Serious thread. Ever been cheated on and worked through it?? [Archive]

Cerebrus73

02-01-2009, 02:56 AM

If so any types or anything? My wife of two years dropped this on me and after the initial wanting to kill her and the guy and then the uncontrollable sobbing and back to wanting to kill everything Im now at the point of do I want this anymore. It utterly disgusts me to be in the same room with her so I am here asking if anyone has been through it. I still love her very much but she has destroyed a part of me now that I dont know if I will ever have back.

If anyone has worked through it Im all ears. Actually anything right now would help me stay away from the gun closet and turning it on myself.

Greven359

02-01-2009, 06:00 AM

She's not worth it.

kulotsalot

02-01-2009, 06:34 AM

I probably wouldn't try to work it out with a cheater. IMO it is ALWAYS a choice and there are sooooooooo many checkpoints that you go through before you get to that point that if you end up cheating anyway, then you must've wanted it really badly and therefore why on earth should I stay with you?

I'm sure it's way harder to pull the plug, though, if you've got tons of history - years and years of marriage and maybe kids, property, mutual friends, etc etc. Sorry, man, can't help you out.

ryster

02-01-2009, 08:45 AM

Trust is one of a handful of things that you absolutely have to have to keep a relationship going. So it's a pretty straightforward question; can you ever trust her again?

Tell her that she needs to gain your trust back before things can keep going, an apology isn't good enough. If that means coming home from work at a set time every day, spending more time specifically with you, and letting you keep track of her location, then so be it - if she really feels bad and loves you, she will understand how important it is for you to trust her again. Those are just a few things I would suggest. You might not need that, or need more, to feel trusting again. Or, you may never trust her again.

So to sum up, do some reflecting and decide if you can ever trust her again, and what it will take for you to get there. It might not even take that much, you might just need more time to get over this. Hopefully this was helpful.

Cerebrus73

02-01-2009, 09:03 AM

Thx for the responses. She told me that she was REALLY drunk and we were having some issues and it just happened and right after it happened she said she thought WTF did I just do oh no. She told me because she wants us to work though and not live in a lie with me. Personally I dont know if I can ever trust her gain or if shes even worth the trouble. I do love her but even now after staying up all night not being able to sleep and thinking about it she still disgusts to even look at.

ryster

02-01-2009, 09:37 AM

This is going to be tough since you are married (you can't really 'take a break'). I would say give it some time. I know that feeling of disgust you are talking about, and it is something that (at least for me) has always faded with time. You feel that way because you were betrayed and still haven't really been able to wrap your mind around what happened. You think things through for a few days, months, however long, and it will be pretty clear whether or not you are going to be willing to forgive and trust her. At that point, like I said, it's just a matter of actually doing it - which is why you need to figure out what the two of you can do to repair the damage.

Cerebrus73

02-01-2009, 09:58 AM

Thx ryster. She got up with me this morning and I looked at her and broke into tears and she did as well. I really think she is remorseful and the fact that she told me I think is a good sign. Its just really tough right now because every time I look at her I see a mental image of her with someone else and that is really painful. We are actually leaving this morning to go on a business trip together for 4 days. Maybe we can start the healing process then. I have told her that I am not sure if I want to be with her anymore and Im going to have to think it over for a few days.

ryster

02-01-2009, 10:42 AM

No problem. I'm sorta going through problems myself right now, I'm feeling pretty empathetic.

I don't want to sort of break the conclusion you just gave, but I think this is important enough to mention. If, you can get past this, like really get past it and totally move on, your relationship will be way stronger and way closer than ever before. As cliche as it may be, I think that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I think that principle applies greatly to relationships.

Regardless, good luck man!

shiiboi

02-01-2009, 02:24 PM

You need to examine exactly what you are angry about. She told you that it was an impulsive act which she regrets and told you about it so there wouldn't be a lie between you. That's different than saying that she met someone she wants to be with more than you.

Can you imagine yourself in her position? What if you'd been drinking and had an opportunity for a one night stand-- can you be sure that you would have resisted the temptation?

The rage you express-- wanting to kill her, the other guy, yourself, is way out of proportion to the facts of the situation. How quickly your love turned into hatred. One minute you're in love with her and the next you can't stand to be in the same room with her?

What she did was wrong, and she does need to make it up to you and regain your trust. But how you are reacting leads me to think that your behaviour played some role in her actions, and if you don't work on your own insecurity and anger management issues, you may drive her into another more serious affair in the future.

UlyssesIII

02-01-2009, 03:26 PM

i don't buy any of what shiiboi just wrote. If someone tells you that they just cheated on you, then the proper reaction is to get really fucking pissed. If you're not, then you don't really care. And as for your behavior playing some role in her actions, well that's a damned careless assumption on the part of shiiboi. You didn't drive her to do this. Everyone can be a better husband or better wife, but people are going to be who they are. That being said, they may have some experiences that will change them.

When someone puts that kind of pain in you, you gotta wring it out like a wet rag. That means getting pissed sometimes and letting her know it. It could actually take several years of angry episodes (not violent) every now and then before the anger goes away. And sometimes nothing queues them either, they're just spontaneous. Keep yourself busy during the day...and one of the best remedies IMO for dealing with that kind of thing is going to the gym and working out (or running if that's you're thing.) Working out is a good way to channel the anger. Plus, if you're working out angry then you can become a beast FAST. Focus on the things you can control.

If it was an affair instead of a one-night stand, i'd say drop the D card. She probably didn't have to tell you about it either, but she chose to. That's a good sign to show that her heart is in the right place. You really need to seek out a marriage counselor though. They might be able to help you decide things like stay or go and how to leave the past in the past.

02-01-2009, 03:48 PM

Wow... I actually don't know what to say, but I will think about this for a day or so and get back to you.

ryster

02-01-2009, 04:06 PM

I pretty much agree with everything UlyssesIII said, with the exception of counseling. These problems are best solved between each other. And, counseling isn't guaranteed to fix your relationship. You need to figure it out, not some shrink who went to college for a couple of years learning about monkeys and twins.

fmb

02-01-2009, 05:12 PM

First, don't think about doing anything to you. No harm, no hurting, no fucking gun closet. The gun closet isn't for you; you have enough strength to ask for some assistance and even tell us you have (possibly remotely) thought of heading for the gun closet and ending you. That's not acceptable for you and it's not acceptable for me in the internet world to hear you say. Put that thought away. That thought should be gone forever!

Now, let's look at some things. First, this horrible thing has happened to you. I'm sorry to hear about that; after reading your thread and posts, I know this has tremendously hurt you. Things will get better with time and some positive thinking. Secondly, you stated she told you about the occurrence. Did she tell you because she had no choice? Or did she tell you because she loves you, is committed to the relationship, and is truly sorry for what happened during a moment of weakness? You're going to have to spend some time thinking about why she told you.

Thirdly, it's okay to be angry as hell with her. It's a natural, human reaction. I'd be more concerned if you were not upset and just shrugging your shoulders at this news. Time heals wounds. Think through things before you make a decision about what to do about this situation.

You said you're heading out of town with her for a few days. Take the time (and distance from home) to review what has been going on, how the interaction between the two of you goes, and what the implications of leaving/staying in the relationship are.

Also, I'd suggest some marriage counselling. I'd suggest this even if it's just you going and speaking with a counselor to get some ideas and input for your decision making process. Hell, the counselor doesn't judge; he/she offers input and suggestions about the situation. It's up to you to make decision; at least this way you may make a more informed decision.

Please keep everyone updated on what's happening. We're out here, listen, and do offer ideas when needed.

I hope things go well for you!
fmb

shiiboi

02-01-2009, 05:24 PM

i don't buy any of what shiiboi just wrote. If someone tells you that they just cheated on you, then the proper reaction is to get really fucking pissed. If you're not, then you don't really care. And as for your behavior playing some role in her actions, well that's a damned careless assumption on the part of shiiboi. You didn't drive her to do this. Everyone can be a better husband or better wife, but people are going to be who they are. That being said, they may have some experiences that will change them.

I didn't say that it was unnatural to be angry about what he was told. But talking about hitting the gun closet and blowing her and / or himself away, along with disgust at being in her presense is evidence of some serious personal issues over and above the situation at hand.

My wife cheated on me just BEFORE we were married, while we were engaged. She was getting nervous about the commitment, etc. and afterward she felt guilty and told me so that she wouldn't be keeping a lie from me and all the baggage that entailed.

I was angry. I felt betrayed. We argued throughout the night and the next morning. I questioned whether I still wanted to go through with the wedding, and whether I could trust her again. I NEVER thought of killing her or myself. By the next day, I realized that she was the same person I fell in love with and that telling me the truth was the best thing to do to keep honesty in our relationship. We agreed that a temporary lapse of judgment shouldn't destroy everything we wanted, but that trying to cover up a lie could. I got over it.

We've been married for 25 years. She's never cheated on me again. In the meantime, I've found myself in situations of temptation-- and remembering how I felt probably helped me to resist these temptations.

You have to ask yourself if you would see it differently if the situation were reversed. Cerebrus73: what if you had been the one who cheated? What if you were a bit drunk and found yourself being led by you gonads instead of you head? Wouldn't you expect your wife to forgive you? Would you expect her to come after you with a gun?

kulotsalot

02-01-2009, 09:03 PM

Having never cheated or been cheated on, but having had a situation in the family where some husband *supposedly* cheated on some wife (husband was outed by the girl he supposedly cheated with) on some drunken night, here are my thoughts.

1. It's okay to be angry, but you have to find healthy ways of expressing your anger. Guns = not healthy. Stay away from them.

2. Realize that you don't have to make a decision on staying/leaving the relationship RIGHT THIS SECOND. You probably don't even have to forgive her right this second, either. Just allow yourself to feel what you feel when you feel it and don't worry about the decision-making part yet. It's too early in the game for that, I think.

3. Go see a counselor, even if you go alone. Make sure you go see a good one, though, cos otherwise, you might as well just talk to us here. ;) At the very least, this will give you an opportunity to work through your anger. Also, remember that going the counselor route doesn't automatically mean that you are making a decision to save your marriage, so again, no decisions at this point yet. It just means that you are interested in dealing with the emotions in a healthy way, and possibly understanding why you guys ended up in that cheating situation. It is gonna be tough, though.

4. IF you decide that you do want to stay in the marriage, the only way for it to work is for you to eventually trust her again. Super effin hard, considering she completely broke that trust. The kicker is that for a couple to build up that trust again, you have to get to the point where you *act* like you trust her, even if you really don't. The more you do that act of trusting, the more trusting you eventually become. So realize that while you will probably go through a phase where you will demand that she prove to you that she is trustworthy by doing x, y and z, THAT IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE of rebuilding trust. Ironic, isn't it? But you have to do it, if you eventually decide to stay.

5. Make sure she gives you enough room and time to feel the way you feel. Some cheaters think that the act of 'fessing up and apologizing absolves them of all sin and don't understand why you can't just "get over it." And there you are reliving the moment over and over again in your head, thinking what lead you to that point, going through the "if only I/she/we did this instead of that..." stuff. Yeah. You can't get over something like this really quickly, so don't let her pressure you into just getting over it right this instant. HOWEVER, don't be the guy who can't get over it AT ALL, and becomes a woman-hater for life because they get stuck on the anger and can't move past it.

02-01-2009, 11:45 PM

One thing I came up with is the counselor route. I honestly think it's a good idea for you to go by yourself. Kulots is correct though... get a good one. Cause the better they are, they better they can get you to open to them and yourself. Yep... sometimes, it's not a case of you getting something off your chest. Sometimes it's someone helping you to realize what's going on in your head. Sort of like how our feelings come out when we are drunk, a good counselor can put your subconscious into your own words.

My opinion, that should probably be your first step. The next steps probably are dependent on what you find out with that. Best of luck though, and feel free to unload on us. We are here for you.

abcde123

02-02-2009, 08:54 AM

02-02-2009, 11:57 AM

Marriage counseling. Find a Christian marriage counselor. Start by talking to your pastor at church; if you don't have one, then find one.

What she did was absolutely wrong, but also consider that 2 years of marriage plus __ years of dating history are a lot to give up without some serious effort to resolve the problem. People do make mistakes. You can just decide to leave her too, but the pain is going to stay with you anyway.
Why does it have to be a Christian marriage counselor? What if they aren't Christian? What if they don't go to church and have a pastor?

Oh... who is going to know how to get at the bottom of the situation, someone who studied the God and Jesus for years, or someone who studied the human psyche?

Juan.Camaney

02-02-2009, 12:15 PM

Lets not get into religious debate in here guys.

I'll add my two cents, for what its worth. Women typically don't cheat until later on in the marriage, which is surprising, unless she feels she married the wrong guy.

Basically, you sound like a pretty physical and angry dude and there is a reason she cheated that you both have to find out what it is. Simply speaking, alcohol won't make you cheat. It might lower your inhibitions and you give in to feelings that already exist.

To be blunt, if you want to work through this, you are going to go through hell and quite frankly, it will never be the way it was because the fact she cheated never goes away.

I'm not a councelor, by far, but I'd seriously recommend a separation so you deal with your pain on your own, then see an actual councelor on weekends so you both work on a solution. The reason for the separation is that there are feelings that will make you want to kill her again, like the thought of some other dude pumping away at her while she totally disregards your feelings and ignores her vows. If you are how I think you are, that last sentence just put a huge fucked up feeling in your stomach and you are fuming angry...this is the shit you have to get over on your own and can't do if you are constantly reminded of it by looking at her.

I honestly wouldn't be able to do it. I'd simply leave and cut my losses. But that's just me.

Cerebrus73

02-05-2009, 09:18 AM

Ok sorry I was out of town and my hotels WiFi wouldnt work.

we seem to be working through it. Of course the trust isnt there but the love still is. We have been having problems and told me that she confided in this person in work with our problems and he moved right in. She said that the way they felt together talking and all is how we felt when we first got together with tears in her eyes. She said she knows now how big of a mistake it was to talk to him and that hes nothing but a low life POS trying to get some and it worked. She told me she realizes now that Im the one she needs to talk to and not someone else and not someone else. We had pushed each other so far away that it ddint look like it was going to last. Now it seems like both of us want to be with each other again but now I have to deal with this. She seems truely remorseful and I dont think she would have told me if she didnt want to stay together. We are going to look into a counselor to help me mostly. I have already made it clear to the other party, who knew me and that we were married, that if I see him on the street he had best turn around and run because its not going to be pretty. I will crush the guys skull in and I think he knows it. My wife said hes scared of me and best be for sure.

Wish me luck guys. Im going to need everything I have to make this work but feel shes worth it.

My emotions go like this from minute to minute:

:cry: ---- > :mad1: ---- > :puke1: ---- > :cry: ---- > :mad1: ---- > :cry:........................

Juan.Camaney

02-05-2009, 10:00 AM

I'm not going to wish you luck. I think it is a huge mistake. Here's how it happens.

1. Problems at home
2. She needs to talk to someone and already had a guy friend talking to her, listening to her and comforting her. She takes that as he's just a friend.
3. She hides this from you because she feels guilty.
4. She continues to try to convince herself they are just friends.
5. They go out to lunch or something "innocent" together.
6. She develops strong feelings of "like"
7. They go out some more, and at one point lock eyes....she knows she wants him, he knows it too.
8. They kiss....for a while, then she realizes she is married and pushes him away. They pretend it was a mistake and that they should not do it again.
9. It happens again...this time for more than just a while. She takes it as she's just experimenting to see how far she will take it.
10. Eventually, drinks are involved (let's face it, it's liquid courage) and they go all the way.
11. They keep doing it a few times, and eventually the dude starts getting distant because he got his, she is married and has kids.
12. Wife realizes she got used, feels guilty, cries and pretends her emotions were confused, tries to play the victim, all so you feel sorry for her and take her back.

See, when she cheated, it wasn't just for lack of dick. With most women, its lack of emotional connection. She felt like she was making love to this person, while the guy is just getting his dick wet. Never once did she stop to think the emotional impact and the lives of people she loved (yep, loved as in past tense) that she was going to turn into a roller coaster. She wants to restore some normality back into her life....but for how long? I mean seriously, she felt distant cuz you're a dick in her eyes. You aren't going to want to change because you're a man, she cheated and she's the one who needs to change. She'll be fed up that she is "trying" because she feels guilty and wishes the whole thing was just water under the bridge....but it's not. It won't work out. Yeah, I'm being pessimistic....why? Because you deserve a lot better. No man deserves this, yet I'll be the one to admit, I was the asshole on the other side fucking men's wives, and I'm familiar with all this a little too well. It's a part of my life's choices that I have to live with and wish I had never done...such is life.

Please dude, don't put yourself through this. Take the split now while you are still 35ish and can work out and find someone good, rather than do it 7 years from now after she gets that infamous 7 year itch and decides she needs other dick again.

Cerebrus73

02-05-2009, 11:10 AM

We went though some serious issues. I honestly dont know why we ddint split up they were so bad. Some of it was my fault. I do love her and I can tell she does love me but the trust isnt there. The loving feeling she had lost is now back and I feel like she really is sorry and wants to work it out. Im really confused right now though and I think I want to see a counselor fro advice. Its ok about the luck I understand. I go through wanting to just leave then back to loving her more than ever.

Juan.Camaney

02-05-2009, 11:35 AM

So what's the problem with separation and counceling then? If you stay there, nothing will change, and everyone will just walk around on eggshells.

Someone I loved deeply once told me, "you know what? sometimes love isn't enough" and up until a few weeks ago, I didn't know what it meant. But that cunt was right...without trust, without honesty....it won't work.

I wish you luck in finding peace of mind and heart. I'd honestly rather be kicked in the balls repeatedly than have to go through what you are suffering through. Don't torture yourself trying to fix something the wrong way...specially when it might have been over a long time ago. IMHO, this was just the nail in the coffin.

Cerebrus73

02-06-2009, 08:37 AM

Juan.Camaney

02-06-2009, 09:34 AM

Its hard to throw away the love I have and the past 10 years of my life without trying though.
If it was rough before this happened, you were already throwing it away. If it took you finding out that your wife cheated on you to try and change, you're doing it wrong.

Cerebrus73

02-06-2009, 10:14 AM

No not me trying to change. Shes the one thats been doing it wrong not me. Grnated there a few things I could have done better but this shit falls mostly on her shoulders not mine. She knows it too and shes trying to fix it it seems so far. Im just giving her the chance at the moment. If she does ANYTHING wrong at all then that will be the answer to my question of if she wants to be with me and work it out or if shes BSing me just to smooth shit over.

Who knows next week I might kick her to the curb I dont know.

Juan.Camaney

02-06-2009, 12:24 PM

You aren't going to want to change because you're a man, she cheated and she's the one who needs to change. She'll be fed up that she is "trying" because she feels guilty and wishes the whole thing was just water under the bridge....but it's not. It won't work out.

um

No not me trying to change. Shes the one thats been doing it wrong not me. Grnated there a few things I could have done better but this shit falls mostly on her shoulders not mine. She knows it too and shes trying to fix it it seems so far. Im just giving her the chance at the moment. If she does ANYTHING wrong at all then that will be the answer to my question of if she wants to be with me and work it out or if shes BSing me just to smooth shit over.

Who knows next week I might kick her to the curb I dont know.
I calls it like I see it, champ. A woman does not cheat if her man was taking care of his at home. You knew her before you married her. You knew what she expected out of a husband. She saw that you weren't providing for her needs and she left. If she cheated already, and you want her to do all the changing, you are setting yourself up for complete faliure. See, this is why I keep telling you, it ain't gonna fucking work and you will just drive yourselves to hate each other. I don't know if there are kids involved, but I feel bad for them if its so.

Juan.Camaney

02-06-2009, 12:26 PM

Do yourself a favor and go through her cell phone, her cell phone bill, her recent calls, her email, track her credit card or debit card expenses, activate a gps tracking device to make sure you know where she is at all times, take her drivers license and money away, cut her hair off, brand your name on her vagine....dude, there is just no way to restore trust any more.

02-06-2009, 12:40 PM

Yeah. That was funny reading that she's the fault, and she has to change, and her alone. Yep, I'm sure there was something lacking on your part, and yet you don't have to change anything. Now she's going to be unhappy, because she has to sacrifice to please you, and you don't have to fix what was wrong with you. I agree Juan... this is going to end badly.

Thanks for posting here asking for our opinions, and disregarding everything we said. Why did you ask for our help again?

Cerebrus73

02-06-2009, 02:29 PM

Ok so where the fuck did I say I had nothing at all to change? I said she was the one who fucking did wrong. The whole reason we got into the fighting shit is she didnt want to grow the fuck up and be married and have a married life. I did. She was the one staying out late at night with her fucking friend actling like a fucking child not me. She has the mahority of shit to fix in the relationship not me.

The reason I asked for advice here is how you guys have worked through it, I nowhere asked for anyone to critque what/who/when/where they think might be or have been wrong or an issue. All I wanted to know is what steps anyone has taken if it happened to them. I couldnt give two shits how wrong you think I am or she is or if you think this or that, just what steps were taken to repair the situation which everyone in here pretty much sounds like they have never been in it so they really have no ground to critque anything because you haveent been there.

Juan.Camaney

02-06-2009, 04:32 PM

Ok so where the fuck did I say I had nothing at all to change?

Right here bud:

No not me trying to change. Shes the one thats been doing it wrong not me.

The whole reason we got into the fighting shit is she didnt want to grow the fuck up and be married and have a married life. I did.
So you should have moved the fuck on instead of forcing a human being with emotions and the right to choose into a life she didn't want.

She was the one staying out late at night with her fucking friend actling like a fucking child not me. She has the mahority of shit to fix in the relationship not me.
You let her go out and stay out late. You didnt KNOW this was going to happen? Hermano, how big an idiot are you? Only one thing girls do when its girls night out and its running late, and that's hook up with assholes like me.

She has the mahority of shit to fix in the relationship not me.
If you are talking to her the way you are talking here, the cursing, the inability to accept blame, then I say you are dead wrong.

The reason I asked for advice here is how you guys have worked through it, I nowhere asked for anyone to critque what/who/when/where they think might be or have been wrong or an issue.
Yeah, I pretty much stepped into this because I TRIED to work it out with a cheater a long time ago. It doesn't work because I was an idiot just like you are being and refused to change. I wanted her to suffer, to beg, to implore, to go through the same emotions I went through. I'm not just talking out of my ass here, Cerebus.

I couldnt give two shits how wrong you think I am or she is or if you think this or that, just what steps were taken to repair the situation which everyone in here pretty much sounds like they have never been in it so they really have no ground to critque anything because you haveent been there.
So you want people to tell you how they fixed their personal life so you can try to follow the same steps? Every relationship is different, man. What works for us might not work for you. Your wife, she has her own emotions, her own way of thinking. You do too. You can't expect to go into a public forum and ask a question like this and not expect a lot of people to say you are setting yourself up for faliure. Do I know people who worked through an affair? Yes I do. How did they do it? They separated, spent a few years appart, dated other people, and found their way back to each other. Another couple went to church and devoted their lives to the Lord. Others, when it was men who cheated, simply tried to pretend it never happened and live in constant arguments and it STILL comes up....I call those idiots mom and dad.