To divorce or not to divorce.....

[o2curius]

Okay so here it goes. I'm married to a nice woman but things aren't going too well right now and haven't been for the last 3 years. Here's the run down.
Been married for 8 years in October and things were great to start. We had my oldest daughter in 1999 and my youngest followed in 2004. I work at a great job for the largest Ag company in the world. I've been there a year now and don't plan on giving it up. My wife is a stay at home mom with my youngest and here is where things spirals rapidly.

When we got married I was a bit of a wild one, smoking the herb and drinking on weekends. I gave up the weed because I felt that I was done with that stage of my life. I had a job making around 20K a year ( not too bad for my experiance) and she had a job as a Ass. Mngr for a local gas station. We made good money for our ages and therefore we spend like we could. Her mother watched my oldest while we both worked, for free might I add. So flash forward to present time. Her mother passed on 2 years ago this month and I'm at this job making around 45K a year plus bonuses. She doesn't work so I'm supporting the 4 of us. It doesn't bother me that I am supporting my family but here's the kicker....she still insists on spending like a 2 income family. I've told her that we have to budget our money more and try to find deals on certain things but it's like talking to a brick wall sometimes. Here's my debt breakdown..

05 Chevy- 14K
97 Jeep- 4500
monthly bills $1250

I come home from work and the laundry isn't done, the house is a mess, there are sometimes dished to be done and I can get any of it done unless I bitch for 2 days. Granted that I'm not the best person to live with but WTF! does she do all day?! I told her I wanted to build a house in the country and that in order to do that we have to be on schedule with paying stuff off. Being the bread winner of the family and the head of household I would think that I made the major decisions for us. She doesn't want to move to the country cause it's too far from the city aka daddy, but would be closer to my work. It has to be a partiicular house we build. What about her friends. These are all things that IMO aren't the major concerns. She helps her aunt at a daycare for little to nothing and keeps talking about buying a new camper (which we dont have the $ for). She has all these plans for my bonus checks that don't include my ideas....

I'm sorry if this is too long but I'm at wicks end with this marriage. I don't want to run out on my kids but the stress is spilling onto them when I yell. My wife is a nice lady but there are things that irk me about the way she conducts herself. I make the money but she decides what we can/cannot afford. Help me out here guys, are you/have you been in a similar situation? How can I go about this without making my kids feel like crap? Is there even a way to get her to stop her controlling behavior? I have almost 8 years in this and just feel like the cut/run method is the only way to go some days.
Advice from you all is greatly appreciated.

[jeffc574]

Your money situation really does not look that bad. It is not the big ticket items. How often does she buy clothes? Kids can eat up money. The house cleaning is another matter. There are days when 2 kids means the house doesn't get clean. But it should get caught up. Try a counsuler. It may be free as a part of your benefits at work.

[shiiboi]

Hmmmm. 8 years, huh?

Did you ever hear of 'the seven year itch'? It's biologically normal for a male to begin feeling trapped after 7-8 years and think he wants to move on.

Does she know how you feel? it would be worth trying marriage counseling before giving up. You complain about her 'controlling' behavior, but don't give us any examples except how you wish you were able to 'control' her. You also say "WTF does she do all day?" She probably wonders the same thing about you.

[tech338]

...

[MikeFez1]

WELCOME TO THE GAME OF life!!!!

Fucker, why dont you help him out... I would go to marriage counseling, its the best decision I can think of... just get that woman to do some work around the house

[BackdoorJesus]

WELCOME TO THE GAME OF life!!!!

come on dude...don't be a wiseass in this forum...consider this a friendly reminder of where you are.

save the witty banter for Bottom Of The Hole

[kulotsalot]

Have you tried being a SAHD for just a week, caring for a 7 yr old and a 2 yr old... bet it's not easy. Kids tend to eat up a lot of time, and at the end of the day they're "unaccounted for" because you don't see concrete results, it was just "watching the kids". Not saying she is in the right, she *could* be a bit on the lazy side, but a common complaint from SAHMs is that their husbands go to work, put their 8 hours in, come home and think that their "job" is done, their wives should be geting them beers, setting the table, calling out dinner etc. A SAHM's job is NEVER finished, from the moment you wake up, til you get the kids in bed, and then there's your husband who's also wanting attention. From what I hear, it's much harder than a regular job, you can't just leave work behind and say I'M DONE after 8 hours of work. There was an article in the paper once, saying that if SAHMs were paid for everything they did, they'd earn around $200K a year. Who's the breadwinner now???

Anyway, go to a financial advisor/debt counselor type person and have a 3rd party help you two figure out what to do with your money. With someone mediating you're less likely to feel that you are "giving in" to the other person's wishes, which in turn will cause you to harbor resentment and ill will towards each other.

[thecowboy]

Exactly what Kulots said. I go to work all day and come home to things not being done all the time. I understand it's really easy to say: man, she didn't do shit. But then I remember she was also taking care of my daughter all day along with everything else she DID get done. That is job I honestly couldn't do everyday. I have to do it most Saturdays because that is when she works. Try taking the kids for just a Saturday while she is gone. It is really a humbling experience and I really think it will help you see where she is coming from.

[o2curius]

I understand that her job as a housewife isn't easy, hell, I've watched my kids for a while whilst she went out with her family. No, that job isn't easy. But now my oldest is back in school all day and I hope to see some different results. AS for the money, I became the #1 Dickhead yesterday. I informed her that we have until January to pay off my Jeep, that will get us back on schedule with the house being built next year. Not much of a struggle there. She tells me that moving to the country will be a bad move for her because she doesn't know anyone out there....why can't she meet new people out there? Looking at my last 4 weeks of bills, I'm pretty sure that if I take the budgeting over this week then we might be able to keep in the "happy" zone.

As for the deal with the SAHM making 200K if they were paid then we would have to deduct all the stuff they get in return... Mortgage, Gas/Electric, Fuel, Food, Water, Automobile....shell I go on. I'm not saying that housewives don't do their fair share..just that mine doesn't.

[kulotsalot]

I understand that her job as a housewife isn't easy, hell, I've watched my kids for a while whilst she went out with her family. No, that job isn't easy. But now my oldest is back in school all day and I hope to see some different results. AS for the money, I became the #1 Dickhead yesterday. I informed her that we have until January to pay off my Jeep, that will get us back on schedule with the house being built next year. Not much of a struggle there. She tells me that moving to the country will be a bad move for her because she doesn't know anyone out there....why can't she meet new people out there? Looking at my last 4 weeks of bills, I'm pretty sure that if I take the budgeting over this week then we might be able to keep in the "happy" zone.

As for the deal with the SAHM making 200K if they were paid then we would have to deduct all the stuff they get in return... Mortgage, Gas/Electric, Fuel, Food, Water, Automobile....shell I go on. I'm not saying that housewives don't do their fair share..just that mine doesn't.

You still didn't give us examples of how you think she is controlling you or "cheating" you in terms of housework etc.

Why are you building a country house when you don't have enough money to begin with?

PS Housewives who do their fair share of the work don't get all the stuff you mentioned "in return". Those are not things that they have to thank you for... just because you bring home a paycheque doesn't mean the housewife's contribution to the household doesn't have any value whatsoever. BOTH PARTIES earn those things, though in different ways. If the SAHM (or SAHD., for that matter) didn't SAH, you'd have to pay a maid to take care of the house, babysitter to take care of the kids, etc.

I still stand by what I (and everyone else) said - go to a counsellor, sort it out with a 3rd party mediator to reduce the ill will and negativity involved. Otherwise you're just playing a game of He Said - She Said, and whoever capitulates will harbor a certain amount of resentment for giving in.

[facepeeler]

money tends to be the killer in a marriage. It happened with my sister, where her husband was only making like $32k per year, and they had a 5 person household. He was the only one working, because he refused to let my sister work, she had to stay at home and take care of the chilluns. He kept wanting to go out all the time, go on these wild animal hunts, and shit like that. But they barely had money to keep food on the table and diapers on the youngest son. Im so skiddish about getting married because I use my parents as an example, they've been married for 27 years now. I don't want to be status quo and have a divorce under my belt. But at the same time, I keep myself from getting that far by finding flaws in a person that will just irk the shit out of me until I break up with them, sometimes they present those flaws to me on a silver platter, which just makes my job even easier.

[o2curius]

We had a good 1 on 1 this wekend and somethings have been said that need to be said. Thankyou to all for the pie..(humble that is). We sent the kids with our friends and hashed out some of the stuff that we've BOTH been bottleing up. She feels that moving next year would'nt be the best time because of the schooling schedule for my daughter. As I told her that it's not that I absolutely have to build next year but for my peace-of-mind, I need to have that mind set because if I don't I'll give up. It's the paying down of debt that I am striving for. Having both kids at home for the summer was wearing her down and she was relieved that my oldest started school again. She was able to get stuff done that she needed to. I asked her why she did'nt ask me for the help and she told me that with me working almost 60 hours a week she didn't want to piss me off. I explained to her that it makes it worst when stuff goes undone. We are working on a "chore" list for my 7 y.o to help us both out. With those things being done she will get "rewards", I know some people don't approve of a 7 y.o. doing chores but they're little things like putting dishes away, making her bed, picking up the playroom etc, etc...basically things that she should be doing anyways. The money thing is going to get better, we've worked out the big money debt that we have and decided that the O.T. money is going on those., living on 40 hours a week. So we've got this stuff worked out and now lets see if we can stand by it.

[kulotsalot]

We had a good 1 on 1 this wekend and somethings have been said that need to be said. Thankyou to all for the pie..(humble that is). We sent the kids with our friends and hashed out some of the stuff that we've BOTH been bottleing up. She feels that moving next year would'nt be the best time because of the schooling schedule for my daughter. As I told her that it's not that I absolutely have to build next year but for my peace-of-mind, I need to have that mind set because if I don't I'll give up. It's the paying down of debt that I am striving for. Having both kids at home for the summer was wearing her down and she was relieved that my oldest started school again. She was able to get stuff done that she needed to. I asked her why she did'nt ask me for the help and she told me that with me working almost 60 hours a week she didn't want to piss me off. I explained to her that it makes it worst when stuff goes undone. We are working on a "chore" list for my 7 y.o to help us both out. With those things being done she will get "rewards", I know some people don't approve of a 7 y.o. doing chores but they're little things like putting dishes away, making her bed, picking up the playroom etc, etc...basically things that she should be doing anyways. The money thing is going to get better, we've worked out the big money debt that we have and decided that the O.T. money is going on those., living on 40 hours a week. So we've got this stuff worked out and now lets see if we can stand by it.

Kudos on getting your kid involved in the house work. It will not only lighten your load a little bit, but it will teach your daughter the value of hard work and hopefully she'll not grow up as "daddy's little princess" and a spoiled brat.

[lovesit]

Wow, a lot of work got done in just the four days since you posted. This ought to be a great example of how talking (while keeping an open mind) can help you get to the bottom of many problems.

Best of luck. Sounds like you're headed in the right direction.

[gamble61]

I struggle with the same shit...but far worse than you....divorce is a huge decision....especially after 21 years.....I am glad to see that your discussions have resulted in a move in the right direction...I only wish mine would....your priorities are your babies...just do right by them...that way there will be no regrets....

[loungenic]

Been there from the other end.

I was the wife aka. sugar mamma.

I left after 7 1/2 years (16 years together total). We were high school sweethearts, but we had no children. Always think of the kids when deciding to leave. Would there environment be better if you and your wife weren't together?

[expatriate]

I've been in the same situation. It doesn't get any better. I got out but each person has to make their own decision. The big difference was that I didn't have kids.

[Conan9]

It sounds like you need some family counseling. Perhaps this will help get things back on track. You seem like a good husband and Father. From personal experience I can tell you that the job as a full time Mother is more difficult than we males often can relate to. I cannot imagine myself staying at home 24/7 and maintaining the house, kids and the role of a good mate as well. It would not only be confining (which most males cannot relate to) but B O R I N G. I imagine she is feeling pretty worthless as a result. Perhaps she needs a little less criticism and a little more praise from you. Keep in mind when you have kids the parents needs and wants always fall down in importance to the needs of the kids. Kids basically want security, love, attention, support and a feeling of value to turn out ok. Please don't lose sight of priorities. If you love her and your kids I would suggest that you already have what is important. Figuring out a way to bring it back to where it was is going to be difficult but worthwhile. Drop your attitude, ego, demands and criticisms at the door before you enter and listen carefully to what she is saying and doing.

Good luck.

[jasefm]

I'm a licenced P.I.
What would your life be like without your wife and kids?
Do you understand how much alimony you are required to pay?
A divorce will cost at least $3,500 without complications.

I see worse on a weekly basis. Doing what I do makes me value what I have at home.

[pobo827]

go to a marriage counselor

[hooliganskin]

I was married for 5 years, things went bad, i decided to leave, she found out she was pregnant, i stuck it out for another two years, we tried to spice things up (in a big way, role play, etc, just totally off the wall shit, i won't fuck you up on details...), I looked after my beautiful son during the day while she went to work, then i went to work at night, any time we were together, we either fucked or faught... i decided that even though we had a kid, it was best to leave while he was young, he'd never know of us as a couple, better being brought up with us apart, than brought up with us fighting... my divorce came through a month ago, she's re-married already, my life is a mess, she gives my son stability, if you're gonna leave her man, do it because you have to, not because you're having an off period, the stuff the ex and i tried in order to try and re-ignite the passion didn't really work for us (although opened my eyes big time!) but sometimes it works for others, if you love her, try and do something, if you don't love her, you shouldn't be with her my friend... good luck, this stuff is never easy!

[yellowfish]

i feel ur pain we are a 1 income family and it aint a great income but i have been making my way up the ranks to a better pay
some days i come home to nothing done
some days i go berserk
some days i say "ill take the lil one for a walk and that will give you time to finish what you need to" then add "when i get home i will cook dinner if there are clean dishes"

see i work 9 hours a day and when i get home its my job to bath the lil one brush her teeth, get her dressed for bed then read a story.
when im done i cook dinner
and in the morning i wake first to make the bottle and change the first nappy

so what im getting at is the more you do for your wife the more she appreciate what you do but if you love her go to a counceller and make it work