dating advice

[number1mikafan]

You all have helped me before, with much more serious....so I am just curious to hear your imput on my dilemma.

A few days ago I hit rock bottom in the dating department. Had my first date in a long time (I'm a good looking guy, I just have zero game), and things were going amazing, until an Ex of mine felt like when she saw me with a girl she'd invite herself over to our table in the coffee shop and tell my date exactly how awful of a person I was and how I was a dickhead and all this stuff. When I finally got her away from the table....the date died....literally. We were having fun until that. It like killed it (and understandibly so. If i were on the other end watching what transpired I would have not wanted a 2nd date either).

So I went on one of these internet dating sites....made a profile....and looked for potential ladies that I could get to know. I saw one, we'll call her Cathy, and sent her a little tease thing (so I wouldn't have to pay, im a poor college kid...what can I say) and she sent me one back. So I got in touch with her on Facebook (amazing thing Facebook is) and requested to be her friend...She accepted.

So it's all gravy right?
Well...yea.

I just want to know if I should ask before I give her an instant message on AIM...Should I even message her...Should I wait for her to message me?

and if that part goes by...like....what should we talk about. I hate having to carry conversations and I hate talking for a while, then like you have nothing and you're reaching.

Anyone have any advice for me? Like I said, I have no game cuz my self-confidence is shot...so I want to be really careful and I really want to be cautious because I really don't want to get hurt/rejected again. I also don't want to be TOO CAREFUL and look liek a total tool in front of this girl.

Thanks :).

[CD]

ask her questions about herself. for some reason, women love to talk about themselves. just be sure that YOU LISTEN. retain what you heard cause women love a good memory.

[kulotsalot]

Talking? Your big problem is talking? How hard is it to talk? Seriously... you know that women love to talk, right? And you want a girlfriend... therefore you will at some point have to be able to talk to the person you're dating without feeling like "omg she's doing it again! Can't I just watch football?"

Talking is easy. There's no perfect formula for talking. The easy topics should be very well known to you - what she does, school or work or both, where she's at, what she does on her free time, where she likes to hang out etc etc etc. Easy as pie, right? I disagree with ClemsonDevil - do not just keep asking questions and expect her to talk 95% of the time. If I'm talking to anyone, I would like for both of us to contribute to the conversation and for me to actually learn something about a potential boyfriend. You want a girl that's interested in your "personality" more than your bank account and how nice of a car you drive? Well here's your big chance. Impress her with how much FUN you are to talk to. Shouldn't be too hard. "Oh yeah, you like hanging out at Starbucks with you friends? That's cool, I'm a big Starbucks fan myself. My personal favorite is __________, what's yours?" I mean, don't expect us to talk our heads off and then miraculously decide that HEY! I wanna date this guy even though I know NOTHING about him because he won't say a damned thing about himself! That just won't work.

The secret to talking is to not box yourself into a topic. You know how sometimes you start with, say, sports (ok a girl will not know shit about sports but just pretend...) and then you talk about all these types of sports yadda yadda yadda and then BAM! you've talked about sports so much that you run out of things to say. And then you're like "now what?". Don't fall into that pattern. Conversations flow. You don't have to construct a 3-point outline that pinpoints each conversation topic. Say you use my Starbucks example above. So, you know, think about Starbucks, visualize it. They usually have those couches that you can sit on, right? So coffee... couches... they don't really relate to each other, but in the context of Starbucks, they do! So you go from coffee (tastes great!) to "...I find that I love to sit on one their couches and sometimes I stay there for a loooooooong time. I tend to like the softer ones vs the harder ones, and theirs are just soooooooo comfy." And then you get into a conversation about couches. What color couch does she have? What mysterious things has she discovered "hiding" in her couch? (you know when you clean up and find really weird shit stashed underneath your couch? talk about that for a bit). So then you get tired of couches so you think "living room". What else is in the living room? TV? "What's your favorite TV show? Oh, yeah? Me too, that's definitely on my top 5!" Voila, you just discovered a brand new conversation topic!

Don't be afraid to disagree. Nobody likes to talk to (and date) a yes-man. Am I pretty? Yes! Am I the bestest girlfriend ever? Yes! Do these pants make me look fat? Yes! (BLEEEEP you're fired!) Yup, no one likes a yes-man. So disagree if you have to, but don't come down hard on her. Don't make her feel like she's an idiot for not agreeing with your opinions, coz then she'll think you're an idiot for not agreeing with her, and it will all go to shit. Just say "Sure, boobs are nice, but can they come up with such an interesting conversation like the one we're having right now? Nuh uh. So brains are more important! And they don't sag with time ;)" DING DING DING! You win!

Keep my handy pointers in mind and you should be fine.

[Jabooty_3]

Nice segways and mini convo with yourself. Tis good advice.

and that quote at the end makes the whole thing worth reading ;)

[number1mikafan]

Thanks a lot guys. Clemson, I do take what you say to heart...I mean, hell, you are THE CLEMSON DEVIL...Your contributions in other forums have helped in dry times lol.

Again, thanks kulotsalot...I'll definitely keep what you said in mind. It was really nice of you to type that long of a post to advise someone that you've never met...I really do appreciate the time you put into that one :).

I'll probably e-mail her in facebook within the next few days and see where things go.

[WEme]

talk about anything that will keep the story going. Funny times in HS, college, whatever. Theres always work or people watch and comment on what you see...sometimes its fun to just make up stories about the people you see walking past. You prolly wouldnt want to do this in starbucks to close of a proximity and the other people might hear you. so a park of some kind or hey baseball is coming up if not sports then something else. Like Kulo said dont get stuck in a catagory.

[jeffc574]

listen to her. Talk about the things in your life (classes!, being broke) I would just stay away from religion, politics, abortion and Ex's. On facebook people will talk about anything.