Wow! Good Decision?

[UrbanHustle]

So, I've been married to a woman that I was with nearly 3-years before marrying. She is 26 now, and I'll be 25 on the 25th of this month. I married her at 19.

Soon after we were married, I cheated on her. It wasn't a sexual relationship, but just a few kisses and groping, that's about it. One night, the "mistress" called my house at about 2a. I answered, and my wife asked who it was, I froze, hung up, and told her I didn't know. Well, of course, being I hesitated, she questioned my intentions. I lied to cover it up. We continued on our marriage, and of course, there were questions. Within this time, I was lying to cover up other lies, because I was scared of losing her.

So, fast forward about 5-years or so. Up til this point, our relationship was rocky. We ended up having a son, who is now two. My wife has a good friend, who happens to be a lesbian. Well, right under my nose, they started fucking around. I know, most guys would say something like, "That's awesome!" But, it's not, at all. It still hurt, a lot. I began to question our relationship. I left a few times, and came back.

Now, current day, today I told her I didn't want to stay with her. I can't trust her, nor can she trust me. We don't get along and a few things have changed between us. I was a Christian, but grew up, and not anymore. Religion is a HUGE issue with her. She loves animals, dogs specifically, and I can't stand them. We have two, and they piss and shit everywhere, and I'm the one stuck with cleaning them up. She's lazy. She works for her Mom, and of course with the "Mommy Job", you can do what you want. She sleeps in almost everyday, and God forbid, I wake her up.

So, she's still hanging out with this lesbian, who she claims is her best friend, and only her best friend. I question when they go out drinking, and usually can't sleep, only for my wife to come in completely crush drunk.

I hate my life, I hate my house, I almost hate my wife. The only positive thing in my life right now is my son, who has recently started annoying the shit out of me. He's only two, and I understand that, but I think with all the stress of my wife being around, I end up taking a good majority out on him, and after, I feel like a complete idiot.

I've been to counseling four times. Each time, I quit because I was paying out and not receiving any help at all. I decided to take an anger management course, and throughout the 2-times I attended the course, I realized how much I WASN'T angry. I'm not like this around my friends, and I'm not like this around other females, ONLY her.

Either way, I told her I was leaving earlier today, and now I'm questioning it, again. Could someone please reassure this is the right thing to do, not only for me, but for my son?

[marklar]

do what you have to do to be happy, man.

[maggiesdragons]

It sounds like you are hurt and with that pain comes anger. you have to get away from her and live your own life... it will make it easier to be around your son... if you don't have the strength to do it for you, ask your self if you want your son around all that pain. Or would you rather get away from her and treat your son better?

I was in a relationship that was just like what you discribed and once I got away I became "normal" again, I was able to be a good parent rather then an irritated one. which the kid can and does pick up on that.

like stated before, what is it gonna take for you to be happy? Ask your self that and set a goal. Stick with it.

I'm sure you will figure it out, and you will be fine.

[fmb]

I've gotta back much of what maggiesdragons has to say. I've went through some crappy times when I was married; I have to say my life is much better, more enjoyable, and I'm a happier man now that my divorce is over with.

This decision seems very difficult, but may be much easier to accept than you realize. Read what you posted and ask yourself if you want to go back to being miserable, hating your surroundings, and not being as great a parent as you want for your son.

If possible, keep everyone posted and let us know how you're holding up. Good luck!

[Juan.Camaney]

Gee, who around here would have guessed that marrying someone at 19 would end this way.

You fucked your life up. Deal with it. Your only responsibility now is the kid. Have fun making payments on that for 18 years!

[UrbanHustle]

Gee, who around here would have guessed that marrying someone at 19 would end this way.

You fucked your life up. Deal with it. Your only responsibility now is the kid. Have fun making payments on that for 18 years!

You make it sound like such a chore to support my son. I should've known "Mr. Perfect" was going to walk through the door sometime.

I'm not asking for sympathy, just another perspective.

[Juan.Camaney]

You make it sound like such a chore to support my son. I should've known "Mr. Perfect" was going to walk through the door sometime.

I'm not asking for sympathy, just another perspective.
It is. Because you don't have him every day, you have no say so in what the money goes towards (her nails), you can only have him some holidays, you won't be there for every special ocasion, yet you still have to finance the whole thing. When you could have been real with yourself, told yourself you are too young to be married and WAY too young to be having children. Seriously, not even a year into the marriage and you cheat. Guess you were SOOOOO ready to get married.

You serve as an example to the rest of the guys that come in here talking about "I want to marry my girl but I have an opportunity to cheat on her and she won't find out. Should I do it?"

I'm not perfect, by FAR. But I had enough sense to know 19 was too young and kids are a huge responsibility and SHOULD weigh into my decision on whether or not to cheat on their mother.

Lying to your wife? Pathetic. Once you are married you should be talking about EVERYTHING. Marriage isn't a decision you make when you are that old.

[UrbanHustle]

It is. Because you don't have him every day, you have no say so in what the money goes towards (her nails), you can only have him some holidays, you won't be there for every special ocasion, yet you still have to finance the whole thing. When you could have been real with yourself, told yourself you are too young to be married and WAY too young to be having children. Seriously, not even a year into the marriage and you cheat. Guess you were SOOOOO ready to get married.

You serve as an example to the rest of the guys that come in here talking about "I want to marry my girl but I have an opportunity to cheat on her and she won't find out. Should I do it?"

I'm not perfect, by FAR. But I had enough sense to know 19 was too young and kids are a huge responsibility and SHOULD weigh into my decision on whether or not to cheat on their mother.

Lying to your wife? Pathetic. Once you are married you should be talking about EVERYTHING. Marriage isn't a decision you make when you are that old.

First and foremost, we have no court ordered child support. We have a court approved document showing that I will pay to my child's daycare services, which total $480 per month. Therefore, I know EXACTLY where my money is going. I pay it personally, and receive a receipt for every transaction. We've done it that way in the past, and it won't change anytime soon.

Secondly, you're right about the holiday situation, what else can I say?

Lastly, who are you to say who is ready or who isn't by their age? Infact, I know a couple that got married when they were 17, and they're still happily together 40-years later. The national average for having a child is 25. I had one at 22, is it really that bad? No, of course not, I don't regret it at all.

I shouldn't have cheated, I did. I shouldn't have gotten married so young, but I'm sure you weren't perfect at 19, either. Hell, you probably didn't consider marriage at 19, because you had trouble finding a woman, especially by your "higher than thou" attitude.

We didn't have our first child til AFTER I cheated.

Seriously, get off your high horse and join the rest of us.

Edit: I could stare at the picture in your signature all day long.

[thecowboy]

I think you are making the best decision for your son by getting out. Being angry with him because of the problems you have with his mother aren't going to help his development as a person, nor his relationship with you.

I guess since this thread is kind of turned into a bash on getting married young, I'll put in my experience: My wife and I got together when I was 19 and she was 17. We married at 21 and 19. We'll be married for five years this October, have two kids and we couldn't be happier. Just because someone is young doesn't mean they don't have the foresight to understand what marriage entails.

[nobody]

If you can work it out, that's your best bet. The goal shouldn't be just to get along, it should be to fall in love with each other again. The only way you can control what your son is around is to be around. If you get divorced, you have very little control over what your ex does.

[maggiesdragons]

If you can work it out, that's your best bet. The goal shouldn't be just to get along, it should be to fall in love with each other again. The only way you can control what your son is around is to be around. If you get divorced, you have very little control over what your ex does.

Not true, I know a couple that got a divorce and the dad... not the mom got the child. It doesn't happen very often, but it does happen. I also know several other people who share the children equally.

It sounds like the marriage is beyond repair, so I don't think thats the best option for him.

[CD]

Not true, I know a couple that got a divorce and the dad... not the mom got the child. It doesn't happen very often, but it does happen. I also know several other people who share the children equally.

It sounds like the marriage is beyond repair, so I don't think thats the best option for him.
Doesn't happen in South Carolina though.

[Juan.Camaney]

First and foremost, we have no court ordered child support. We have a court approved document showing that I will pay to my child's daycare services, which total $480 per month. Therefore, I know EXACTLY where my money is going. I pay it personally, and receive a receipt for every transaction. We've done it that way in the past, and it won't change anytime soon.

Secondly, you're right about the holiday situation, what else can I say?

Lastly, who are you to say who is ready or who isn't by their age? Infact, I know a couple that got married when they were 17, and they're still happily together 40-years later. The national average for having a child is 25. I had one at 22, is it really that bad? No, of course not, I don't regret it at all.

I shouldn't have cheated, I did. I shouldn't have gotten married so young, but I'm sure you weren't perfect at 19, either. Hell, you probably didn't consider marriage at 19, because you had trouble finding a woman, especially by your "higher than thou" attitude.

We didn't have our first child til AFTER I cheated.

Seriously, get off your high horse and join the rest of us.

Edit: I could stare at the picture in your signature all day long.
Who am I? No one. But statistics don't lie. Yeah, I know a guy who got stabbed in the neck and lived, but I wouldn't go around telling people it's okay to get stabbed in the neck.

I'm not on a high horse, guy. I was in the same situation you were, except I chose not to get married to the "love of my life" at 19. Why? Because of what you said yourself, you shouldn't have gotten married so young. Eventually 5 years later, she left. Because I cheated. Because at my age, I hadn't had enough ass to know better. Like you. Now you fucked a perfectly good child out of living with both his parents and having a real house hold.

[fmb]

Doesn't happen in South Carolina though.
AMEN!!

[UrbanHustle]

Now you fucked a perfectly good child out of living with both his parents and having a real house hold.

Can you read? I cheated BEFORE having our son. Since our son, I haven't cheated or anything.

I'd much rather my son see love, whether it's with different people, than not see it at all, living in a household where the two parents completely hate each other.

But, you wouldn't understand, because it's very obvious you're perfect.

[@man2girlz]

hey, as someone who grew up in a house where both parents were constantly at each other's throats, i can give you some firsthand advice that getting out is the best for your son. taking your frustration out on your kid is the innate human thing to do as a man because he's the weakest male in your 'house system' but its definitely going to fuck with his self-image and development, in addition to re-enforcing a negative view of yourself, you also reinforce his mother's negative projection of you to him. I think it would be best for you to take your son out of that house and raise him yourself, but that's all up to you..who knows if you are willing or capable to do this?

At this point it's about him, and ask yourself do you want him to grow up learning from your wife (lazy, unmotivated, careless, irresponsible, cheating, etc) or you?

[maggiesdragons]

the way I see it is no one is a perfect parent... but you are a great parent as long as you always try your best to give your children the life you can give them, it thats having to split holidays and such... so be it.

It sounds like you know what you need to do... Just keep going and it will become second nature soon enough.

[CD]

Can you read? I cheated BEFORE having our son. Since our son, I haven't cheated or anything.

I'd much rather my son see love, whether it's with different people, than not see it at all, living in a household where the two parents completely hate each other.

But, you wouldn't understand, because it's very obvious you're perfect.
You don't understand what he said. Let me break it down for ya...

You were having a rocky relationship that involved cheating. You THEN decide it's a good idea to have a son while this rocky relationship is going on. You have therefor brought a kid into a volatile relationship. It's possible that the trust could be gained again, but more often then not, it takes a lifetime to build trust and only a moment to take it away. You brought your child into an untrustworthy relationship, when Juan decided he was too "young and dumb" to do that to an innocent kid. It doesn't make him perfect, it makes him human.

[Juan.Camaney]

You don't understand what he said. Let me break it down for ya...

You were having a rocky relationship that involved cheating. You THEN decide it's a good idea to have a son while this rocky relationship is going on. You have therefor brought a kid into a volatile relationship. It's possible that the trust could be gained again, but more often then not, it takes a lifetime to build trust and only a moment to take it away. You brought your child into an untrustworthy relationship, when Juan decided he was too "young and dumb" to do that to an innocent kid. It doesn't make him perfect, it makes him human.
Give the man a cigar.

[UrbanHustle]

You don't understand what he said. Let me break it down for ya...

You were having a rocky relationship that involved cheating. You THEN decide it's a good idea to have a son while this rocky relationship is going on. You have therefor brought a kid into a volatile relationship. It's possible that the trust could be gained again, but more often then not, it takes a lifetime to build trust and only a moment to take it away. You brought your child into an untrustworthy relationship, when Juan decided he was too "young and dumb" to do that to an innocent kid. It doesn't make him perfect, it makes him human.

No, at the time my wife had gotten pregnant with our son, she had no idea that I'd cheated. Our relationship wasn't rocky until she found out AFTER he was already born. My son was about a year old when she found out about me cheating previously.

Now, you, as does Juan, need to learn how to read.

[CD]

Soon after we were married, I cheated on her. It wasn't a sexual relationship, but just a few kisses and groping, that's about it. One night, the "mistress" called my house at about 2a. I answered, and my wife asked who it was, I froze, hung up, and told her I didn't know. Well, of course, being I hesitated, she questioned my intentions. I lied to cover it up. We continued on our marriage, and of course, there were questions. Within this time, I was lying to cover up other lies, because I was scared of losing her.

So, fast forward about 5-years or so. Up til this point, our relationship was rocky. We ended up having a son, who is now two. My wife has a good friend, who happens to be a lesbian. Well, right under my nose, they started fucking around. I know, most guys would say something like, "That's awesome!" But, it's not, at all. It still hurt, a lot. I began to question our relationship. I left a few times, and came back.


No, at the time my wife had gotten pregnant with our son, she had no idea that I'd cheated. Our relationship wasn't rocky until she found out AFTER he was already born. My son was about a year old when she found out about me cheating previously.

Now, you, as does Juan, need to learn how to read.
You need to learn how to write better. To say what you said in your first post, and claim otherwise later isn't going to help you.

[UrbanHustle]

You need to learn how to write better. To say what you said in your first post, and claim otherwise later isn't going to help you.

You're right, it should've been better posted initially. But, either way, it wasn't til after we had our son, that my wife started questioning what had happened.

[CD]

You're right, it should've been better posted initially. But, either way, it wasn't til after we had our son, that my wife started questioning what had happened.
Incorrect. She questioned you early on.

"The single greatest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

[UrbanHustle]

Incorrect. She questioned you early on.

"The single greatest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

She questioned who it was, we fought for a day or two, and she dropped it. The only reason it came up later was because it got back to her from another friend of mine.

We had our son in a time of our relationship that we were doing getting along and doing alright. It wasn't til a year after he was born that everything started breaking down.

[Juan.Camaney]

HAH! So you cheating wasn't a sign that the relationship is rocky eh? Good one. Like everything else, it works in cycles. Sometimes you do well, other times not so much.

People like you give people like me a bad rep. I cheat... a lot, but I'm up front about it. I know what I do is wrong, so other than bring women into my life that get a thrill out of trying to change me, I wouldn't dare bring a kid into it...even if we were doing well at the time.

The more you keep trying to convince yourself that you weren't the problem, the more out of reality you seem to be. Face it guy, you weren't ready to be married, you cheated, you brought a child into a fucked up marriage, things eventually fell appart and now you are where you are.

Make the best out of it now, but don't try to make it seem like it was no big deal.

[fmb]

HAH! So you cheating wasn't a sign that the relationship is rocky eh? Good one. Like everything else, it works in cycles. Sometimes you do well, other times not so much.

People like you give people like me a bad rep. I cheat... a lot, but I'm up front about it. I know what I do is wrong, so other than bring women into my life that get a thrill out of trying to change me, I wouldn't dare bring a kid into it...even if we were doing well at the time.

The more you keep trying to convince yourself that you weren't the problem, the more out of reality you seem to be. Face it guy, you weren't ready to be married, you cheated, you brought a child into a fucked up marriage, things eventually fell appart and now you are where you are.

Make the best out of it now, but don't try to make it seem like it was no big deal.

Don't take offense with what CD is saying; it's all meant to help you see the bigger picture. Take juans advice; you are where you are. You cannot make the relationship you have better, but you can move on with your life and make the life and relationship your son has with you much better.

Don't get tied up in the minute details; see the bigger picture and responsibilities you have with your son. That's what matters.

[butthead006]

I agree with juan a lot. Don't take it as an attack which I think you are, he is just being real. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and admit you fucked up. You, not every young couple. I am a child from a very similar situation . I grew up in the fucked up house where it was taken out on me and you won't ever get reprieve from your son if you don't fix it. Just leave and do good for your kid; stop being so God Damned Proud. You still have the opportunity to be a good father. Don't waste it.

[Jimdog99]

Urban Hustle,

If your child sees nothing but anger and discontent in the marriage, the child will raise their kids the same, so on and so forth. My folks argued like cats and dogs. Yelling all of the time. It was how they communicate. They still do it. I find myself when I start to get irritated with the wife, I raise my voice. This is automatic. Doesn't make it right, I have to try to catch myself from doing it... It was learned and accepted.

I hope for your son's sake you can follow the advice of these others (they seem to know what's up, btw). If no matter what you do and things won't get any better it's time to leave.

File for 50-50 custody. Be prepared for her to get ugly and nasty. You violated her trust. She's probably pretty pissed at you. You have to regain her trust at her own speed, not yours. Women can forgive but most don't forget. No matter what you do or say, she will have to come to terms with it on her own pace.

Who knows, you might rekindle that love that you still have for one another if you handle your responsibilities and facilitate to make your child's life easier. Be supportive in her and your child.

Most of all,
GOOD LUCK.

Hope it works out for the kid.....

[Juan.Camaney]

Instead of filing for divorce, you can file for a trial separation or something to the effect....that's IF you are willing to let go of the past and try for the little guy. You owe it to him.

[UrbanHustle]

Instead of filing for divorce, you can file for a trial separation or something to the effect....that's IF you are willing to let go of the past and try for the little guy. You owe it to him.

I haven't looked at this thread for a little while, and I will admit, I was wrong. We were rocky, and maybe I was delusional.

Juan, we've tried, bro. We been to counseling numerous times, and luckily, in this state, we're required to have a one year separation before we can finalize a divorce. I filed for separation last week, and as of today, it's been one week.

However, it's really sad. I don't miss her at all. I love her, but when I start to miss her, I think about all the bad. I mean, we were both miserable, and right now, I'm doing much better without her. Infact, since being gone, my parents have noticed a change in my behavior. I'm gradually getting my patience back, and my relationship with my son is getting better.

At this point, I'm not willing to try anymore. I've done everything I can to save this marriage, and I'd much rather be with someone else and have him see me happy, than be with her, and everyone be miserable. Sure, it's only been a week, but I haven't felt this good about myself in years.

I love her, but in no way, in love with her.

[Juan.Camaney]

I think they give you a year to think things through. But honestly, I'm worried about this:

At this point, I'm not willing to try anymore. I've done everything I can to save this marriage, and I'd much rather be with someone else and have him see me happy, than be with her, and everyone be miserable. Sure, it's only been a week, but I haven't felt this good about myself in years.

I, I, I....where does the sacrifice for the kids sake come in?

Love fades slower than hate. Maybe you can get over the hate in you and try again. Think of someone else besides yourself. If after a year it still doesn't go away, then go for it. I'm glad your relationship with your kid is getting better tho.

Good luck man.

[UrbanHustle]

I think they give you a year to think things through. But honestly, I'm worried about this:



I, I, I....where does the sacrifice for the kids sake come in?

Love fades slower than hate. Maybe you can get over the hate in you and try again. Think of someone else besides yourself. If after a year it still doesn't go away, then go for it. I'm glad your relationship with your kid is getting better tho.

Good luck man.

We've tried numerous times to fix it and work it out for him. It just doesn't work. Right now, you're probably right. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to see her, and I can't stand being around her. The girl she messed with still comes around the house, and I can't deal with trying to "suck it up", when she's not willing to budge.

[Juan.Camaney]

Do your thing then man. If you already have your mind made up, why did you even come in here and ask advice whether or not it was a good decision? Only time will tell, cool dude! If you are happy, and that's all you care about, fuck the world if they can't adjust!