My wife rarely wants to have sex

[nlatt]

Ok, this is obviously a common problem. But, I need some advice anyway. We will be married for 2 years this coming January and have been together over 5. She rarely initiates sex and often complains of "not feeling good, or being tired." I honestly can't remember the last time she said, "I feel great!" I will also add that she admits to being depressed. This is something that I deal with every day. Honestly, in the past week, it has started to affect me. I've always been an incredibly optimistic and outgoing guy. I just started a great new job last month that gives me a lot more time for us to spend together.

If I'm lucky, we'll have sex MAYBE once a week. Many of you married guys probably think thats not too terrible. But, I also feel like I do all the work. I lick her pussy (because I enjoy it) and I kiss and massage her all over. She despises giving blowjobs (which I have slowly begun to accept) and really dosen't seem to be too intereted in sex. In fact, I think she feels that me having sex at all is more than enough to satisfy my desires. Well, simply put, it isn't. I will also add that she has told me that "when I mention how often we do it, it makes her want to do it less." I have tried to breach this conversation and have no officially given up.

Obviously our relationship is much more complex than these two paragraphs, but I need some advice. I love her to death, but am afraid the next 50 years of my life will be sexless. I have lots of fantasies that I imagined she would care that I want to try (anal etc.). But, at this point, that seems a REALLY long shot. PLEASE HELP!!!

[zxxsevenxxz]

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[zxxsevenxxz]

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[devi]

Well, i'm not married but i think i can still help. My advice: take her to a doctor. Depression decreases sex drive, among other things. Treating her depression may help her (and you) with sex.

[Devone16]

I agree.... I've been with my wife for about 9 years, and we have had good sex periods and almost 6 month droughts. There r alot of factors to deal with when considering a womans libido. She could feel inadequate or "unsexy". Sometimes talkin to her about it help, but you really have to sugar coat it and be willing to ask questions and listen to her. I know how you feel man.. hang in there, I know sometimes you feel like a rapist in your own house trying to PERSUADE you wife to have sex. Also you may have to accept the fact that she may not be a sexual person like you are. Either way, try some counseling if she is depressed. Find some really good books on bettering coulples sex. By the way how old is your wife???

[jeffc574]

Depression needs to be treated. It does not get better by it's self. She can start by talking with any doctor, they can steer her in the right direction. My company provides a free confidential conseling service. Maybe hers does as well.

Don't push the issue to hard, it will only make things worse.

[linthat22]

Talking is key, at least for my wife and I. Sometimes there could be another underlying problem that hasn't manifested yet. My suggestion, if ya'll don't have any kids. Clear off the dining room table, whip out a puzzle, get a bottle of wine, put on some soothing music, and just talk.

I noticed with the music going and the hands and eyes focused on a puzzle, it's not so "interrogating" and more relaxed.

That works for us. Good luck and I hope everything works out.

[TJones]

Good advice, so far...AND, definitely don't make it about YOU. Depression makes a person feel really crappy about themselves and very "un-sexy" ...a situation that is almost guaranteed to make her feel like it's all about you and your desires when you bring up sex.

Bottom line is you both aren't happy...and, the reasons are very related. Talk, talk, talk. Communication is key to a relationship. Have a night (or day) where she is the queen. Take her to dinner...go to a movie...get her a massage...whatever it takes to make her feel like you want to spoil the hell out of her...WITHOUT any strings attached...that is, at the end of the night, go jerk off if necessary, but don't force sex into it. If you can work some conversation about how she feels into the night, great...hear her out and encourage her to talk about how she feels **so you can figure out some strategies to help her.** DEFINITELY don't make it an issue where you want to help her so you can have sex, again.

It might be a long road and it might be a bumpy road...but, she needs your help as much (probably more) than you need hers, at this point. If your relationship is, or ever was healthy, you are probably the best person to help her.

[btlook1]

I feel for you dude, I have been married 16yrs. and my sex life couldn't be better. It's probably better now than it was when we were 25. I would definatly check on the depression thing. Could be she just doesn't like sex, I'm sure there are women out there that do not...although I haven't met many of them considering I'm married. Good luck!!!

[mntlfngrs]

I'm married 8 years, together 12. (OMFG!!!) and I would say 1 a week is quite poor. But I was in that boat for a while. Wife had thyroid problems and was tired and feeling not so good. Not to mention she had quite a few extra pounds after our child. Not feeling good and not feeling sexy is a killer in the bedroom. Turned out that she has quit taking the thyroid meds and feels much better.

Once piece of advice I have for all guys in a relationship. You may reconize it as a quote from the "THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG by Robert Anson Heinlein". I love Heinlien and think these are very true.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
Rub her feet.
Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers.

Not advise but a favorite of mine:
Darling, a true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires.

Anyway, when I started telling her how much she turns me on and how sexy I thought she was, she started to feel sexy. And that made all the difference in the world. She is still pretty vanilla when it comes to sex but were getting there. We usually have sex 5-7 times a week and while she doesn't "initiate" she throws her signals clearly. That to her mind is initiating but whatever, I'm not complaining!

[BillaBong6]

As already said, make sure ur wife knows (or at least thinks) that she is sexy. Self-esteem is a major part of having sex, especially for a depressed person. Have you ever tried the idea of watching pr0n together? It may be hard to talk about it, but my girl was actually very turned on by it and it allowed us to 'act out' somethings we were watching.

One a week is not enough. If it continues for awhile, and after having talked to her seriously about it, I would consult a sex therapist, because sex is a healthy part and should be an enjoyable part of marriage.

Also, try having sex at different times of the day. Sometimes women are 'hornier' in the morning for example. Also when ur visiting her cat, pay attention to her level of vaginal lubrication, as this is a major indicator of arousal.

If nothing works, give her a few drinks and see if that will take her edge off.

However, I would really talk to her about whats really on her mind, as it really seems like a psychological problem with her.

[weasel_ugs]

Is she taking borth controll pills? This may seem like a strange question, but they can totaly kill your sex drive (guess that makes them more effective)

worst part is, stoping them doesn't always work to bring it back.
Oh man not what I wanted to hear,I just got a vasectomy so she can go off the pill. We both hoped this would help her drive. Im in the same boat with the original poster except Im lucky if its every other month and Ive been married 16 yrs.

[TMack23]

While I agree that having her work with a doctor on her depression is paramount, you could also try running or working out with her if she will. Running is one of those activities that will get your blood pumping (endorphines too, which give you a good feeling) as well as put you back into shape increasing both of your physical attractiveness and maybe bring back that spark.

[Adenn]

I havent read all the replies so forgive me if this has been said...

1- See a Doc, it may be something more serious
2- Help her around the house, will make her not so tired and earn you bonus points
3- If she is on birth control, specifically the pill, try a different brand. A lot of pills cause problems with sex drive, different pills have different lvls of horomons (however the hell thats spelled).
4- Perhaps counsoling if everything else fails.

GL

[aaalouie]

Man....I am in the same boat.....My wife suffers fromdepression and has thyroid problems. Her sex drive is below zero.....

[cowboy085]

hey i really have no advice but i just wanted to say im sorry and wish you luck with the situation

[phylip]

be carefull my wife stopped having sex with me and 8 months later im without a wife and a house and 50 thousand worse off
and it came down to she wasnt happy any more and wanted a change but no ammount of talking would change her mind
also she said it wasn't me it was her she just wanted a change ( yeah whatever)

[jShizz]

Women's mind work on such an advanced level when it comes to sex. For me at least, I still am just as paranoid when we first slept together almost 10 years ago. Does he think I'm fat? Do I smell? Am I doing this right?

Just these few thoughts running through my head are enough to stress me out to not want to get down.

That's just the nature of a woman. On top of all that, we are mother's, daughter's, friends, and bosses, and that alone is enough stress to kill anyone.

I suffer from depression, and I take meds for it. It does affect my dex drive, it just takes a little longer fo rme to "get in the mood".

I am committed to my marriage and satisfying my husband, so it is something I make a priority in working on. I am sure people have already mentioned this, but communicating your unhappiness to her is a must. If she doesn't take it well, she needs help. You should be able to have open communication with her as to any issues, but specifically major issues that affect the marriage like sex.

Good luck.

[KidQ]

Ok - I have to put my .02 in because of my first marriage. Same story and it sounds like a lot of people are claiming same feelings...

Yes get her to a Dr. see if there is something with depression or hormonal.
Yes it is frustrating but no you cannot live the next 50 years like this because you will start to resent her and it will come out in your daily lives.
Yes get some counseling
Yes she still has a sex drive it is just dorment or horribly you just do not do it it for her :( sorry had to say that

All in all you have to carefully work through this mine field but just to give up on sex will not work - trust me

[arosch]

Hey,
I feel you...I've been married for 6+years...about a month after we started having sex (was a virgin...not anymore ;) she developed a condition called Vulvodynia (which is basicly 'painful vulva'). This condition was very difficult to diagnose and took 2-3years to name the condition. Lots of doctors just said "well, I don't know...it's all in your head." She couldn't go for a walk, take a bath, ride a bike, get/keep a job...she was practically allergic to her own sweat...this led to her becoming depressed for a number of reasons (not being able to get on with her life, "waisting" mine, not being able to satisfy herself/me, you get the picture).
We had to improvise 'loving' eachother because I couldn't help her, and it was difficult to get her into the 'mood' to provide 'assistance' to me as there were painful consequenses.
It was hard, but we made it through...and she/we still fight this illness as it is resistant to treatment...
I agree with the above posts, in that seeking the help of a therepist and/or doctor is certainly an option.
I don't know the specifics of your situation, however, when my wife's condition was really bad it was hopeless...she went to Mexico (Cancun) with her sisters (I was a little jelous) and it changed her life. Although the pain-condition was still lurking, the depression was slowly lifted.
Try to address the depression with lifestyle mods, like exercise, diet (complete, not fad shit), relaxation/stress relief. But nip that depression in the butt, because the longer it continues, the more resistant to treatment it becomes.
It sounds like you are caring life-partner, who is concerned and is seeking out help...
Just talk a lot, fall in love all over, find out what makes her hot...rediscover (that goes for her and you).
Sorry about the long post...hang in there...

[senseimike2007]

wow, an almost mirror image of my situation. Mine has started to improve tho, not by spending more time together, but by spending more interesting time together. instead of staying in, we go out, we hang out with friends together more now, some how this translate into more sex. Oh, I hate that damn line too, used to make me want to scream.

[PurpleButton]

Were you guys having a lot of sex before you got married? or you knew what you were getting into. she should see a doctor. women's libido's are easily affected by so many causes

[SPERMY]

I have been married for about 4 years and I am having the same problem. I have read most of the feedback and most of them sound great but be careful with depression medication most have sexual side effects

If she is on any meds. look up side effects.

[electstat]

before doing all the meds and doctor things, try something simple like going out on dates. Before getting married, it was something special to be with each other and then have sex. Now, you see each other all of the time and life gets in the way (bills, dishes, laundry). Go out on a date without worrying about normal life and see how it goes. It may not happen on the first night. After that, pick a night that will always be your "date night".

I've been married for 5 years and we have always had a date night. If anything, it gets us away from the house for a couple of hours.

[hugooo]

your wife isnt cool...

[anamarie.villar]

I wanted to raise my opinion on the point of view of the wife. Most of the times, a good sex will not sart from touching a woman. It has to start on the emotional side, find more time with her talking sweet things. Yes, sex is an expression of love, but there is more than that.

[dandm2003]

start leaving other women's phone numbers around the house. She'll get the hint quite fast...........just kidding ;)

[cm8]

I don't know what to say. I am kind of in the same boat except it's opposite, My husband is a lot older than I am and he is always tired to be with me, sexually, physically, emotionally, I on the other hand, love being with him whenever I can. I'm at the prime of my life and he has already been there done that so to speak. It is fustrating to say the least because I ALWAYS want it! I was used to getting it 6 times a day( vaginal, Oral). Maybe she has a Thyroid issues, or maybe she is depressed, has anything happen lately? Have you done anything that you should not have and she found out about it and doesn't know what to do about it? I get the " I' m tired " too, but he then goes and looks at porn and gets his rocks off and leaves me high and dry. It's so bad till I'm so numb on my clit from my pocket rocket, lol, so I can understand how you feel. I hope she gets better soon, that is no way to live in a marriage. I know, because I'm living it now. At least you like to eat her out too, my husband won't even suck my tits, it's all about him. I've stop giving him head since he won't take care of me, funny, he had no problem doing it to his mistresses, lol TMI

[UrbanHustle]

I've been married for 5-years, and haven't had sex with my wife for over a month. Keep in mind, I'm only 24 and she's 25. We don't really get along, and everytime I try to even touch her, she doesn't want anything to do with it. We've run into a problem or two, which is causing us to fall apart, but we also have a two year old together. I'm willing to suck it up for awhile, and hopefully in the end, it'll work out.

Some of you may say you wouldn't deal with it, but I think about it a little different. If we fight for a little while, and it doesn't work out, I'll have wasted a small amount of my life. If we fight for a little while, and it does work out, it'll all be worth it.

[bluebeefman]

Beat her up and force her into it on a regular basis.

Just kidding.

She's probably stagnate and bored. Which means you aren't very good at it. Introduce a new dynamic into the relationship. Maybe start fucking in public. Don't ask her, lead her sexually and try it spontaneously. If she isn't down she's fucking someone else.

[cookbritney]

oh wow..CM8 im so glad to hear someone else in my boat i have only been married..gosh not even a year an my hubby is the same... always too busy or too tired.... or he doesnt feel the moment.. as he says.... dont get me wrong when it does eventually come together its great.. but the waiting.. and wandering... what am i doing wrong.. its enough to make me crazy!..... hope to find a solution one day...lol I love him to bits and he is the most caring guy in all other ways..