mxpxbigd285
10-22-2006, 05:31 AM
I can't say that I know how to start this, exactly. I can't talk to my family about it, for fear of causing them to worry when I'm not sure its neccessary. Same reason I won't talk to my friends about it. I'm not even sure at this point that its a serious issue...which is where the anonymity of the internet starts to seem so appealing.
I am in the Navy. I recently finished my training and moved to Washington state, my first sea-command. I am from New Hampshire, which is also where my family resides. I have contact with my family and friends through phone and e-mail. I have made friends living in Washington (thankfully, a few people I went through training with arrived at the same time I did). I'm going on an 8-month deployment overseas soon (next stop, the Persian Gulf), and being in the Gulf or off the coast of North Korea doesn't worry me.
For the first time since the first two or three days of boot camp, I find myself unable to sleep at night, thinking about home, and how much I would give if I could just go back. To say I miss home can't begin to describe my feelings. I can't stop thinking about it, and its interfering with my everyday activities.
Now, I'm nearly positive that this isn't extraordinary. My greatest fear comes from my time off from work, my time alone. I guess the only word to describe what I feel is depression. Like I said, I have friends out here...but I still can't help but feel alone. Its to the point where I stay up at night and can't help but think about suicide.
Wait. Before anybody jumps on that word, i need to clear it up. I don't think about the act of killing myself. I am not going to kill myself. My cousin killed himself in his 20's. My father once left my family with nothing but a note to me mother with a strong implication that he was planning on killing himself. I have seen what suicide has done to my family and won't do that to them. I realize that killing myself would be the worst thing I could do, as it would put my home forever out of reach.
What I think about is the concept of suicide. Where someone would have to be mentally to actually commit the act. I think about my cousin. I think about my father. I think about it all. The reason I'm concerned is that it isn't a thought that passes by...I spend entire nights thinking about it, almost obsessively.
I hate to think that my problems are any different than other people's. I don't want special treatment. I don't want to be one of the people that makes up a psychological disorder to escape from the military (which is why I have yet to go to anyone in my chain of command).
All I want is to be sure that I'm not headed down a path that may leave my family one member short. I want to make sure that when my time in the Navy is up (3 years, 10 months, 18 days, and about 5 hours from now), I will be able to move back home and live the life I want to live.
Please, if all you're going to tell me is to "suck it up, do your time," don't post a reply. I'm not trying to get out. While I may regret my decision to join the military, I won't spend my time complaining about it. I know that it was my decision and it is my intention to do my 6 years and leave.
I don't even know that I'm writing this looking for advice. I just needed somewhere to write it down, with the hopes of other people reading it, without the concern of worrying my family or friends. Sorry if it was difficult to read...I tried to do my best with spelling/punctuation etc...
Goodnight.
I am in the Navy. I recently finished my training and moved to Washington state, my first sea-command. I am from New Hampshire, which is also where my family resides. I have contact with my family and friends through phone and e-mail. I have made friends living in Washington (thankfully, a few people I went through training with arrived at the same time I did). I'm going on an 8-month deployment overseas soon (next stop, the Persian Gulf), and being in the Gulf or off the coast of North Korea doesn't worry me.
For the first time since the first two or three days of boot camp, I find myself unable to sleep at night, thinking about home, and how much I would give if I could just go back. To say I miss home can't begin to describe my feelings. I can't stop thinking about it, and its interfering with my everyday activities.
Now, I'm nearly positive that this isn't extraordinary. My greatest fear comes from my time off from work, my time alone. I guess the only word to describe what I feel is depression. Like I said, I have friends out here...but I still can't help but feel alone. Its to the point where I stay up at night and can't help but think about suicide.
Wait. Before anybody jumps on that word, i need to clear it up. I don't think about the act of killing myself. I am not going to kill myself. My cousin killed himself in his 20's. My father once left my family with nothing but a note to me mother with a strong implication that he was planning on killing himself. I have seen what suicide has done to my family and won't do that to them. I realize that killing myself would be the worst thing I could do, as it would put my home forever out of reach.
What I think about is the concept of suicide. Where someone would have to be mentally to actually commit the act. I think about my cousin. I think about my father. I think about it all. The reason I'm concerned is that it isn't a thought that passes by...I spend entire nights thinking about it, almost obsessively.
I hate to think that my problems are any different than other people's. I don't want special treatment. I don't want to be one of the people that makes up a psychological disorder to escape from the military (which is why I have yet to go to anyone in my chain of command).
All I want is to be sure that I'm not headed down a path that may leave my family one member short. I want to make sure that when my time in the Navy is up (3 years, 10 months, 18 days, and about 5 hours from now), I will be able to move back home and live the life I want to live.
Please, if all you're going to tell me is to "suck it up, do your time," don't post a reply. I'm not trying to get out. While I may regret my decision to join the military, I won't spend my time complaining about it. I know that it was my decision and it is my intention to do my 6 years and leave.
I don't even know that I'm writing this looking for advice. I just needed somewhere to write it down, with the hopes of other people reading it, without the concern of worrying my family or friends. Sorry if it was difficult to read...I tried to do my best with spelling/punctuation etc...
Goodnight.