I need an outside opinion PLEASE.

[Melciah]

Hi my name is Robby. I am 23 years old, and currently living with my sister again. I have 2 older sisters and a younger brother. Brother is 3 years younger than me. My parents were going through a divorce and my mom was a heavy drinker. My oldest sister joined the military when she was 18 and was away. She eventually came back and got my brother and sister because they could not handle what our parents were doing to each other. I chose not to go with them at that time. This was when i was 13. A few years go by and my mom got worse, would go out to bars and pick up men, come home drunk and start cutting her arms up with a razor saying she wishes she was dead. My dad would make me go to my room and lock the door while they would fight.

Depression set in over time and i was constantly skipping school and being self destructive in general. At the age of 16 my dad asked my sister that was in the Air force to come get me She lived in Idaho at the time. That i was a lost cause. In our family there was never, an i love you, a hug. We were my dad's second set of kids, and he was in his 40's when i was born. Never got to go fishin once or played catch. I resented him for that, but i bottled it up. Anyhow a few years pass and my sister gets into financial trouble, so i end up dropping out of school to help out at her house, and pretty much become stuck for a few years. She and her husband are military - and would take rotations deploying, and they were pretty bad off with bills, so could not afford day care. I kept getting empty promises about how once everything got straight they would help me get out on my own.

Finally at age 22 i made my break away from them and went back down to my home state florida ( Was up in idaho for years with sister). I get my own place and find a dinky job at wal mart because i have no education. I met a wonderful woman Kayleen, who i wanted to spend the rest of my life there. Two years younger, going to college and a decent head on her shoulders. She eventually moved in with me and everything was awesome for 4 months. We even bought dorky little promise rings. And then my sister came-a-callin because her husband was goign back to Iraq for 9 months driving convoys. I felt deep down that i owed it to her to help her since she was there when my dad did not want me at 16. So i went back, leaving the woman i loved behind because my sister refused to let me bring her. It was the worst mistake of my life.

Sister told me she would let me get a job if i just helped out with the kids and i could go visit Kayleen, who wrote me all the time, sent me pictures, and was just a wonderful wonderful woman to me when i was away. A few months into it, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and her current boyfriend kicked her out. So i go down to bring my mom up and get her stuff going. But shortly after she is moved in, she treated me the same as when she was fucked up years earlier. Putting me into a huge huge depression, to where i started being hateful to kayleen and just wishing my life would end. I started ignoring the woman of my dreams, and let my life wither away for the past 9 months. Every time i tried getting a job my sister came up with reasons not to , because my mom refuses to help out by getting kids at school and watching them for a few hours.

My family does not know that i have had herpes since i was 13. And i gave it to Kayleen, who bless her heart, loved me no matter what was wrong with me. She is the only person that i have ever told that i had that. My family looks down upon anyone with STD's, my dad is 70 years old, and one of the more racist prejudiced people around. My family looks down upon anyone that is suicidal though they do not talk about my mom because me and my dad were the only ones to be around for that bullshit she did. So i have not told anyone how depressed i truly am. So many times i have wanted to just let it all out and just cry, but i have never been able to release it.

I know i probably seem pathetic, being 23 and doing nothing with my life but being a servant to others, and losing Kayleen two months ago due to me being unable to stand up to my family. I still love her very much and can't stop thinking about her. She is seeing a nice guy who is everything i am not, going to college like her etc. She says she still loves me, but i do not want to force her to choose to destroy what she has now, i am the one that abandoned her and treated her like shit due to my fucked up issues.

In two weeks i am going back down to Florida, i want to get a GED and try to make something of my life, or at least try. My family has told me to stay away from Kayleen and that if i leave i will no longer exist to them. But deep down in my heart, i know that if i stay, i will always regret not going and TRYING to make something of myself and trying to reclaim the one woman i love.

I do not have a car because when i went to help my sister this past year she convinced me to sell my truck in florida and she'd help me finance a newer model which never happened. I will be relying on friends for a place to stay, and riding a bike to a job and to the adult Classes. I know i am the one that has messed up my life and should not blame a controlling family or anything like that. But i am doing the right thing aren't I? By breaking free and going to try and make something of myself right? I just fear that if i stay here i will not ever do anything with my life and just wither away or end up dead. I just need people's opinions, an outside view on what is the right thing to do in this situation honestly.

Thanks for taking the time to read about my life Guys.

[maggiesdragons]

you have a very messed up family, just ignore them, if your sister really needs help she will learn to swim. Do the right thing for you, get set in your ways and don't look back. if they can not accept you for who you really are then forget them.

[kulotsalot]

In two weeks i am going back down to Florida, i want to get a GED and try to make something of my life, or at least try. My family has told me to stay away from Kayleen and that if i leave i will no longer exist to them. But deep down in my heart, i know that if i stay, i will always regret not going and TRYING to make something of myself and trying to reclaim the one woman i love.



You know, with your description of your family, that sounds more like a positive than a negative.

Focus on small steps (get to Florida, then get GED, then get a job, etc) rather than one grand plan (go to Florida and somehow win back the woman of your dreams and live happily ever after) that way you don't feel too bad when there are set backs and you have clearly defined achievable goals to make you feel good about yourself.

Surround yourself with good friends and make them your new family. Talk to them about your family problems and in a way use them as pseudo-therapists so that you can process your anger etc. BUT only do this sparingly; if you do it too much you will lose your good friends and 'burn them out'.

Try to find support groups for depression, if there is a toll free hotline or whatever when you are feeling especially down USE IT. It would be great if you could actually see a doctor and possibly be given the right meds for it but I understand health care is expensive, so if that is not possible, like I said use your friends sparingly, find a hobby or something that will help you process the feelings. Keeping it all in will only harm you, not help you.

Good luck and if you need to talk we are always here.

[Sagaris]

Robby, sounds like you're beginning to make the right choices.

Wishing you the Best of British ( LUCK ) ,and remember the bad times help you appreciate the good. Craig :)

[CWB]

a little "qualification" here ... i have been a continuously sober member of AA for 21 years ... beyond that , no lengthy rationalizations .

i would strongly suggest that you get into therapy of some kind and maybe even join "alanon" (it is for the "victims" of alcoholics) ... one costs money and the other is free .

[number1mikafan]

My two cents....if it's worth any.

I'm a 22 year old college student.

It';s really hard with all the bullshit your family has put yopu through. I can't really give you any advice there. I don't have that situation.

But what I can do is use my education and life expierences to give you some advice.

Your mother. Honestly dude, she sounds f***ed up in the head so much that you may just have to fold your hand. SHE is the adult and, believe it or not, YOU are the child. The child should have to look up at the parent, not prop them up. Still be supportive, have a meal when you're in town, visit, whatever. But if she asks you to live w/ her or move in with her, respectfully say that you need your own space.

Your father. Noone is as racist as my grandfather who thinks that "n*g*ers are destroying every other community in the united states because they're just about complete ruining their inner cities and nig-retos (a combination of n*g*er and ghetto). And when I brought my black GF (at the time) home for thanksgiving he said "nice to meet you, you seem like a nice tree-climber." Yeah, I trumped your ace lol. If you want to have a relationship with him, don't tell him. What he doesn't need to know won't kill him. It sounds like he's not the greatest guy ever but if you wanna keep in touch, I wouldn't change a thing about your relationship. If you want to change it, then you'll have to talk with him. If you do talk with him, do it somewhere public, like a restaurant or coffee shop. This will keep his reactions in check and give him tine to vent before you have another 1 on 1 talk.

Your sister seems like what i call a half and half. What she did for you was great, but then she exploited you. Pardon my French, but she smells like a rat. I'd keep in contact but I'd do nothing she tells you dto do because it's in the best interest of HER. Not the family unit.

Kayleen: read my lips (or type for the matter); F**K THE CURRENT BOYFRIEND. TAKE HER BACK. I've gone nowhere in life being 100% right, just, and moral. She SAID she still loves you bro, thats a hint. And two months isn't totally a long time. Tell her you want her back, then, if she wants you back she'll go to you, if not, she'll stay w/ her BF. Not normal I'd advise a guy to put the ball in the womans court, but on this one, I would.

Overall your family: Be in contact, but don't be involved. Uneducated, working at Wal-Mart, at 23. You obviously don't want that from your life so do as kulotsalot said, take baby steps. Get your education, go to college if you can, get a better paying job, get the girl back. Don't let ANYTHING hold you back.

I'm sorry if I've offended you or anyone with this post. Best of luck.

[Melciah]

Wow, first off, thank you guys for all of the responses, it means a lot. Kulots i think i see what you mean about the goals, not to strive for everything at once to risk it exploding in my face and put myself in a spiraling sinkhole.

And to number1mikafan I think our dads would get a long great. My dad has already threatened my brother who is in the navy about bringing home a black woman.

As for Kayleen, we have been talking off and on the past few days, me trying to give her space and not weasel back into her life because of how i once was. Her family has threatened her if she took me back already. They hate me with a passion for passing on to their daughter a STD and not being a better man in general to her. I do not blame them one bit and that has me at a standstill. I already told her that if she wanted me, i would do everything i could to become who i was once to her.

Which created trouble for her because i guess last night, she asked the guy she was seeing what he thought about her letting me move back in, and they got into a huge fight because he said he knew she was still in love with me. I did not ask her to do that for me because i already told her i would not tear apart something she had going on in her life.

I would not be so hung up on her if she just wasnt such a gem. I have never ever met anyone as unique as her. When we were together i was on a graveyard shift and she accustomed her schedule so that she would sleep in with me since she had an evening job. She would wait up for me to come in on my 2am lunch breaks just to talk, sometimes even dress up!!!!. It felt like we were married, which is a very nice warmth to feel. I know that can be criticized as me being naive or a puppy love. But i just cant ignore the possible future we COULD have if i was to fight for it, or just let it completely go and always wonder what could of been. I will leave it to her.

I leave for Florida within two weeks to give life a go. As i said earlier, thank you all very much for taking the time to read about my life and give me insight. It will not go unused.

[kulotsalot]

I just have to give you a word of caution about the whole Kayleen thing.

It's great that you two really have a connection, however, keep in mind that:

1. The first few months/years of a relationship is called the 'honeymoon' stage for a reason. Make sure you can be there for her when it gets rough. Make sure you don't bail on her again when your family starts pressuring you. Oh yeah, this doesn't just apply to Kayleen, but any other girl you may end up with in the future.

2. It is not uncommon for girls to adjust their behaviour according to the guy's background (or you can call it baggage, whatever). I know I've done it. The first few months or years are usually like that (see point 1) where we can be really understanding and accommodating, etc. For a person with your family history, this can be like water for a guy stranded in the desert. Try not to project your familial/motherly needs on her (need for approval, need for validation, etc) that you probably won't be getting from your mother. This will ruin your relationship for sure. She sounds like a gem which is awesome, however, realize that things can change so you will have to step up to the plate and deal with your inner demons so that when the time comes that she is becoming less malleable to your needs, you don't really need her support that much anyway, so it'll all work out.

I hope I am making sense here...

[kitty24k]

Your family sounds messed up!
Kayleen does love you, she wouldn't talk to you if she didn't.
Why is it she couldn't move with you?

[number1mikafan]

For Kayleen's family, if you get back with her. Man up.

Talk to her father, beg for some time, at the house, and tell him your feelings and apologize for every bad thing you've done to her that you know they know about. Tell a brief synopsis of what your life was like and tell them how she's been so amazing in your life. They will never like you, but a talk like that will make them at least tolerate you.

[kulotsalot]

For Kayleen's family, if you get back with her. Man up.

Talk to her father, beg for some time, at the house, and tell him your feelings and apologize for every bad thing you've done to her that you know they know about. Tell a brief synopsis of what your life was like and tell them how she's been so amazing in your life. They will never like you, but a talk like that will make them at least tolerate you.

Actually I think maybe taking solid steps in the right direction (job, GED, solid finances, etc) coupled with 'the talk' might be really effective! Show them you're not just saying you'll do it, you're actually doing it! You're making your life better!

[number1mikafan]

So wise so wise. Now we know why I'm single haha.

[kulotsalot]

I'm single, too. :)

[Sagaris]

Married 22 years.........don't overanalyze......especially the opposite sex :kiss:

[shiiboi]

I read all the paragraphs in your post very carefully, but there's only one that is important:

Depression set in over time and i was constantly skipping school and being self destructive in general.
The damage your family did to you was to rob you of your sense of personal power. When you were young and dependent on them, you actually were powerless to change your situation. You are an adult now and can take control of your life, but you still think your are powerless.

That frustration is the source of your depression, and your depression poisons your ability to see things clearly and take the actions you need.

You can't change the past-- it's gone forever. But you are making your future right now, by every decision and action you make.

As others here have advised, if you can, seek medical help for your depression. A little cognitive therapy and the right meds can make amazing improvements in your outlook on life, which, in turn, can give you the courage and personal power to make the changes you want in your life.

If it's not possible for you to get professional help now, because of money, etc., then you might want to try self-medicating with some herbal anti-depressants. Start with St. John's Wort.

Get the following books from your local library and READ them:

"A guide to rational living" by Albert Ellis
"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Steven Covey
"Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw

Good luck.

[msub]

Get your GED, enroll at a community college, and use it as a gateway into one of the several public universities in Florida. I believe UF automatically accepts transfer students from junior colleges, so most likely all the state schools will too. And also remember that you can get financial aid in the form of federal Pell grants, for which you can apply online at the government's FAFSA website. There are also other venues of financial aid other than loans out there too - look for them.

Good luck.

[anamarie.villar]

Take the positive side of it. Youlive a very messy life but have you realized the good effect on it in your life? The situation made you stronger and mature enough to face life.

[yellowfish]

dude be the change you want in the world
if they (the parents) want to never see you again then so be it
they suck i meen literaly suck all you life from you

my logic is if some one isnt giving as much as they take then they are totaly unballenced and a unsteady influence in your life

send them a christmas card each year with no return adress and know you have done your best

[rejekt]

Alright dude, I gave the "love of your life" my opinion and advice.

and now it's your turn.

1. Im sorry you have a messed up family, that can be hard.. But it seems your sister has dicked you over enough.

2. If you love your girl enough you would save up some money, Jump on the hound, get your ass back to her, stand outside her window at night, throw small rocks at her window until she woke up and opened it, tell her how you feel - and get on with your life.

Only you can change your life. So do it or dont.

You can't just talk about it.

[gen. cutter]

from personal experience:

ignoring your family, who is taking advantage of you whether or not you realize it, is what is required at this time. people will learn to swim or float, as someone else said, without you around to dive in after them.

YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT YOURSELF AT A TIME LIKE THIS.

you cannot carry the weight of your family. right now you're thinking that i dont know who your family is and why they deserve your support. but you're wrong. i do know.

what you do not know is that if you disassociate yourself from them and build your life up to where you are holding down and taking responsibility for yourself, they WILL forgive you one day (when YOU decide to enter back into their lives) for leaving to handle your own. and during that time, they will survive and be stronger for not leaning on you again. believe me.

these are tough decisions and that's what being an adult means. good luck.