Adultery

[huckleberry]

I’m 18, Senior in high school about to graduate. My parents haven’t always got along just like any family but for a while now my mom always bitches at my dad. Just recently my mom started acting strange and I had suspicions of her cheating. Well last Wednesday I put a key logger on my computer this particular key logger takes pictures on every website visited. Well my mom stayed home on Thursday and I was able to confirm my beliefs and I now know my mom is cheating on my dad with another guy. I'm only 18 though I don’t know what to do or say... Should I tell my older brother (were not very close) should I tell my dad, Should I confront my mom or even black mail her next time she talks about me smoking pot. I have a feeling that them getting a divorce is inevitable which is sad because I hate to see my dad treated with disrespect when he tries so hard to make her happy and now he might be alone. He has even made the comment to me that he thinks she trying to run him off at which point I hide my face. Please anyone with any experience, advice, and even a comforting post please reply.

-Thanks, Huckleberry

[justlookn]

go with what your heart tells you to do. I would not have put myself in the position to find out about that in the first place. You know now so just do what your heart tells you. It is going to have to get worse before it gets better. Good Luck.

P.S.
I would tell your dad and try to keep as many people out of the loop as possible. This way no one can resent you for putting their business on the street if you know what I mean. Just make sure you are positive of what you think you know before you say anything to anyone. There are some things you just can't take back.

[coward]

How's your relationship with your mother? Could you ask her to talk to your father about it, and tell her that either she needs to tell him or you will? I agree with the earlier post though, that there really are some things you can't take back, and that there are some things you can't un-know. But you know now, so do think things through before you say anything. But, you certainly do have my sympathy. I'm watching my roommate go through something similar, and we're a similar age. It's never easy, but somehow especially tough at this age. Sorry

[kwyk]

I say coward has it right. You have to confront your mom with what you know and give her a chance to come clean with your dad. If there is any hope for them salvaging any kind of a relationship out of this (never mind whether they split up or not; I'm just talking about civility) she needs to find the self-respect and respect enough for him to tell him herself. And the same goes for her and you. If you tell dad, then your mom can pretty much kiss any respect she might have from you goodbye forever. If she tells him, there is a glimmer of hope for both you and her, and him and her.

[Cinnamon]

I'm bitter about civility in divorce. I've been the civil one and he's been a bastard. I never cheated, so our grounds for divorce are different. I don't know if I would confront the mom, I think cheating is one of the most disrespectful and heartless things a person can do. I would tell dad, but I would do it tactfully to try to spare as much of his feelings as possible. It all depends on your relationship with your parents. What does your heart tell you. And I have to agree, keep as many people out of it as possible.

[mtd]

definitely not the blackmail route

[Jimi]

Putting a keystroke lgger on to spy on your mom is absurd. It's none of your business to spy on your mom. If you have suspisions, say something, but don't fucking stalk your mom.

[huckleberry]

Putting a keystroke lgger on to spy on your mom is absurd. It's none of your business to spy on your mom. If you have suspisions, say something, but don't fucking stalk your mom.

Why should'nt I? She has people watching me at school keep tabs on me and she told me she had evidence I had a pipe for marijuana. If she keeps tabs on me I'm keeping tabs on her.

[Jimi]

She's your mom. You're not her dad. You are her responsibility as her child. She is not your responsibility. Spying on your mom isn't only creepy, it's not your place.

[thecowboy]

I'd have to agree with Jimi on this one. It is definitley not your place where it is your moms place to keep tabs on you.

Blackmail would definitley be out of the question. My advice is to talk to your mom first. There is nothing worse than having rumors being spread around the family. Just tell her that you're going to tell your dad but wanted her to know first. Good luck, I'd have to say you're in a pretty bad situation.

[kwyk]

She's your mom. You're not her dad. You are her responsibility as her child. She is not your responsibility. Spying on your mom isn't only creepy, it's not your place.


Sounds to me like mom isn't, quite possibly, all that responsible. The keystroke logger is a bit weird, but I don't think there is anything wrong with kids doing their part to keep parents in line. I've known alot of kids alot more together than their parents.

[CWB]

i agree with the premis that jimi and a few others have stated .

in this instance , installing a keylogger is not only morally incorrect but i also would question the legality of it .
you are 18 ... a legal adult ... however , when you live under someone elses roof it is "their house/their rules" , there are some "unspoken" rules as well . respect of privacy comes to mind ... the relationship between your mom and dad is just that ... between them . why they do as they do is their business .

you mentioned blackmailing your mom ... this is better known as extortion/coersion ... the last i knew these were felony offences . the calculated use of an instrument (keylogger) in this act would indicate malice and aforethought ... not to mention opening yourself to lawsuits from those individuals who's activities were recorded without their consent .
morally speaking , blackmailing your momma is just wrong ... and most likely would make the situation worse ... add fear , spite and distrust to the mix .

personally speaking here , i would keep this information to myself ... it would do no good to say anything to your dad . even if it got to the point where it went to a court of law (divorce) , the manner in which you obtained the information would preclude any mention of it .
it is a tough spot you are in ... i make no bones about that ... you are old enough to have an understanding about what is going on . i found myself in the middle of a parental relationship going/gone bad when i was much younger than you .
an important thing to remember is to not create or do things that you will regret later on ... as long as your slate/side of the road is clean , this is what will count the most ... and will go a long way to helping you out later on in life . a very wise person told me many years ago ; "once you know something , you are responsible for that knowledge" .

good luck ... cooler heads will prevail .

[kwyk]

Telling your mom that you feel your father should know, and that you'll give her a chance to fess up before you tell him yourself is hardly extortion or blackmail. On the contrary, it shows respect for both parties. You're giving her the chance to be a responsible person, and you're respecting the right of your father to know that she is is not being honest with him.

[Lucky13]

If your mom is cheating, and you think a divorce is inevitable then it probably is. What will happen is your mom will say your dad was never a good husband, and like always happens, the guy will get screwed in the deal and probably end up in a bachelor apartment without the car or the house eating pork and beans paying alimony to the bitch that screwed him. He'll claim it was her fault because of infidelity but not be able to prove it and she'll deny it. SAVE those keylogger pages and give them to your dad, have him give them to his lawyer. Let him get the jump on things. If divorce is inevitable, at least give your dad the chance at the upper hand so she doesn't get his cash as well as disrespecting him like that.

[BackdoorJesus]

true it sucks that you did the keylogger thing, however what's done is done & you know what you know - no need to beat yourself up (or let others do it for you), just don't do it again because it really isn't cool.

Having said that, I would go on to say that I assume you love both your mom & your dad. As such, you would not be out of place in confronting your mom, but ONLY to give her the opportunity to come clean with dad. Do not capitalize on the confusion & frustration your parents are experiencing. Besides, you only know part of the story - that mom's cheating. You don't know why, or for how long, or if your dad did something similar in the past himself. Could be that they have an understanding that you don't know about, but in any event you will never know if you do not approach mom first.

But like Lucky13 said, save that shit because if it does hit the fan and your dad is truly innocent in all this, you will want to be able to watch his back.

[CWB]

i agree with backdoor jesus' thoughts on the matter ... it is a nice condensation of some of the points presented here . his ideas as to finding out what the truths are (as well as the reasons for doing so) seem to me to be sound and rational .
kudos man ...

[Sagaris]

It is your business as it's your family too. The action of spying on your mum seems to have arisen from her caring for you in perhaps an over zealous way, for which you should be grateful not hurtful.
I can only advise you of the way I would want my son to treat the situation, and that is to reveal to mum that you are aware of the fact that she is cheating and if she wants to save the marriage and her family there is only one course of action and it is up to her to act on it now.
Whether or not she decides to tell dad is up to her ,as many have said you can't un-know something and once he learns of her deeds it will take an awful long time for him to begin to trust again.
Finally do not put yourself in the position where you might be taking the blame for the break up, it would be very hard to deal with further down the line if things do go pear shaped . Best of luck, try and remain positive and up beat, it could just pull a family in crises back to happier times.

[jfmotorsports]

Learn to stay out of other peoples affairs.Dont get me wrong,if someone falls down,help them up but if they fell down,broke a leg,scratched thier face,and skinned thier knee.Leave them Down. Marriage is more complicated than most big business contracts. You are tryng to put yourself right in the middle of world war III.As thier child you have a responsibility to be there for both of them in a time of crisis.Dont form alliances with your parents,play the "red cross"role in this situation and comfort both of them.Sure your mom may be throwing some sucker punches,but it sounds like to me he has been getting them for a while and has built up some tollerence.Just make sure if she decides to change up her mode of attack , you stop her from giving him the big whammy.This advise comes from a person who is considered a life councellor by dozens of peeps that are around me,i've been where youre at at least 50 times.Always remember the red cross role it can help you thru out your life.Its hard to be a cop,firefighter,and a C.P.A. all in the same person!? A little warning about the "w33d". i've done it from the age of 12 for 24 years ,now I'm working with a team of half baked Dr.s to get my health back on track after years of extra additives in my "w33d".""""PRIVACY"""", If my son did what you did ,I would thank him for the imformation,and then give him the ass bashing in the noggin for stepping over "The Privacy Line!

[shiiboi]

Mom has spies on son in school? Son spies on Mom with keylogger? Mom cheats on Dad?

There are deep problems here. The best thing to do is try to get some family counseling with a good therapist. If your mom and dad split up, it's because of problems in their relationship which are not your fault, and there's probably nothing you can do about it. All this spying and secret alliances are just making a rough situation worse.

[booyal]

Mom has spies on son in school? Son spies on Mom with keylogger? Mom cheats on Dad?

There are deep problems here. The best thing to do is try to get some family counseling with a good therapist. If your mom and dad split up, it's because of problems in their relationship which are not your fault, and there's probably nothing you can do about it. All this spying and secret alliances are just making a rough situation worse.


this is the best response i have seen yet... it is what i have wanted to say but havent been able to find the words so i thank you for that shiiboi :P and hes totally right your whole family should get some help ^^

[durden]

wow. its gotta be hard to see this happening. but, i will say a couple things. i agree with a few of the aboves...keep as many people out of the loop. dont blackmail...that is your mother. your dad should know, he deserves to know. and keep your cool. your mom and dad both are going through a weak time in their relationship. try to look at it from outside of the box. they need to fix things. do all that you can to help them, but dont be ignorant of what they used to have.

[lovesit]

Mom has spies on son in school? Son spies on Mom with keylogger? Mom cheats on Dad?

There are deep problems here. The best thing to do is try to get some family counseling with a good therapist. If your mom and dad split up, it's because of problems in their relationship which are not your fault, and there's probably nothing you can do about it. All this spying and secret alliances are just making a rough situation worse.

^^Better than I could have said it.

For the life of me, I can't understand adultery. If you don't want to be with someone anymore, for God's sake have a spine and leave the person to start anew.

[jimmy the chef]

tell your dad he needs to no what is going on. if you dont wont to tell him sum how set it up that he finds them togther. sorry to hear that your mum dand dad r not worken out. be good

[jmb8523]

if you dont wont to tell him sum how set it up that he finds them togther.
I would highly advise against this. It's probably the worst situation you could put your dad in to find out. I agree with a lot of the stuff that was said earlier. It really wasn't your place to spy on your mom, but since you know now, I believe it's best to give her the opportunity to come clean.

[gamble61]

I am with Jimi here...shame on you! If you must do something....talk to mom. But then guess what...YOU look like a shit. I say stay out of it because chances are YOU have no idea what is happening between Mom and Dad...have you spied on him? And the blackmail route....Trust me, you will regret that....Just hide your head in the sand my friend and let them sort it out. Trust me they will and never let either of them know that you know. You will look bad to one of them either way. Remember....curiosity killed the cat!

[maggiesdragons]

Ignorance is bliss, but now that you have gone too far you have a few choices.
In the order I would do them:
1. Tell your mom that you know what is going on, give her the chance to do the right thing and find out why she did them
2. Stay out of it; let nature take its course.
3. Show your dad what you have seen, maybe he already knows.
Don’t blackmail your mom, she will loose all respect for you which might come in hand when you get older. You never know when you will have to hit her up for a co-sign for a car or a house.

[gamble61]

To quote maggiesdragons:

"Don’t blackmail your mom, she will loose all respect for you which might come in hand when you get older. You never know when you will have to hit her up for a co-sign for a car or a house."

Now that is some practical advice my friend!

[whiteROB]

too much to read here. reguardless if its right or wrong to spy on moms, you did. now, i think dad should know. tell her to tell him, or you will.