Married and Looking

[cm8]

I just wanted to know what you all think about married people who call single's chat lines and hides the cell phone bills from their spouses because they are calling and chatting with other people and their spouses does not know. I ask because, I'm thinking about calling one and finding someone to talk to. Before anyone ask, yes I have talked to my husband and he doesn't seem to have an interest in anything I have to say, but if it is one of his female friends, he listens to them all the time. I'm tired of not getting any attention and when I demand just a little, then I'm smothering him. When we first got married he cheated on me and I haven't really gotten past that. I'm trying but I'm not sure I can ever forget. The pain I live with every day, I just want to try to find something/someone to get into to make it all go away. I know, I seem to be confused, I am, I just don't know what to do, he won't go to see a counselor, but he has no problem chatting it up with other women. We've been married 3 years and been together 6, I don't want a divorce, but I think that maybe the way to go. I need some advice. I'm still young and I need some guidance. I saw the counselor my self, but it takes two to get to the bottom of the story and he won't go. I'm tired or living like this.

[Juan.Camaney]

Try and remind yourself why you are still with him. He doesn't listen to you, he doesn't tell you the truth, he cheats on you, hides stuff from you, and even if it wasn't physical (yes, I read your journal) he doesn't seem to mind that its bugging you.

Is it the money? Is he rich? Your meal ticket?

So now, your best solution is to do the same to him and see how he likes it? Yeah, give him reason to divorce you and not have to give you half his shit.

You are in a failing marriage. At this point, you just want revenge. A pretty big percentage of the women I have slept with were in the same situation you are...you'll cheat eventually.

You need a divorce before you are too fat to get someone else.

[fmb]

cm8, I say think things through before you do anything. If you're not satisfied with your marriage and you're very sure there will be no improvement in your relationship, consider ending this relationship before hunting another. Cheating does alot of damage, no matter which party is caught or was doing the cheating.

If you end things through divorce versus cheating and getting caught, the court process will be much better for you. Plus, you'll be out of this painful relationship without sinking to one of the levels the other partner has.

I went through hell in my last marriage, but I have the piece of mind knowing a kept a straight path and have no regrets about my feelings or any actions I took while in the relationship. Think long and hard before you pick up that phone or place an on-line ad.

[cm8]

Thanks fmb, I can really relate.
Jaun: I'm not still here for the money, he has none, I'm with him because I truly love him. I'm not fat, lol so getting fatter is not the issue, he's not my meal ticket, I'm the one with the money, and no, I'm not un attractive either. I fell head over heals in love with him and it hurts me that he did me that way, yes I want to get even, but at the same time, I don't want to degrade myself. I do appreciate your response, Thanks for listening

[ryster]

I respect what Juan has to say, but I totally disagree.

I suppose it might seem idealist and naive to base your actions on morality, so what I'm saying is based solely on legal principle. fmb is completely right, if you cheat on your spouse, or are accused of such, divorce is going to be a lot harder for you. As long as you don't cheat on him, you have one major chip at the bargaining table. When that goes away so can your home/car/retirement or even children (if you have them).

Now, back to morality. I think you need to think about how much you want to be with this guy. If you just want to find someone new, then I suggest you divorce him and stay unmarried for a while. If you know deep down in your heart that you will never forgive him, then for everyone's sake, divorce him. Now if you still want to be with him, or I should stay, you still want to fix your relationship, then you need to try...harder.

Firstly, I think you need to tell him that you are still bothered by his disloyalty. Believe me, I know first hand that bottling emotions will do nothing more than make for a very, very nasty divorce somewhere down the line (I'm not saying you need to point out his every fault, just that if it is serious enough to bother you every day of your life, it's serious enough to ruin your marriage). And consider that down that line you might have kids. And consider that down that line you will feel like you have wasted your entire youth on some scumbag. You need to tell him that you remember that he cheated on you and you are pissed. Tell him it bothers you every day and that you want to forgive him and move on but you cannot until something changes.

If you can convey how serious it is, and convey that while you still do love him you will force a change if he is not willing to work towards one, then he will be a lot more attentive. If he works with you, then you guys will move on from there, and hopefully resolve things.

If he doesn't, try taking a bit of control. Push counseling but don't fool yourself into believing that your marriage's fate, in every way, depends on counseling (Don't put to much faith in counseling. It doesn't always help and sometimes it makes things worse. Most importantly, and I say this from experience, don't go in there with a list of problems expecting him to apologize for every one of them. All your going to do is distance yourself from him, piss him off, and turn it into a mud-throwing contest).

If he refuses counseling and he won't work with you at all, it's time to show him your serious. Move out. Get a place somewhere else, make sure you can support yourself (as in, don't depend on him for money when your threatening him with divorce), and tell him you don't want to talk to him unless he's ready to work with you. Show him that you are in control of your life, not him, and if he doesn't get things together you will be gone forever.

Give things some time (there is no definite amount, it's as long as you are willing), and if he still hasn't tried to sort things out, then, and this is very important, he isn't worth the effort. Divorce him and move on, you gave him every opportunity to fix things.

I assume you have the purest, most honest intentions, so I offer you my best advice. I have seen some sick shit done in marriage and divorce, and I have no sympathy for people who do it. I know men can be the most abusive, controlling monsters in the world, and when you have to deal with that you are the one who determines how serious it is. But I also know that women can be manipulative back-stabbers (bringing ones husband into counseling under the impression that he is working for the marriage when all the woman wants is the upper hand in divorce proceedings). I've seen both ends of the spectrum, and I don't think either one is right, regardless of what came before it. But I suppose ultimately it is up to you, how hard you are willing to try, or what you want from your spouse, whatever.

Marriages don't work because the people are "perfect" for each other, they work because the people are willing to make sacrifices, because the people are willing to try day in and day out to make them work.

I hope at least some of this is helpful to you. I am a bit wrapped up in other stuff right now so if you find any random detached ideas I might've screwed up my editing so let me know and I will amend them.

Good luck, and remember to go slow, remember what matters and what doesn't, and most importantly, remember why you are doing what you are doing.

[CD]

Where in SC do you live? (don't worry, I'm too lazy to stalk you)

[kulotsalot]

If you don't need him for his money, for his looks, for the great sex, for the steady companionship/friendship, for the kids, etc. then I think that pretty much says that you don't need him at all, and furthermore, no one needs the drama that things like these bring to your life. Is there anything good or attractive about this guy? Cos if there isn't, then what's the point?

What was it like for you growing up and how did you relate to your mom and dad and siblings?

[fmb]

cm8: I'm glad to see you're looking for some thoughts, tips, and suggestions before making your decision. I'm unsure if you've considered marriage counseling, even if he doesn't go. The counselor can help you with some troubles, issues, and advice; better yet, this info will come from a person without a dog in the hunt! No bias! What a thought!

When you first starting posting, I thought you were one of those "left coast" people. You are surrounded by some members here on WR. CD was asking where you're located; you don't have to give the name of the town. Are you located on the coast, midlands, or upstate?

[CD]

cm8:CD was asking where you're located; you don't have to give the name of the town. Are you located on the coast, midlands, or upstate?
basically. I have some ideas but I need to know if a small town place, decent sized city, close to NC or GA or TN, etc...

[Jimi]

I'll be blunt...

If he cared for you, you would be the gasp on his attention. If he has an easier time talking to co-ed friends and collegues, then he is more interested in them. I am by no means trying to be mean, I'm just saying that someone who was in love with you would spend the time giving you the attention you need, be it physical or mental. If you have the money, if you're the meal ticket, he's only with you because of those reasons, it seems.

Drop the loser.

[powder19]

I dunno if you've done this yet, but a key to making a relationship work is to talk about your problems and see how you can fix them. I lost a relationship because the girl I was with had some issues with the relationship that I didn't know about, I care about her so so much and if she would have just brought it up I would have done anything to fix it. He may not even know the situation that you're in, tell him whats up, we men are pretty oblivious to things

[Juan.Camaney]

Jaun: I'm not still here for the money, he has none, I'm with him because I truly love him. I'm not fat, lol so getting fatter is not the issue, he's not my meal ticket, I'm the one with the money, and no, I'm not un attractive either. I fell head over heals in love with him and it hurts me that he did me that way, yes I want to get even, but at the same time, I don't want to degrade myself. I do appreciate your response, Thanks for listening
Hehehe aaah one of those. You're in love with an asshole and you will stay there and take it until you realize he isn't worth it....this assuming you have self respect. Nothing anyone says here will really make you do anything. You went from describing an asshole, to saying you are head over heels in love with him.

I'll tell you this much, those dating services are a joke. The guys on there are too stupid to get laid in person, have no social skills, or have serious problems (legal or other). You are better off just hitting up something free like myspace, hi5 or one of the other social networking (read: meat market) sites that are out there.

My advice to you is, stop and think what you want in life, what you have, and realize that what you have now won't change unless you want it to.

[Juan.Camaney]

Oh, and for everyone else simply saying "drop the loser", she can't....she's "In Love"

[@man2girlz]

you sound like a nice person (op) and i think you should find someone who appreciates you for that, as well as what you give of yourself to them..do that before you're stuck with him because of habit imo.

[CD]

you sound like a nice person (op) and i think you should find someone who appreciates you for that, as well as what you give of yourself to them..do that before you're stuck with him because of habit imo.
But as Juan said, there is the strong possibility that she isn't looking for a good person. She will 9 out of 10 times pick the asshole if she sees 2 men in front of her.

[Cinnamon]

My question is if you truly do love him, why are you seeking companionship elsewhere? I understand that he's not providing the attention you need, so why stay? What is it about him that you love? I had to face that decision when I got divorced. I never wanted to have my marriage fail, but it was for the best. I took some time, let loose, got myself together. I figured out who I was and what I wanted. Now I am remarried to facepeeler and very happy about that. But I can't say that it was all a piece of cake - it was rough. I had a breakdown and lots of counseling (thanks to the military for thinking I was mentally unstable). But I got out of a terrible one sided relationship. you find the strength to do what you need to do, shake the fog from you head and move on. Don't cheat, keep your slate clean. Lawyers will dig up all kinds of dirt and it will hurt you if things ever go to court. There's lots advice already - the question you need to ask yourself is are you ready to face the cold hard facts on what is best for you? Emotions aside - is this relationship worth the mental toll it's already taking on you?

[canu]

Sounds to me she got married to early and she's trying to find a way out of the marriage and needs some peeps like us to help


Think it over before you make another"big" decision on you life

[cm8]

But as Juan said, there is the strong possibility that she isn't looking for a good person. She will 9 out of 10 times pick the asshole if she sees 2 men in front of her.


LOL, thanks, I guess that maybe true, as far as what some of you said, in particular Kut, my parents divorced when I was young. I can still remember my father promising to come visit with me and he never showed. Still breaks my heart that I know he'll never be dependable for anything. CD, I live in "charleston" area, that includes, summerville, mt pleasant, ladson and the surronding areas of goose creek and moncks corner, stalking me? LOL, that never crossed my mind. I have been to see 2 therapist, they gave me medication to deal with stress, never offered a cure, just the band aid to cover up what I was dealing with.
I've been depressed, I been sad, I know I deserve a lot better and I am talented beyond means and through God, I have been giving many talents that are being wasted. I know you are probably thinking is she is so "christian" then what the heck is she doing here? LOL, I ask myself the same thing. I don't think I am a bad person for being here on this site, it's not like I came her looking for porn ( no offense to anyone that did), hell, I watch it myself sometimes, but that has no bearing on my relationship with my God. My husband is the Second guy that I have ever been in love with. The first time I was in love was 10 years ago and it was wrong. I got my heart broken, different man, same drama. Before I go on, I must tell you that I am in my last year of residency. For all of you who don't know what that means, It means that I am a Doctor and when I finish this year and take the boards, I will be officially able to practice on my own. I've known all my life I wanted to be a Doctor and this is a dream come true.
I can't remember who said that "If he cared for you, you would be the gasp on his attention. If he has an easier time talking to co-ed friends and colleagues, then he is more interested in them. I am by no means trying to be mean, I'm just saying that someone who was in love with you would spend the time giving you the attention you need, be it physical or mental" I couldn't agree more but I have a hard time letting go. I've always wanted to get married once and stay married. Divorce for me was never an option. I always thought that if two people really loved each other, than there was nothing of this world that could separate them from each other.
My husband is not what some would consider good looking, sex was mind blowing when we were first dating and now it's just "sex" he gets his and I gets nothing, lol, Looks for me never were an issue, I always looked beyond that into the soul. I would post a picture of us, but since he also comes here ( even though he's told me he has never heard of it) I would probably come up missing. LOL. I do have a myspace page and I'm only using it to network.
I guess I should have left when I noticed that he stopped wearing his ring, and sometimes would come home from work with it in his pocket. His "friend" used to call our home and hang up on me when she wanted to speak to him. She called him on his cell and told him that I answered, he then blew up at me for calling her back. Guess that was a major red flag. Text messages to other ladies, closing his emails whenever I come in the room, chatting with other women, I know all about it. I'm smart, I just save all the evidence for when I need it. I know that I deserve better than this. In my heart of heart I know that I am worth more than what I am being giving. I just love him and I guess that is why I'm still here. I guess that I am hoping that he changes like he promises that one day he will see that we made a commitment to God and each other and it won't be too late.
Funny thing is that I used to think that older guys were better for me. They seemed to have it all together, now I see that I was wrong, all the older guys I've been involved with have been the most immature and self serving B'S I've ever know. I think that If this doesn't work out I'm going to find someone my own age. Thanks for all of your input, it really means a lot.

[CD]

LOL, thanks, I guess that maybe true, as far as what some of you said, in particular Kut, my parents divorced when I was young. I can still remember my father promising to come visit with me and he never showed. Still breaks my heart that I know he'll never be dependable for anything. CD, I live in "charleston" area, that includes, summerville, mt pleasant, ladson and the surronding areas of goose creek and moncks corner, stalking me? LOL, that never crossed my mind. I have been to see 2 therapist, they gave me medication to deal with stress, never offered a cure, just the band aid to cover up what I was dealing with.
You cannot change what other people do. Only how you will respond. Your Dad not being there for you is something I'm sorry about. But it doesn't mean that you can't move on and not use that as a crutch.
No, I don't stalk anyone. I was hoping you'd say the upstate though since I know the area very well. I'm just glad you didn't say a backwater place. Since you live in the "Charleston" area which I'm unfamiliar with, I'm going to assume that it's close enough to offer you a variety of things similar to where I live. As far as the cure goes, you need to make peace with yourself. No drug or therapist can help you on this. You need to find what makes you happy, and this husband of yours is not it.

I've been depressed, I been sad, I know I deserve a lot better and I am talented beyond means and through God, I have been giving many talents that are being wasted. I know you are probably thinking is she is so "christian" then what the heck is she doing here? LOL, I ask myself the same thing. I don't think I am a bad person for being here on this site, it's not like I came her looking for porn ( no offense to anyone that did), hell, I watch it myself sometimes, but that has no bearing on my relationship with my God. My husband is the Second guy that I have ever been in love with. The first time I was in love was 10 years ago and it was wrong. I got my heart broken, different man, same drama. Before I go on, I must tell you that I am in my last year of residency. For all of you who don't know what that means, It means that I am a Doctor and when I finish this year and take the boards, I will be officially able to practice on my own. I've known all my life I wanted to be a Doctor and this is a dream come true.
I didn't judge you. I know a lot of the OGs didn't come here for the porn. What I do wonder about is the God part. You say that you are very religious and yet you are blind to your own feelings. You know the truth yet refuse to accept it.

I can't remember who said that "If he cared for you, you would be the gasp on his attention. If he has an easier time talking to co-ed friends and colleagues, then he is more interested in them. I am by no means trying to be mean, I'm just saying that someone who was in love with you would spend the time giving you the attention you need, be it physical or mental" I couldn't agree more but I have a hard time letting go. I've always wanted to get married once and stay married. Divorce for me was never an option. I always thought that if two people really loved each other, than there was nothing of this world that could separate them from each other.
"What you want is not always what you need, and what you need isn't always what you want." - CD
I read that as what you want is:
1) for him to change
2) to never get a divorce
3) for God to make things work
I read that what you need is:
1) to grow yourself as a person
2) to accept that it takes 2 to make a marriage work
3) to accept that he doesn't really love you

My husband is not what some would consider good looking, sex was mind blowing when we were first dating and now it's just "sex" he gets his and I gets nothing, lol, Looks for me never were an issue, I always looked beyond that into the soul. I would post a picture of us, but since he also comes here ( even though he's told me he has never heard of it) I would probably come up missing. LOL. I do have a myspace page and I'm only using it to network.
Well it looks to me as though his soul changed... and not for the better. It's time for you to do what you can to improve yourself. Work out to get in good shape... pamper yourself with a spa trip to release the tension in your life... pick up some hobby of sorts that doesn't involve your husband. Once your self worth has improved, I'll bet that he starts getting jealous. He doesn't want you to think well about yourself. He wants to keep you on his leash of sorts. You are his gravy train, and once you start to realize you don't need him, he's gonna freak. Oh... and no, you don't need him.

I guess I should have left when I noticed that he stopped wearing his ring, and sometimes would come home from work with it in his pocket. His "friend" used to call our home and hang up on me when she wanted to speak to him. She called him on his cell and told him that I answered, he then blew up at me for calling her back. Guess that was a major red flag. Text messages to other ladies, closing his emails whenever I come in the room, chatting with other women, I know all about it. I'm smart, I just save all the evidence for when I need it. I know that I deserve better than this. In my heart of heart I know that I am worth more than what I am being giving. I just love him and I guess that is why I'm still here. I guess that I am hoping that he changes like he promises that one day he will see that we made a commitment to God and each other and it won't be too late.
Funny thing is that I used to think that older guys were better for me. They seemed to have it all together, now I see that I was wrong, all the older guys I've been involved with have been the most immature and self serving B'S I've ever know. I think that If this doesn't work out I'm going to find someone my own age. Thanks for all of your input, it really means a lot.
How about this... does God want you to be happy? Do you think this is God testing you or do you think this is Satan seeing how long he can keep you next to his new friend (aka your husband)?
The way I look at it, you have 2 options here and I hope you take the 2nd one.

1 - You stay with your husband and die miserable. You try to change him, but have no way of actually making him want to change. Therefor, you go through life unhappy until you snap or become too depressed to function normally. Or he leaves you for whoever he's fucking now, and the marriage dies anyway, but on his terms, not yours.

2- You work out or take up yoga or something in your spare time. I assume you have some spare time, and better yet, do that during his time with his guy friends. You question your beliefs about you both pledging your lives together and look and see if one of you has not done a good job with that (him). Accept that most people do not change unless the rug is pulled out from under them and by staying with him, he will never change. Believe that God wants you happy, and even though divorce isn't something you want, there are a lot of grey areas in the Bible and this is one of them.

Case in point: Honor thy father... should you honor a father if he raped and beat his 6 month old daughter? What if he kept the rape going till she was 13 years old? Should you honor him? Because if the Bible has no grey areas, then you should. I don't want this to turn into a religious argument, but since you brought up your reservations according to your religious beliefs, I felt compelled to give you a counter example.

How about this point... I think you are with him still for the wrong reasons. You are scared that you won't find someone else. And a bad husband is still a husband, so this way you aren't alone and you can pray that you can change him to be the man you see in your dreams. Leave him... find out who you are... then find someone once you realize who you are and who can offer you the happiness you deserve.

[fmb]

cm8: I'd try to offer some additional comments to what CD has already spoken, but I don't think I could remotely offer anything as well spoken as CD did. Take some time and think about those things!

Glad to hear you are in the lowcountry area; your part of the state has so much to offer. Possibly, you have more options in your area than in the others (midlands and upstate) combined. Enjoy what is around you!

[maggiesdragons]

You are gonna have a new career soon. The way I see it is a new chance at life. New career, new money, new love, and no baggage.

I would end the relationship now, give your self some breathing room and time to regroup. Enter the world as Dr. cm8... single, sexy, and smart. You will have no problem finding a guy that is worthy of you, you just have to take the first step. Small steps are okay as long as they are in the right direction.

I also back CD, he is wise beyond his years. Read some old threads here and see how they turned out, Everyone always says that they should have listened to the advise they were given here. I think you will too in time.

[gen. cutter]

hmmmmm. tough spot. i am married but dont get everything i need from the relationship either. i can't imagine *actually* cheating but i fantasize about it all the time.

not just for the carnal sex with a stranger, like when i was single. but because at that moment the two of you are seriously interested in mutual attraction & mutual pleasure. the pleasure and urges seem to be one-sided since the birth of our child.

i wish i had some advice. but everything that is 'right' to say, has already been said by others. oh...it's soooooo easy to give good advice to other people isn't it? but when it is your life, somehow the rules should be allowed to bend, right?

no one wants to be a cheater. we wish we had everything we wanted at home, right. i am beginning to think the majority of humans should NOT get married- we just aren't wired for long-term, monogamous relationships. some people get lazy when they get comfortable. some of us get antsy. why does pleasure and excitement have to end? in the words of Chris Rock: "If it's not new, it's thru." you got to keep it new.

then my boss, married over 10 years and who had proclaimed to me just a few years earlier that his wife was his soul mate, shocked me the other day confiding that he believes his wife and he will probably part ways once the kids graduate high-school. shocking because i've been having the same thoughts myself but haven't verbalized them. i have no intention of fucking up my daughter's life because we made a bad decision. but i dream about being alone and free to pursue my own joy after she is grown. i am a sex addict, but i think i'd just assume be alone then live with someone who doesn't understand me, and then accept me with that understanding.

i think most humans feel alone most of the time. like no one completely understands them. it would be nice to find someone who at least accepts and enjoys you, even if they cannot understand you. too much to ask?

i don't think i'll ever marry again. and i dont think i'll ever advise anyone else to either.

this is not advice. but rest assured you are not alone.

[UrbanHustle]

LOL, thanks, I guess that maybe true, as far as what some of you said, in particular Kut, my parents divorced when I was young. I can still remember my father promising to come visit with me and he never showed. Still breaks my heart that I know he'll never be dependable for anything. CD, I live in "charleston" area, that includes, summerville, mt pleasant, ladson and the surronding areas of goose creek and moncks corner, stalking me? LOL, that never crossed my mind. I have been to see 2 therapist, they gave me medication to deal with stress, never offered a cure, just the band aid to cover up what I was dealing with.
I've been depressed, I been sad, I know I deserve a lot better and I am talented beyond means and through God, I have been giving many talents that are being wasted. I know you are probably thinking is she is so "christian" then what the heck is she doing here? LOL, I ask myself the same thing. I don't think I am a bad person for being here on this site, it's not like I came her looking for porn ( no offense to anyone that did), hell, I watch it myself sometimes, but that has no bearing on my relationship with my God. My husband is the Second guy that I have ever been in love with. The first time I was in love was 10 years ago and it was wrong. I got my heart broken, different man, same drama. Before I go on, I must tell you that I am in my last year of residency. For all of you who don't know what that means, It means that I am a Doctor and when I finish this year and take the boards, I will be officially able to practice on my own. I've known all my life I wanted to be a Doctor and this is a dream come true.
I can't remember who said that "If he cared for you, you would be the gasp on his attention. If he has an easier time talking to co-ed friends and colleagues, then he is more interested in them. I am by no means trying to be mean, I'm just saying that someone who was in love with you would spend the time giving you the attention you need, be it physical or mental" I couldn't agree more but I have a hard time letting go. I've always wanted to get married once and stay married. Divorce for me was never an option. I always thought that if two people really loved each other, than there was nothing of this world that could separate them from each other.
My husband is not what some would consider good looking, sex was mind blowing when we were first dating and now it's just "sex" he gets his and I gets nothing, lol, Looks for me never were an issue, I always looked beyond that into the soul. I would post a picture of us, but since he also comes here ( even though he's told me he has never heard of it) I would probably come up missing. LOL. I do have a myspace page and I'm only using it to network.
I guess I should have left when I noticed that he stopped wearing his ring, and sometimes would come home from work with it in his pocket. His "friend" used to call our home and hang up on me when she wanted to speak to him. She called him on his cell and told him that I answered, he then blew up at me for calling her back. Guess that was a major red flag. Text messages to other ladies, closing his emails whenever I come in the room, chatting with other women, I know all about it. I'm smart, I just save all the evidence for when I need it. I know that I deserve better than this. In my heart of heart I know that I am worth more than what I am being giving. I just love him and I guess that is why I'm still here. I guess that I am hoping that he changes like he promises that one day he will see that we made a commitment to God and each other and it won't be too late.
Funny thing is that I used to think that older guys were better for me. They seemed to have it all together, now I see that I was wrong, all the older guys I've been involved with have been the most immature and self serving B'S I've ever know. I think that If this doesn't work out I'm going to find someone my own age. Thanks for all of your input, it really means a lot.

You can't be happy with someone else, unless you're happy with yourself. Therapy will only help you, not solve anything. It's upto you to solve your own problem.

On a side note, quit bringing up God. God said once you're married, you're married for life. You're apparently looking elsewhere.

[kulotsalot]

Here's my official diagnosis. Hopefully you're not doing you residency in Psychiatry. :tongue: I haven't memorized my DSM codes yet...

OK so based on your brief description of your childhood, it seems like you learned early on that "men will disappoint you" and "they cannot be dependable" and you are continuing this pattern with your husband. You subconsciously (?) chose to marry a guy who has the same traits, hoping that this one (unlike your father) will actually pull through for you. Unfortunately, that isn't happening, and this is eroding your relationship with him. So point # 1 is that you probably should not have married someone like your dad, and # 1.5 is that now that you are married to him, you probably shouldn't try to expect him to behave any differently than your dad did (i.e. not coming through for you).

The second issue is the whole Christianity/divorce thing. I know that divorce is frowned upon and I understand that most people (Christians or not) do go into their marriage hoping that it lasts. However, if you are "married and looking" then I don't see how that is any more (or less) Christian than being "divorced and looking" so that is one thing to think about. You say that "I always thought that if two people really loved each other, than there was nothing of this world that could separate them from each other," but the problem is that it doesn't seem as though your husband really loves you. At least he doesn't act in a loving way towards you. So I know it hurts but that statement doesn't really apply to your situation anymore.

The last thing (and probably most important) is that yes, you love him, clearly you love your religious path, but you must also love yourself, so you'll need to balance those three things in order to live a happy, healthy life.

(CD - that book deal? Should I contact our publisher?)

[cm8]

Thanks to all for all of your comments. I decided to take the higher road and just do me. I will not cheat, I owe it to myself and God to do better and if that means that I must leave then I will. I am getting my things in order and I just wanted to stop back by and say thanks, I truly mean and appreciate the perspectives that were given to me, by the way, my field of study is with children.....not adults, those people are crazy! LOL, J/K

Have a great day, ps, I just had to pray and pray and ask God for peace and to know that what ever decision I make it will be the best one for me....... Thanks again....

[slick962002]

you could do worser things... I don't think there is much harm in just talking

[CD]

Thanks to all for all of your comments. I decided to take the higher road and just do me. I will not cheat, I owe it to myself and God to do better and if that means that I must leave then I will. I am getting my things in order and I just wanted to stop back by and say thanks, I truly mean and appreciate the perspectives that were given to me, by the way, my field of study is with children.....not adults, those people are crazy! LOL, J/K

Have a great day, ps, I just had to pray and pray and ask God for peace and to know that what ever decision I make it will be the best one for me....... Thanks again....
Thanks for the update. And don't be afraid to stop back by here and keep us up to date. Hope things go well for you from here on out.