relationships in the past couple years, just one bf or gf each. I've dated and enjoyed being single a fair amount recently, just haven't found anything worth pursuing long term.

I've said to friends before that I'd love to meet a girl like her and her other friends whom I have become close to. For now, I'm just going to keep this as a thought. I've got a few other options I'm curious about exploring, and I've never really sensed any sexual tension from her. In fact, aside from the frequent hanging out, I've seem none of the usual signs that clue me in that a girl is in to me. This is one area that I feel I'm getting pretty good at. She's talked about setting me up with friends of hers anyway. Maybe we are just destined to be really close friends, something I will still be quite happy with. This is the last female-friend relationship, or just a friend relationship period, I would ever want to screw up. Just in that case, hopefully she does have a few more friends for me to meet...

[Juan.Camaney]

Too many mixed signals. If other people wonder if you are together, they can pretty much tell by the way she carries herself around you and the way she looks at you. You can tell a lot by the way someone looks at you. If she is trying to hook you up with friends, it could be a test, it could be she thinks of you as a friend. If you don't notice sexual tension, that is fine....men are often very clueless sometimes.

My advice? Go for it. If it happens, you get a cool girl you were friends with before you were romantically involved. If it doesn't and you are grown up enough about it, you can pretend it didn't happen. However if you aren't and the friendship messes up, think of it this way...you are in your mid 20's plenty of time to make more friends.

[CD]

Juan is right. I had a friend of mine that was best friend with a female coworker of his. Never any sort of relationship between them, but he started getting those feelings towards her. He told her, and she freaked and said they can't be friends anymore. And guess what? He said it feels a lot better now because he now has time to stay in touch with friends and meet new people that he actually COULD date. I personally think she was using him a little in the friendship, but now he seems to be in a much better mood without her.

Of course, on the flip side, if you two do end up dating, you know for a fact that getting along wouldn't be an issue. I'd say tell her what's up...

[kulotsalot]

I've had one friend try to jump that ladder. He's a good friend but not one of those that you're really, really close to and know the intimate details of your life... but I'd still say I wouldn't want to lose him as a friend. I just told him straight up that I don't see him in that way, we will always be buddies but that's as far as it'll go. Handled it really well and we are still friends to this day. It might be because (a) we weren't suuuuuuper close to begin with, and (b) he did this testing the waters thing while he was in a different city so over IM, but whatever it was, we were both adult enough to continue being friends.

That being said, it could blow up in your face. So I guess the big question is, what matters more to you? Gaining a potentially awesome relationship, or losing an I-already-know-it's-awesome friendship?

Other things to consider: The setting you up thing could be a test as Juan said, she could be waiting for YOU to make the first move (you know, traditional gender roles and all, guys are supposed to pursue etc.), and she could be having the same thoughts running through her head but since no one wants to rock the boat, nothing is happening.

Personally I would say go for it, but that's partly because of my gender bias. :) I think if you have a good enough friendship (and maturity levels are up there), it can and will survive "the talk" even if you both decide to just remain friends. The question is, can you remain friendly if she says thanks but no thanks?

[Manning1985]

I had similar situation, I ended up marrying the girl. We're best friends and incrediably happy, so it does work out, just decide if its worth the risk of loss.

[Rapist Wit]

You could let her set you up with one or two of her friends and see if she gets jealous. If you do, be sure you do not have sex with whoever she sets you up with for a bit. If she is testing you or if she becomes jealous, sleeping with her friend (even though she set you up) could ruin any chance you have of getting with her forever. Women ALWAYS talk and tell and give details. So, expect your good friend to find out everything about your performance, style, technique, etc. if you sleep with her friends she sets you up with.

If on the other hand you don't want to be set up by her, then by all means go for it. Just keep it loose, remember it's all about her, and make her feel special. Made the mistake myself a few years ago of not "going for it" with a very good female friend, even with some signals that gave me the go-ahead. I have thought of it at times, and each time, I regret my mistake. Life is short, grab it while you can.

[pullover]

Don't do it when you are both drunk

[subucni]

So it's been three months...

And nothing's been resolved in my mind. I've been with two other girls in meantime, and neither piqued my interest. I'm still very afraid I'm falling for this friend of mine. We're hanging out on an even more regular basis. Had a close mutual friend tonight ask if we were seeing each other (granted he just knew that we'd been hanging out a lot, and we showed up and left a party this weekend together). I think one or two of my roommates have picked up on my potential feelings.

It all seems so fucking cheesy to me. I simply feel I have too much to lose if I go for it and it's not there. Among other friends, we're both part of a smaller, extremely intimate group of friends, and I feel that the dynamic of the group would be totally ruined if something bad happened. I wish I had some sort of a sign, but this is not the kind of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.

The ONLY potential thing I have picked up are a few random comments like "this is why i love you" or "i like us". But, given the contexts that they are in (usually from joking around or short conversations), I am not putting much stock in them.

I need to just get out of my head and just roll with it and let whatever is/isn't going to happen, happen.

[weasel_ugs]

Sometimes jokes have some basis on truth,maybe shes afraid also for the same reasons you are?

[CD]

Sometimes jokes have some basis on truth,maybe shes afraid also for the same reasons you are?

Nope. For all intents and purposes, I am in a slightly similar situation with a very good female friend. She also says "this is why I love you", but there is ZERO truth to the underlying feelings. We just make each other laugh, and the love is in being a good friend. We both have our quirks and she couldn't deal with mine any more then I could deal with hers.

Back to the original poster, I would say go for it. Tell her how you feel, because in life you mainly regret the things you didn't do or say. Besides, if it does end the friendship, it's easier to find the perfect girl when you aren't spending all of your time with a girl that nothing will ever happen with.

[Anibal]

I hope i can get what i want to say clear.

Men and women are not meant to be that close, unless they are in a relationship or something is going on between them. Im not saying men and women cant be friends, im saying that they are not meant to be THAT CLOSE of friends.

Heres what happen to me, at the beggining of this year i met this amazing girl. Real cool, funny and a blast to be around. We were friends and i never felt atracted to her that much (im a guy... ill always feel at least a little atracted to an attractive woman). I thought that i was wrong and that a real close friendship with a girl could happen.

I get your point, its fun to walk in some place with a pretty girl and have people say: you look so good together. And you both just laugh because you know that there is nothing going on and it is actually funny how they make the mistake. Its like when you are with a good friend and someone asks are you brothers ? Not your brother but you care for a great friend the same friend as you do for a brother.

I never saw her as a GF or anything, nor she did se me like a BF (i think). On my birthday we were both hammered, it was me her and 3 other friends left. Not enough place for everybody to sleep comfortably so she slept in my bed. The obvious happened, this was a little over a week ago so i cant tell you what will happen (we wont be in a relationship thats for sure, but idk if we will remain good friends), she was at a party yesterday with some douchebag (today is holyday here so no work or classes) i talked to her for like a minute and that was it, spoke to her once over the week and that was about a school related issue. I never expected things with her to be so weird but they are.

My point with this whole thing is that, something will happen between you too at some point or another, its just phisics or whatever, there will be a moment where you both need it. Might as well take your chances while you are on top of your game and with your mind clear.

Go for it and good luck.

[Juan.Camaney]

Just to toss in some what ifs for shiggles, check this shit out.

I've been seeing a girl now for almost 2 months. Typical first few weeks together, everything is sooo beautiful, the sex is fuckin mind blowing, we have had arguments since we butt heads a lot, but nothing relationship ending. We're compatible and it seems to really work. Here's the weird part: She was my best friend (and still is). For a LONG time before this, she would hold my hand, tell me she loves me, but always call me buddy and send texts like "you are such a good friend." I mean, I was with other girls and her and I still spoke for hours daily on the phone. I saw her go through boyfriends and most of them having been assholes and just listen to her vent about her parents. Once, she tried kissing me. That was the first year I've known her and I was with another girl at the time and I just backed off a bit. We didn't let it ruin our friendship. I never really had the balls to tell her I felt the same way. A few times we stopped talking completely because we spoke about each other so much it made her boyfriends mad and my gf's got kicked to the curb for not minding their own business. Everyone always wondered if we had messed around even a little bit and we just kept everyone in the dark. I tried kissing her once at my grad party and it didn't weird her out either.

Anyway, that being said, I wouldn't do this unless you are ready. Great risks give great rewards. This girl I'm with now...I knew taking it to the next level was a gamble, but I read her signals loud and clear and knew what she wanted...security. Not financial or anything like that, just to be with a guy who made her laugh and never judged her or mistreated her just as a random piece of ass. There is only one major thing holding me back, but it has nothing to do with her...just remnants of something in my heart that never was.

You have to really do your homework and be ready to lose this girl forever if you take the initiative. How she reacts has nothing to do with you.

[cestmoi2010]

My $.02

You don't say how old you are - or her but my guess is mid-to-late 20s, maybe early 30s but my guess is 20-something

Regardless - you gotta GO FOR IT!

If you don't do anything how will you feel if one day she comes to you and says she is engaged and you meet the guy and (in your mind) he is a jerk and not as good as you would have been?

How will you feel 50+ years from now when you are sitting around an empty house wondering "What if..........."

I had something like this happen to me in 1993 and here it is some 16-ish years later and that experience still haunts me to this day. It did change my life forever in that I figured NOT asking her out is the same answer I would get by asking her out and her saying "No."

If you are going to "strike out" at least do so "swinging" and not "looking".

If you have been friends for some time - it will be VERY hard to do but you must do it and just see what happens. I would pick a time soon and have it be justt he 2 of you. I would make sure BOTH of you are 100% sober and haven't had one drop of alcohol - this way neither of you will can claim to be impaired in any way.

I would hold both of her hands - look her dead in the eye and tell her how you feel about her. Tell her you like being her friend and enjoy being with her and you want to see what will happen if you try and become more than friends. Make sure she can see the passion in your eyes and how much you mean it. If she balks and you think she might say "No" - simply say something like this:

"I'm not asking you to marry me - I'm asking you to go on ONE date with me and see what happens. All I am asking is for you to give me a fair shot at it and what happens after that - who knows. I just want to walk into a restaurant and be the envy of every guy there because I am with the most beautiful woman in the place."

Hopefully it works - if not realize your "friendship" is over at its current statsu but that isn't so bad.

Good luck - make sure and let us know how it works out - one way or another

[rbniven]

I can hear where you're coming from subucni. I've been on both sides of this fence actually. More than once in my life I've been deep into the friend zone and both times I developed feelings for these ladies. The first time I got shot down but we stayed good friends. The second time it worked, we dated for close to a year then because we were headed different places in life, we split. We're decent friends now but she's changed a lot so we don't talk as often. Anyways, I said all that to say this.

Go for it. I understand how nervous you are. The thing is though that once you get to our age, I'm in my mid-twenties also, girls begin to act more like women. I highly doubt this girls is as close to you as you claim and still totally platonic. Women don't work that way. Simply you two being that close tells me you have a great chance.

Now obviously this isn't always the case and there's no guarantee it'll work out or last forever but if you two really are as close as you say I'm sure she's at least been curious and would give you at least one date. Take cestmoi's advice and just tell this girl straight up that you wanna try for something more than a friendship.

Bottomline, if you two are both in your twenties and relatively mature I'm sure being as close as you are means something to her too. I understand you're scared but I think things are really leaning in your favor on this. GO FOR IT!