Can I do this?

[Bigeme]

So long story short, I am very interested in a girl who very recently got engaged. I know that she is interested in me as well. We go to graduate school together and have gotten pretty close over the last 2 or 3 months. She got engaged about a week and a half ago to a guy that lives half way across the country. I don't know anything about him, but I do know this girl doesn't seem very happy about it. Not that she is unhappy, but just not really the way I would imagine most people are when they get engaged.

My question is basically can I say something to her along the lines of: you don't seem satisfied with your relationship, you wouldn't act the way you do if you were happy in it, are you sure you are in this for the right reasons not just scared of being alone in a new city or hurting his feelings, etc. and still be able to pursue her? I don't know if I could actively try to end her relationship and still be happy if we ended up together. Is that unreasonable of me? I kind of feel like doing that is a complete dick move, basically tempting her to cheat. I know that if she were to cheat on him with me, I wouldn't be interested and then I would have potentially ruined their relationship.

I'm not fixated on her and I am looking elsewhere for girls, but the more options I have the better. I do really like her as a person and if I don't get anything from her, I'm okay just being her friend. In that regard I think that I should say something because I don't think anyone should get married at 23 anyway.

[Juan.Camaney]

Can you do it? Sure. Will you catch an ass whooping for it, maybe?

Its really up to you, big. Humans always seem to want what we can't have.

I wouldn't do it. Reason being, if she is able to leave someone for you, who's to say she won't leave you for someone else once she is gone.

Also, it is possible to remain friends with her...would you be willing to?

[kulotsalot]

Well, fixated or not, you are into her enough so that you'll make a thread about her here. :rolleyes:

You are interested in her, you want to break up her engagement to random dude JUST because you want to save her from an early marriage that will surely be doomed because really, why isn't she jumping for joy? Breaking the engagement with words is ok, but breaking it up with sex is not. So basically you want to tell her to break up with this guy so you can have sex with her with a clean conscience. WHAT?!

You want to try to dissuade her from getting married just so you have "more options" for girls? Again... WHAT?!

Yeah. That's my question to you.

WHAT


... the fuck are you thinking?

[Bigeme]

I don't think I really made myself as clear on a few things as I should have. I thought she had a boyfriend early on and pretty much kept my distance to try and avoid this whole situation. She acted like she didn't and kind of hinted to me that she didn't (and I like a dumbass didn't get a straight answer). Anyway, my question was basically about being able to date someone who you met when they were priorly engaged.

Kulots, you are exactly right. I don't really appreciate the tone, but you are right. I am not a cheater and never will be, but as far as I am concerned she has already cheated on her boyfriend at the very least emotionally. I would not be very happy if I knew my girlfriend was touching another guy the way she has touched me. That's the reason that I am posting here. I am not comfortable with the idea of taking part in someone else's cheating. So you are right. I want her to end her relationship because it will make my conscience clean about a violation that I feel has already occurred and in which I took part. If she is holding onto this relationship because she's afraid to move on in life, I can deal with it a lot better.

I do like her as a friend. I started out under the assumption that we would never be anything other than friends. I never made any kind of move. I got under the impression she was single for a couple of weeks and was more aggressive at which point she told me she had a boyfriend and then got engaged the next weekend. I met the guy briefly and she acted differently around me, but this weekend we were at a party and it was right back to the way things were before she was engaged (2 weekends ago).

So, basically I need reassurance that I'm fucked either way. That I can never have a healthy relationship with this girl, even if she were to end this relationship without me saying or doing anything.

You want to try to dissuade her from getting married just so you have "more options" for girls? Again... WHAT?!

Half the stuff I read on here is: "Stop obsessing and move on." I was trying to dissuade this kind of advice. Apparently it didn't work.

[siopawman]

girls have their own sentiments. whether you say it to her or not is up to her to decide on that matter.

the only thing that she would note about you is how you perceive things. she'll note this and make it as her reference in the future (ah... you told me about "this and this" when i was about to get married, maybe... you'll say this and this when "another this and that" comes)

if you really believe that what you want to tell her matters, then do it. do it for the sake of doing it. just tell her. if you get her pissed, then its gonna happen.

but believe me, she has taught about getting married to that guy a thousand times. that's why she agreed on getting married. what you would say to her, i think (i might be wrong) wouldn't matter.

so, just tell her, and it won't be bothering your head.

GOODLUCK!

[Juan.Camaney]

I don't think I really made myself as clear on a few things as I should have. I thought she had a boyfriend early on and pretty much kept my distance to try and avoid this whole situation. She acted like she didn't and kind of hinted to me that she didn't (and I like a dumbass didn't get a straight answer). Anyway, my question was basically about being able to date someone who you met when they were priorly engaged.

Kulots, you are exactly right. I don't really appreciate the tone, but you are right. I am not a cheater and never will be, but as far as I am concerned she has already cheated on her boyfriend at the very least emotionally. I would not be very happy if I knew my girlfriend was touching another guy the way she has touched me. That's the reason that I am posting here. I am not comfortable with the idea of taking part in someone else's cheating. So you are right. I want her to end her relationship because it will make my conscience clean about a violation that I feel has already occurred and in which I took part. If she is holding onto this relationship because she's afraid to move on in life, I can deal with it a lot better.

I do like her as a friend. I started out under the assumption that we would never be anything other than friends. I never made any kind of move. I got under the impression she was single for a couple of weeks and was more aggressive at which point she told me she had a boyfriend and then got engaged the next weekend. I met the guy briefly and she acted differently around me, but this weekend we were at a party and it was right back to the way things were before she was engaged (2 weekends ago).

So, basically I need reassurance that I'm fucked either way. That I can never have a healthy relationship with this girl, even if she were to end this relationship without me saying or doing anything.



Half the stuff I read on here is: "Stop obsessing and move on." I was trying to dissuade this kind of advice. Apparently it didn't work.

what?! you mean women play head tricks?! NO WAY!

You want to know why half the stuff on here says stop obsessing and move on? Because the only people who go to forums for actual advice are usually people that need convincing that the bad decissions they are about to make are actually good. Which they aren't.

I like how you say that you don't want to be part of the cheating and try to convince yourself that she was already cheating at the same time by the way she touched you and by her emotions.


You know, big, from the few threads I've read in here from you....the breaking up with the girl with a kid and it kicking your ass, the other one where you didn't want to actually go out and do stuff to meet girls, and now this one, hitting on an already engaged girl because she sent you mixed signals (btw its called shameless flirting), I kind of gather that you are pretty lazy at meeting approachable women. Also kind of gather you have a little bit of the damzel in distress and your willingness to rescue her. You have to snap out of it a bit, guy.

[Bigeme]

You know, big, from the few threads I've read in here from you....the breaking up with the girl with a kid and it kicking your ass, the other one where you didn't want to actually go out and do stuff to meet girls, and now this one, hitting on an already engaged girl because she sent you mixed signals (btw its called shameless flirting), I kind of gather that you are pretty lazy at meeting approachable women. Also kind of gather you have a little bit of the damzel in distress and your willingness to rescue her. You have to snap out of it a bit, guy.

I do want to go out and do stuff to meet women, but I am a graduate student in chemistry and work 90+ hours a week. I don't have a ton of time to do things. I made that post when I first moved here because I wanted some ideas of ways to meet women besides in bars, which is not something I am interested in.

I didn't intentionally get into this situation and as a rule, I don't get close to girls that are dating so to avoid this. I should have straight up asked her early on. Lesson learned.

I definitely do have a problem with damsels in distress. It was a big problem in my last relationship and I work hard to try and not get involved with unstable people, but it is becoming more and more apparent to me that everyone is at least somewhat fucked up. I'm trying to figure out how to meet the ones who are least messed up and convince myself that I would be happier not taking care of them all the time.

Anyway, the point is I work with this girl, we have the same friends and it will basically be impossible for me to stop seeing her. Sitting in my lap running your hands through my hair is a little bit more intimate than shameless flirting in my opinion. So should I tell her to stop or just be completely non-receptive and avoid her the best that I can?

[BackdoorJesus]

Personally I'd say fuck the shit out of her & don't worry about her other relationship because that's not your concern.

If you take that course however, give up the idea of any kind of "relationship" with her beyond said fucking.

However, inasmuch as you're still in school, you shouldn't be caring about an LTR with anyone anyway - I have said this before and I'm sure I will say it many more times - college is the time to get your rocks off with as many willing college women as humanly possible before you graduate, start a career, family etc and if you make someone break off an engagement with a long distance relationship then IMO you're doing her a favor because SHE'S too young for an LTR too!

Pump & dump, or keep her in the bullpen for booty calls, but abandon the thought of an LTR with a girl that cheats.

[Juan.Camaney]

I didn't intentionally get into this situation and as a rule, I don't get close to girls that are dating so to avoid this. I should have straight up asked her early on. Lesson learned.
No one is saying you did, shit always just happens.

I definitely do have a problem with damsels in distress. It was a big problem in my last relationship and I work hard to try and not get involved with unstable people, but it is becoming more and more apparent to me that everyone is at least somewhat fucked up. I'm trying to figure out how to meet the ones who are least messed up and convince myself that I would be happier not taking care of them all the time.
Glad you realized that everyone has their problems. Keep it in mind and just try to solve your own.

Anyway, the point is I work with this girl, we have the same friends and it will basically be impossible for me to stop seeing her. Sitting in my lap running your hands through my hair is a little bit more intimate than shameless flirting in my opinion. So should I tell her to stop or just be completely non-receptive and avoid her the best that I can?
lol thats NOTHING! Seriously, I think this is your first encounter with a tease. Some chicks LOVE doing that. I had girls hold my hand while just walking around, kissing me on the mouth just to say hello and slipping me the tongue "by accident", girls grabbing my ass, text messages involving very sexually explicit things, sending me tittay shots, cooter shots, and they all have boyfriends or husbands....it is what it is bigamy ;) If its bothering you that much, yah, ask her to stop.

Personaly:


Personally I'd say fuck the shit out of her & don't worry about her other relationship because that's not your concern.
:juan: GIGGITY!

[Bigeme]

Personally I'd say fuck the shit out of her & don't worry about her other relationship because that's not your concern.

You know I really wish I could be that guy. My friends in undergrad all used to make fun of me cause I could go out and have girls all ready to go, but be unable to seal the deal. I'm not a one night stand kind of guy and I definitely don't think I could fuck her while she was still in a relationship. I almost did with a girl one time, but she told me she had a boyfriend as the panties came off and I just kind of lost interest. I ended up talking to her for a while about her relationship that night which was pretty much the exact opposite of what I wanted to be doing.

But like you said, I've got issues. I feel like I can and need to fix everything in the people around me. Maybe I should just force myself to try and fuck her.

[Juan.Camaney]

Dude, get used to being fucked over by girls then. Also, get used to a life of sexual frustration. Pray you will end up with someone like you...how you will ever find her is beyond me. You don't go out, you don't like one night stands, you don't have time to court women, you can't seal the deal....wow.

[siopawman]

Maybe I should just force myself to try and fuck her.

its still up to her if she'll go out and make-out. you seem to be thinking too much about the things that "would" happen. just tell her what you want to tell her, and from there... observe how she reacts to the issue. AND IF YOU COULD INCLUDE SEX into the whole picture, then you're up to a start.

DO NOT DELIBERATELY PUSH THE "I WANT TO FUCK YOU" ISSUE, she'll notice it even before you deliver it. and most of the time, its a turn-off for women. UNLESS... she's leading you in the first place, which I think is not the case...

[Bigeme]

Dude, get used to being fucked over by girls then. Also, get used to a life of sexual frustration.

Been there, done that. I don't see how fucking around is going to make me happy.

Pray you will end up with someone like you...how you will ever find her is beyond me.

That's what I am hoping for, that is what most of my posts are about. I won't compromise myself into an unhappy relationship. I come here and I ask questions and the responses I get are mostly along the lines of:

You don't go out, you don't like one night stands, you don't have time to court women, you can't seal the deal....wow.

which doesn't help me at all. I do go out. I have talked to hundreds of women at bars. I'm not afraid to approach them and I think that I'm at least fairly attractive, so its not really ever been a problem for me to meet people there, but I'm not going to meet the type of woman I am interested in there. I have had one night stands - it makes me feel empty and not sexually gratified. Can't seal the deal because I lose interest once I believe that they are interested enough. Courting women is not the difficult part - it's meeting them and, again, none of the advice I've gotten here helps with that. Go out and fuck some random is not advice to meet quality women.

I've said it before I wish I wasn't this way, but I am. I ask how to not care and the only response I ever get is sucks to be you or just go do it.

siopawman: I'm not going to force any issues. I'm not going to do anything.

[kulotsalot]

The "quality women" are probably at random bars wondering why the eff they keep getting hit on by douchebags and not prince charmings, too. :tongue:

Maybe I should start a "quality dating material meeting place" pub. But with a nicer name.

[Juan.Camaney]

Been there, done that. I don't see how fucking around is going to make me happy.
:hay:

That's what I am hoping for, that is what most of my posts are about. I won't compromise myself into an unhappy relationship. I come here and I ask questions and the responses I get are mostly along the lines of:



which doesn't help me at all. I do go out. I have talked to hundreds of women at bars. I'm not afraid to approach them and I think that I'm at least fairly attractive, so its not really ever been a problem for me to meet people there, but I'm not going to meet the type of woman I am interested in there. I have had one night stands - it makes me feel empty and not sexually gratified. Can't seal the deal because I lose interest once I believe that they are interested enough. Courting women is not the difficult part - it's meeting them and, again, none of the advice I've gotten here helps with that. Go out and fuck some random is not advice to meet quality women.

I've said it before I wish I wasn't this way, but I am. I ask how to not care and the only response I ever get is sucks to be you or just go do it.

Dude, have you ever heard the term "weed through women" has nothing to do with drugs, you just have to weed out the bad ones and yes, good women DO hang out in bars.

And what the hell kind of advice do you want? You have a problem meeting girls and need help with that, not the courting thing....okay, not sure what the hell to tell you besides, dude, you are in college. Plenty of decent chicks there.

[ryster]

I won't compromise myself into an unhappy relationship.

A note: if you think you're going to meet perfect-match girl and have a totally happy relationship you are going to end up extremely disappointed and alone. Any relationship has problems and sooner or later one or both of the people in it are going to start wondering whether or not it's meant to be. And it just comes down to whether or not you (your partner) are willing to keep on trying or just say fuck it and move on.

which doesn't help me at all. I do go out. I have talked to hundreds of women at bars. I'm not afraid to approach them and I think that I'm at least fairly attractive, so its not really ever been a problem for me to meet people there, but I'm not going to meet the type of woman I am interested in there.

So what makes you any different than them? Don't assume they are lousy people just because they are hanging in a bar. If you don't have friends you chill with, don't enjoy any nightlife, then your only hope to meet girls is like, school, work, and chance. General consensus is not to date coworkers..good luck pal...