I think I need a therapist

[wudluv]

I woke up and found this on my computer screen
I dont remember writing it

Q says:
pokes you
Q says:
pokes you
wudluv says:
I had a dream
wudluv says:
it made me sad
Q says:
just now?
wudluv says:
yeah I was crying
Q says:

Q says:
it's not like you to cry so much lately
wudluv says:
yeah
wudluv says:
I dreamt of marla
Q says:
ahh
wudluv says:
I woke up happy and laughing and then I got sad
wudluv says:
I dont feel so broken anymore though
Q says:
that is a good thing
Q says:
so writing has lifted alot off your shoulders?
wudluv says:
maybe I'll dream a sad dream and then be happy
wudluv says:
yeah its hard
wudluv says:
and its easy I dont know
wudluv says:
the sound of the messenger woke me I didnt want to leave her though
Q says:
maybe you will just have a dream that won't make you sad =P
wudluv says:
we were happy
Q says:
sorry for waking you up
Q says:
was trying to see if you were ok cuz you hadn't returned my messages earlier
wudluv says:
its ok hun
Q says:
or logged on game
Q says:
priest is about to hit 20
wudluv says:
all this sorrow becomes me
Q says:
jen is going to be gone for about 3 to 4 weeks
Q says:
you aren't talking like yourself either.
wudluv says:
whyu is that
Q says:
just some of your wording
Q says:
might be from you studying grammar so much for your writing
wudluv says:
maybe I'm not broken anymore inside
wudluv says:
maybe I will laugh again
wudluv says:
maybe
Q says:
i don't think you were ever broken =)
wudluv says:
I don't know anymore
Q says:
see it this way
Q says:
there really is no broken or fixed
Q says:
you are who you are
wudluv says:
I am not me
wudluv says:
I was made to be angry
Q says:
no, you are made to be Erica
wudluv says:
I didn't want to be
wudluv says:
I just was
wudluv says:
then I was broken
wudluv says:
for a long time, broken
wudluv says:
maybe I still am
wudluv says:
I don't know anymore
Q says:
dn't think it should matter hun
Q says:
you should just live in the moment and enjoy each day
Q says:
like you always have
wudluv says:
but this moment isn't now
wudluv says:
how can I live now if it never happened
Q says:
if what never happened?
wudluv says:
maybe someday I will know
wudluv says:
sorrow
wudluv says:
I was watching the sun set
wudluv says:
and I was happy
wudluv says:
then it got dark
wudluv says:
for a long time it was dark
wudluv says:
sorrow
wudluv says:
I am sorry
wudluv says:
I didn't to be angry
wudluv says:
but they made me
Q says:
everything is alright hun
wudluv says:
I know
wudluv says:
but my heart still beats in my chest
wudluv says:
but it doesnt feel
wudluv says:
I am sorry
Q says:
that's not true, if it didn't feel
Q says:
you wouldn't care so much about your friends
wudluv says:
pools of tears
wudluv says:
in the sand
wudluv says:
mine
wudluv says:
it still hurts
wudluv says:
it didn't for a long time
wudluv says:
it was dark
wudluv says:
I am sorry
Q says:
its alright hun
wudluv says:
I know
Q says:
everything is ok, you don't have to apologize
Q says:
should lay down and rest some more
wudluv says:
it's all right now
Q says:
get some more rest erica
Q says:
you will feel better when you wake up
wudluv says:
no I won't
wudluv says:
I will still feel this way
wudluv says:
bit it won't be so dark maybe
wudluv says:
maybe the sand will soak up my tears
wudluv says:
and then I will be happpy
wudluv says:
maybe
Q says:
you will wake up and you will feel better
wudluv says:
I don't know anymore
Q says:
and you won't have tears
Q says:
get some rest please hun
wudluv says:
I need to say something
wudluv says:
but I can't remember what it is
wudluv says:
I don't know if I want to remember
wudluv says:
but I need to say it
wudluv says:
why?
wudluv says:
I was sleeping
wudluv says:
and I was happy
wudluv says:
I wanted to say something
wudluv says:
and then I got sad
wudluv says:
sorrow
wudluv says:
but why?
Q says:
i don't know hun
Q says:
maybe you will remember when you are dreaming again
Q says:
and then you can say it
wudluv says:
maybe
wudluv says:
maybe it's my dreams that make me sad
wudluv says:
maybe I shouldn't dream?
wudluv says:
I don't know anymore
Q says:
maybe hun, sleeping without dreams is something jenna likes to do
wudluv says:
kiss her for me
wudluv says:
maybe that will make me happy
wudluv says:
I don't know anymore
wudluv says:
I miss my little sister
wudluv says:
tell her please
wudluv says:
I wanted to say something
Q says:
jen?
Q says:
oh
Q says:
marla
wudluv says:
both
Q says:
that you love them?
wudluv says:
I remember now maybe
wudluv says:
tears
wudluv says:
I am sorry
Q says:
get some rest please hun
Q says:
i will let jen know tomorrow that you miss her
wudluv says:
I don't mean to frighten you
Q says:
i am not hun
wudluv says:
I jsut scare people
wudluv says:
I was made that way
wudluv says:
I didn't want to be
Q says:
you are no longer like that
wudluv says:
I didn't want to be
wudluv says:
but I am
Q says:
nope =)
Q says:
you aren't
Q says:
jen would not be the little sister of someone she thought was scary or mean
Q says:
you have a good heart hun
Q says:
believe in that
wudluv says:
she doesn't know me
wudluv says:
know my heart
wudluv says:
my heart doesn't feel sometimes
wudluv says:
sometimes its broken
wudluv says:
it doesn't work
wudluv says:
and I do things
wudluv says:
some things terrible
wudluv says:
sorrow
wudluv says:
I need to say something
wudluv says:
something sad
wudluv says:
but I don't know if I can remember
wudluv says:
I am sorry
wudluv says:
sleep now in darkness
wudluv says:
sleep forever
Q says:
no, not forever
Q says:
just get some rest please hun
Q says:
and in a few hours you will wake up feeling better

[Bipolar]

Are you by any chance on any hypnotics? Like ambien or something. that can cause waking amnesia. you will not remember much when you are on it. Do you have a friend who you might have had this conversation with? or was it in a word doc or something. Give me a little more info and I might be able to give you some advice as I have a lot of experience at things like this. PM or IM if you want to talk abt it.

[Bigeme]

Well, I personally think everyone should go see a therapist. Maybe not regularly maybe some people more than others, but I just the fact that you think you need to go talk to a professional is a good enough reason to give it a shot.

[waspman1]

smart ass reply deleted

[precisionE]

I see a therapist....actually a psychiatrist, psychologist ect. I always feel better after leaving. Think of the psychiatrist as a legal drug pusher and the psychologist as a confident person to talk with. No shame

[wudluv]

Well, I have been writing an autobiography of sorts lately. It's brought out alot of old bad memories that I know I have suppressed for years. Marla was my first girlfriend I ever had. I was 14 she was 16 and we were both runaway prostitutes. Being with her gave me some of the happiest memories I have. Then she got picked up by her mom and I was alone for along time. I think thats the reference I made to being sad.

Up to the point I ran away all I knew about life was getting beat up and molested. Once I was free of that I started to live. I did what I did to survive.

I have talked to Q and he said I've done this before and he's used to it. He just talks me into going back to sleep is all. But he did mention this time was the worst he has seen.


And no I don't do drugs anymore. Haven't done any in over 20 years.

[BlackPearlSpace]

That's kinda cool that you have this person to talk to, that you trust so much you don't have to wake up.

The only thing I have to add here is this one experience I had with another person that blends sleeping/waking. (I've explored this allot on my own, I can even sleep and remain conscious sometimes, which is really weird and fun) Anyway, I was talking to a girlfriend years ago while she slept. She was telling me all about her dream.

Then I pushed it too far, I tried to implant myself in the dream. She was scared of the figure I described, didn't know it was me. I think she woke up a little while later. That was pretty cool.

I think you just trust this Q enough to not have to be alert "aroused" is the psychology term when you talk: you can just stay in that sleep state. Pretty cool to have a window into the subconscious mind like that.

[wudluv]

Well you might think its pretty cool, but it scared the hell out of me when I first read it. I was thinking about it some yesterday and remembered where the last lines come from. My fiancee had a tattoo on his shoulder of a bulldog holding a machine gun that was standing on a grave. Above the bull dog was USMC and under that semper fi. Below the bulldog was , sleep now in darkness, sleep forever mother fucker. He died before we could get married.