Next move...

[ryster]

Without going into excessive detail, lets say I started work at a new place about a month ago, and met this girl. I would've liked to have a legitimate relationship. However, things between us are pretty fucked up right now, and thats why I'm coming here, to see if anyone has experience or advice for me.

Here's the story, if you don't mind the read..

I had talked to her at work a bit, nothing serious, just friendly and meaningless stuff. I was basically trying to gauge her interest in me. She was always really friendly and seemed to enjoy being around me. About a week later she mentioned a new years party and said she was going, basically setting me up to say I wanted to go and chill with her. Anyhow, we end up going to this party, drinking a bit, then going to her friends condo with a few other people. Two of us got even more drunk, and of course, did the nasty.

Next day I called her up and told her I understood if she didn't want that to mean anything, but personally would like to keep going. She invited me over to her house, saying 'lets hang out and just see where it goes,' and we hooked up again, sober. We both have pretty busy schedules, but for the next two weeks we hung out and hooked up intermittently.

Here is where things went south. This past Thursday I tried to talk to her about officially dating, she said that she had just gotten out of a really bad relationship (though she told me absolutely nothing about it, which makes me wonder whether or not that was the truth) and wasn't ready for a boyfriend. Thursday afternoon she came over to my house, made out with me for about five minutes, then got up and pretty much ran out. I was pretty confused and upset, because I hadn't done anything to trigger that kind of response. So I ended up drinking. And I pretty much stayed drunk from Thursday afternoon to Saturday morning (I mean, my friend had his 21st birthday on Friday night, so it wasn't entirely a 'drinking my sorrows away' deal, though that was definitely how it started and ended).

Over the course of those days I drunk-texted her pretty regularly, and asked her why she does stuff to like that to me (hooks up with me and then ditches me and acts like she doesn't want to be with me). She said it was because she doesn't know what she wants. I have a hard time understanding that, I don't see how you can not know what the fuck you want, and I tend to think it meant she was embarrassed or afraid to admit what she did want (but am pretty clueless as to what it is). Finally, after I had gone into a drunken rage and told her about all the problems in my life and why the way she was treating me really killed me, she told me she thought it was best if we stopped seeing each other.

Acceptable solution I suppose, except that we work in close proximity on a regular basis, and of course the fact that I still really like her. The next day of work was probably one of the most awkward and upsetting 8 hours I have been through in a while. So I asked her if she would come talk to me face to face after work, and of course I would be sober. She agreed. We talked for about half an hour in my car, and she told me that hooking up with me at the party was a mistake and that the best thing is if we are just friends.

-The End

Okay, so here's where I'm at now: We act like everything is cool between us, but I think both of us know it's pretend. I am not sure if she really doesn't like me, really likes me but doesn't want to commit, or just wants to keep playing me for my cock. I know that I still like her, and want to try and salvage this relationship. The biggest help would be if someone who has been in a situation like hers could help me figure out what she feels and what she's looking for. I don't want to be the loser guy who won't leave some poor girl alone - I'm not going to bother her if she wants nothing to do with me. But on the flip side, I know I'm a very attractive person both physically and mentally, I'm in great shape, good looking, have strong morals, and understand that respect, courtesy and honesty are extremely important. In other words, I would make a good boyfriend, if she would give me a chance.

The smartest thing is probably to just go our separate ways, but I am not over her yet, and until I am, obviously that won't happen. This whole thing is going to kill me unless I can get to a point where we really are friends. I am not worried about getting stuck in 'the friend zone', I don't really think that something like that even exists. But after all that has happened, I don't know how to interact with her. I don't know where the line is between appropriate for friends and appropriate for talking/dating. Should I still shoot the breeze with her at work and every now and then? Should I invite her to come hang out (not like alone, like grab lunch with her friends or something)? Should I invite her to parties and 'get-togethers'? Is this chick, who in person seems like a nice girl, just a slut in disguise? If fixing things with this girl is the goal, what is my next move?

[BackdoorJesus]

Sounds to me like the girl was rebounding with you, so I wouldn't make too much of this at least from her.

You drunk-texting her probably only exacerbated the situation, and may well have reminded her about all the hassles of being in a relationship - like the one she apparently just got out of.

Third BIG strike is that this is a chick at your work...that is like dating no-no #1 in my book. No shit it was an awkward eight hours - that's why you DON'T fuck coworkers dude.

In the end I can't say I can see much of a future here for the two of you romantically. She seems to want a rebound roll in the hay to forget about her ex (I don't agree with the "slut in disguise" label); you seem to want something more long term. Your respective needs are not in sync, and she has told you as much.

In the end bro, your next move should just be to back off & do other things with other girls/friends. When she's ready, if she feels a thing with you will work she will send you some signals...up to now the signals she's been sending (as well as her direct statements) are telling you to take a step back.

Oh and seriously man if you're as young as your profile says, you don't need any "girlfriend" shit in your life right now period. Finish your education, build your career, and fuck as much fine young poontang as you can while you're at it, but for god's sake don't get locked into a "relationship" until you have that other shit dialed in & you have your life on the right track.

[ryster]

Yea, you're right. It helps just to see it from someone else, ya know?

I guess I just feel bad about it all, normally my relationships don't end this way. I'm not so much bothered by the fact that it is did end, rather, how it ended. And that's what I'm confused about. If I back up and just leave her be, then things will still not be right, it will just be like, out of sight, out of mind. I am cool with not having a romantic relationship with her, but it's gonna bother me for a long time if I can't get to a point where we are cool with each other. I suppose it's just FUBAR and I just learn a lesson and move on.

I appreciate the insight. I tried to rep, told me to spread it around, HAH.

Cheers though.

[CD]

The first thing I saw was that you drunk texted her. Bad mistake. You texted her regularly when you should have been enjoying your fun weekend. She knows you were practically obsessed about her while you should be having fun with your friends. She's probably thinking stalking, and after a bad relationship, that is the last thing she wants (doesn't matter if you would or not, she got that impression).

Do not ever make a girl feel like a slut. I repeat... DO NOT EVER MAKE A GIRL FEEL LIKE A SLUT... which you did. Of course she doesn't know what she wants, and maybe after you two hooked up a few times she realized that you were not what she wants. Time to grab your balls and move on if you ask me.

And yes, BDJ almost always offers up good advice. He once again said some stuff you should read and learn from.

[ryster]

Thanks for the continued responses.

I don't understand how I made her feel like a slut. I mean, is the fact that I wanted a more committed relationship all it took? That seems a little illogical, but I suppose feelings aren't always logical..but is that it? I want to understand how I made her feel that way, I'm not just trying to give you guys a hard time.

Yeah the drunk texting thing was pretty bad. I was upset about how she left so abruptly, and fixing that was pretty much the only thing on my mind. Of course my mind was tanked so I made things worse. I think I'm just going to leave her alone and try and keep things from getting too awkward at work, like, smile and wave but don't stop to talk.

So I leave her be and move on, what happens in a month? Like, I'm not talking about remaking a relationship, I'm just saying, is this chick always gonna think I'm a super-attached ass clown with a drinking problem, or do you think with a bit of time she will accept my apology and let bygones be bygones? And, is there a way I can facilitate that?

Again, with the last question, I'm not looking for a second chance at talking or dating. I just feel bad about what I've done, and want to fix that so she doesn't always look at me the way she does now.

[fmb]

First, you're young and the young women are waiting on you. Don't get tied down with a relationship. Hell, as you've just experienced, there are some wonderful women you can get to know and share some bed time with.

Having said that, I think you're having some difficulty with the idea your previous relationships have never ended this way. How about this: don't worry about the ending. If you leave her alone and let her get over the previous relationship, maybe something will be there. If not, you may have found a great woman to invite to some events and have casual sex with. You may have just walked into a situation that has the potential to teach you alot about woman, having any type of relationship with a women (serious, casual sex, friends only, etc), and to learn how a woman may react when she's stressed.

Have patience. Let her know you're in the background (but still have a life and are dating another). Don't push. Chat.

Chill. Just be you.

[ryster]

That advice is the most optimistic I have heard. It is good to hear but I am not going to get my hopes up about anything. That will just make it hurt more when she does what is most likely, continue to not be interested in me. And it doesn't solve the current problem at hand, getting her to forget what just happened. I wish I could just go back to Thursday, and not drink. And instead just tell her that I understand she doesn't know what she wants, hope I fit in some way, but am cool with not having anything serious.

I am friends with one of her friends. I think I might go talk to her friend, and tell her that I didn't mean to imply she is a slut, I don't want her to think I'm still trying to get her to date me, and I just want to move on and pretend all this bullshit never happened. I think I'll also tell her friend that the reason I am not talking directly to her is because I want to make sure it's clear that my only intention is to repair the damage.

[ryster]

???Random update???

I got a unexpected and generic text from her tonight, I said whats up and asked her how work was, then apologized if she had felt I was trying to call her a slut. She said she did but now understood I wasn't trying to say that. We texted for about 15 minutes about some random crap like the super ball and shit.

At least, I think this means that she, like me, doesn't want things to stay awkward and uncomfortable. Hopefully she wants to go one step further and actually be friends with me. I guess I'll just see what happens tomorrow. We don't work the same shifts during the week so maybe that time apart will help things cool down.

Would you all agree that I should get talking to some other girls, get past the loss and keep my head out of the sand, but be receptive to her in hopes of building a friendship?

I'd like to keep this unlocked so I can post about any changes or future problems with this girl. I am feeling a bit better, but at the same time I'm hesitant and confused, she's sort of in control right now..

[kulotsalot]

Let me break it down for you!

Your version:

1. Start new job, meet cool chick
2. Start hanging out/talking
3. Drunken hook up
4. Sober hook ups
5. "The Talk" where you say "it's cool if you want to keep it casual but I would really prefer to officially date you"
6. Honestly, I really don't see why ANYONE would want to have sex with me but not date me. I mean, I'm pretty attractive mentally and physically. So even though she says that she doesn't want a bf, I think she really does but just doesn't know it yet.
7. Why didn't this make out session end up in declarations of undying love? Wait... did she just walk out on me?!
8. Huh. Guess she was actually serious about that "no dating" thing.
9. OMG that chick totally used me for sex!
10. Drunk texting extravaganza.
11. This chick clearly doesn't know what she wants.
12. Oh, great, now she doesn't want to see me anymore! So no dating AND no sex!

Her version:

1. Hey there's this cool guy at work who seems to be into me! Maybe I should test the waters by inviting him to a party.
2. Drunken hook up after said party. That was fun!
3. Sober hook ups. Hey, this is actually pretty easy!
4. "The Talk." Oh no, he's getting attached. Why can't relationships just be simple and uncomplicated?
5. I can't do this relationship thing AGAIN. Although he totally thinks I'm lying about my ex because "I never mentioned him." Like I'm supposed to tell him every single detail about my life before I met him?
6. Make out session. OH GOD HE'S JUST GONNA GET MORE ATTACHED. I better GTFO!
7. Great. Drunken text messages. This is EXACTLY why I don't want or need a bf right now. They always complicate things.
8. Oh, wow, now he thinks that I don't know what I want. Didn't I tell him that I wasn't ready for a bf a few days ago? I thought he understood that when I said that but he kept coming over anyway, he was basically agreeing to just hook up with no strings attached. I guess not!
9. Hmm, the way I am treating him is "killing him," as if I were obligated to treat him any better than a FWB. I don't need this drama in my life. I think we should just remain "friends."

Conclusion:

She clearly stated that she didn't want a BF, you were just too stubborn to believe it. So, really, your fault that it got this out of hand. You got attached even though she made it pretty clear that a relationship was not in the cards at the moment.

Don't fuck coworkers anymore, drunken fucking or not. Don't date them either.

I think you're fixated on this "trying to be friends with her" thing because you really, secretly hope that it will lead right back to a relationship. That ship has sailed, buddy, and you were not on it! Be friendly with each other as coworkers are supposed to be. But as far as being friends, I'd recommend staying away from that path considering how quickly you go from friendly to friends to attached to drunken text messaging. There are tons of other people that you can be friends with.

[ryster]

:runover:

Makes me feel like an asshole, probably a little bit more than I actually was. I think our interests were different from the get-go but we didn't really make a big deal about it till I got drunk and threw a self-pity party. Thats when the stupid shit started going down, of course coming from my end of the phone line.

But I think your perspective is probably one of the most justified here. So I definitely appreciate the insight and it will hold a lot of weight on whatever my next decision is.

Edited; one thing I do want to say is that I'm not interested in fixing our relationship because I have some secret hope to back with her. Sure, I'd go for that, but I don't see it happening and if she wants to start again, she will send me some signs. You gave me a pretty tough brake and I think your underestimating my character - I want to be friends with because I did her wrong and feel bad about it, and because I enjoyed her company and shooting the shit with her over lunch and hanging out at the mall or whatever. It's pretty damn easy for a guy my age to get laid, all I need is some beer and some girls. It's tough to meet someone meaningful though.

[CD]

Let me break it down for you!

Your version:

1. Start new job, meet cool chick
2. Start hanging out/talking
3. Drunken hook up
4. Sober hook ups
5. "The Talk" where you say "it's cool if you want to keep it casual but I would really prefer to officially date you"
6. Honestly, I really don't see why ANYONE would want to have sex with me but not date me. I mean, I'm pretty attractive mentally and physically. So even though she says that she doesn't want a bf, I think she really does but just doesn't know it yet.
7. Why didn't this make out session end up in declarations of undying love? Wait... did she just walk out on me?!
8. Huh. Guess she was actually serious about that "no dating" thing.
9. OMG that chick totally used me for sex!
10. Drunk texting extravaganza.
11. This chick clearly doesn't know what she wants.
12. Oh, great, now she doesn't want to see me anymore! So no dating AND no sex!

Her version:

1. Hey there's this cool guy at work who seems to be into me! Maybe I should test the waters by inviting him to a party.
2. Drunken hook up after said party. That was fun!
3. Sober hook ups. Hey, this is actually pretty easy!
4. "The Talk." Oh no, he's getting attached. Why can't relationships just be simple and uncomplicated?
5. I can't do this relationship thing AGAIN. Although he totally thinks I'm lying about my ex because "I never mentioned him." Like I'm supposed to tell him every single detail about my life before I met him?
6. Make out session. OH GOD HE'S JUST GONNA GET MORE ATTACHED. I better GTFO!
7. Great. Drunken text messages. This is EXACTLY why I don't want or need a bf right now. They always complicate things.
8. Oh, wow, now he thinks that I don't know what I want. Didn't I tell him that I wasn't ready for a bf a few days ago? I thought he understood that when I said that but he kept coming over anyway, he was basically agreeing to just hook up with no strings attached. I guess not!
9. Hmm, the way I am treating him is "killing him," as if I were obligated to treat him any better than a FWB. I don't need this drama in my life. I think we should just remain "friends."

Conclusion:

She clearly stated that she didn't want a BF, you were just too stubborn to believe it. So, really, your fault that it got this out of hand. You got attached even though she made it pretty clear that a relationship was not in the cards at the moment.

Don't fuck coworkers anymore, drunken fucking or not. Don't date them either.

I think you're fixated on this "trying to be friends with her" thing because you really, secretly hope that it will lead right back to a relationship. That ship has sailed, buddy, and you were not on it! Be friendly with each other as coworkers are supposed to be. But as far as being friends, I'd recommend staying away from that path considering how quickly you go from friendly to friends to attached to drunken text messaging. There are tons of other people that you can be friends with.
CDA post! Hey girl, after reading this response I need to tell you something... I think I love you. Will you have my babies and teach me how to put "eh" after every sentence?

:runover:
But I think your perspective is probably one of the most justified here. So I definitely appreciate the insight and it will hold a lot of weight on whatever my next decision is.
Silly ryster... Kulots just told you what your next decision is going to be! You should forget about her and don't even worry about being her friend. Be courteious because you are coworkers, but no more then any other coworker would get from you. If you find you treat her any differently then "Bob", then you are going to fuck up... again.

Oh, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do not talk to her friends about her. If you break this rule, Juan will come over to your residence, punch you in the face, and force feed you bad tacos. Basically, her friends don't want to get caught in between any sort of drama, and if you get them involved, you have shot yourself in the foot. Besides, you only talked to her friends so they will think you are ok, and hopefully talk her into giving you another chance. But they didn't... and they wont... EVER. Move on.

[kulotsalot]

Edited; one thing I do want to say is that I'm not interested in fixing our relationship because I have some secret hope to back with her. Sure, I'd go for that, but I don't see it happening and if she wants to start again, she will send me some signs. You gave me a pretty tough brake and I think your underestimating my character - I want to be friends with because I did her wrong and feel bad about it, and because I enjoyed her company and shooting the shit with her over lunch and hanging out at the mall or whatever. It's pretty damn easy for a guy my age to get laid, all I need is some beer and some girls. It's tough to meet someone meaningful though.

Um, when you do something wrong and feel bad about it, you apologize (hopefully you mean it) and then move on. You don't need to be a very good friend to her.

I'm also telling you to be friendly but not try to be friends because it took you such a short time to go from hanging out to hooking up to getting attached. And I think you're still attached... otherwise why would you be trying to save something "meaningful" when it is pretty clear that it was never meaningful to her? You were her hookup buddy, plain and simple. I don't think the word "meaningful" ever came into play for her, dude.

PS

CD - I've already got Juan on the "eh" program. For only $5 per month you can be on the "eh" program, too! :) You just need to spend some time talking to me on messenger, hehehe.

[CD]

CD - I've already got Juan on the "eh" program. For only $5 per month you can be on the "eh" program, too! :) You just need to spend some time talking to me on messenger, hehehe.
Oh well, cancel me for the "eh" program. But as far as the messenger goes, I have facebook messenger, but I don't know what else to use. Send me a suggestion and I'll work my magic on you, I mean see you on chat.

[Juan.Camaney]

Wow this topic got way more complicated than it needed to be.

She hooked up with you drunk, did it again sober, then you had to fuck it up by wanting a relationship. She told you she didn't know what she wanted, so you follow through by getting drunk and invading her privacy. Then, the absolute horrible mistake you made, you started telling her about how shitty your life is...oh yeah, way to impress her. To top it off you need to see this broad at work....yeah, that's why you don't shit where you eat.

[ryster]

Heh, well said. Okay, I think I've got this now. Not sure what to do if she continues to talk to me outside of work like she did last night, but I guess it doesn't really matter.

Thanks guys!

[Juan.Camaney]

Hey, its life, ryster dude. Why are you still talking to her about things other than work? More proof she has no clue what she wants. You are one rude remark away from a sexual harrasment suit. Best thing to do now is basically be as sterile as you can be. Discussions are to be work related only. Fucked up thing is, avoiding her might want her want you more.

Good luck unfucking this up.

[ryster]

Thanks man. I appreciate the advice. Repped everyone I could, told me for a few of ya to spread some around though.

[MaxZorin]

I always wanted to be used only for sex, i mean, a fun night, the a really good old fashion sex with happy ending and stuff and no regrets to the next morning, you know, waking up, leaving the room, with a small note on the night table (thanks, it was fun...see you) and guilty free. But no, all i got are chick who wants to spend the whole day watching movies and talking and asking about the inner me. FUCK!
Enjoy man, enjoy. And please as advise. If you have friends with 21 years old, i suppose you are like the same age, so please, but please man, quit on drinking. I mean you started drinking because a girl didn't call you? and the you started text her drunk again. You need two things, stop worrying too much and learn to manage disappointment and booze.
I hope you like my post.

[ryster]

I do appreciate it. Heh, plus rep to help ya out too...

I mean, drinking on the weekends is like, part of my life. Its how we unwind a lot of the time. I'm not an alcoholic..I keep my shit straight during the week with school and work, and then have fun on the weekends.